Through a Glass, Darkly Darkly

Friday, 15 August 2008

This post sounds far more positive than I am feeling. The irritating thing about writing when I am feeling down is that shaping the feelings and framing the moments often buoys me up, so that I end up feeling more positive than when I started. And sometimes, I don't wanna :0) Sometimes I just wanna keep swimming in the self-pity pool (blancmange, not water).

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I am fighting off a virus. Went through the point of no return stage. The one that comes after the not-unpleasant strangeness when you start becoming aware that you are sickening because you're babblin', speaking shit about colour, and you're feeling lightheaded and heavyheaded at the same time. Went to the stage of nausea, lack of appetite, bad concentration, dizziness, brainfog, of feeling like I was gonna fall over when I walked. At the point where I knew I wouldn't be able to catch the bus home, but would have to get a cab and hang the expense.

Then. Drank three cups of neem tea, and away it passed. Seriously, this stuff is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. And so I spent the remainder of the afternoon feeling like somehow I'd been returned from the dead, you know? Went home on the bus, with the light disappearing in the very bottom of the clouds and the woman in front of me inspiring me, an elderly woman in purple jumper and a grey beret and pretty earrings, her beauty spilling out through all the cracks in her face.

But then home, to planned writing but it all fell in a heap, in the space of 5 minutes. The bugs are at bay but still, they are messing with my mind, my emotions. Mocca was over before, and the tears of self-pity spilled out my eyes. Sometimes I look around and everything looks broken, you know, so sharded that it can't possibly all be fashioned into something useful. Sometimes, you just gotta take a few steps and keep walking and stop thinking 'cause you know that everything you're seeing is through a grey clouded lens.

Some days you just gotta sit out on the very end of the moment and look ahead to another moment where life blows itself out like an airbag and you suck in that rarefied air and bubble with ideas. But even here, even in the dark where nothing has a name, He sits. Even when I can't feel him at all.
One thing I have found in Christianity that I love is that faith and spiritual growth becomes less the “Ah-ha!” moment found, let’s say, in zen traditions than a journey. It is a journey that, little by little, we ourselves become until there is no difference between the journey and who we really are, that, somehow, the searching is our most natural language of being. There is one other remarkable thought that arises from within Christianity, voiced by Quaker Rufus Jones quite a while back — that we are searching, yes, but that even with more intensity and more longing, God is doing the same in what becomes a remarkable double search, like friends, like lovers who in a great crowd search from the heart for the one face they know and yearn for.
Brian Robertson, Christian Mystics


In the dark, I yearn for your face, Papa. At the very least, for relief, release, for light. In the light, I smile at your face. Either way, I love it.

4 comments

  1. "Some days you just gotta sit out on the very end of the moment and look ahead to another moment where life blows itself out like an airbag and you suck in that rarefied air and bubble with ideas. But even here, even in the dark where nothing has a name, He sits. Even when I can't feel him at all."

    Where do you come up with this stuff? That's AWESOME!

    How are you feeling now? One of my boys threw up all night last night...ugh.

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  2. Aww, thanks *blushes*. Actually, it's a strange mixing of metaphors because I don't think airbag air would be all that rarefied, do you? :)

    How am I feeling now? Probably less tired than you are, my dear!! Hope what he's got isn't catching?

    I am holding this flu at bay, it's at the end of my extended arm, but I'm feeling dodgy nevertheless. Gearing down time for Susie Q. Plus I got my period today. Yay.

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  3. {{{HUG}}} Yes, no matter where we find ourselves, there He is. Solid as eternity. Patient and full of love. Get better quick. ;-)

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  4. Thanks, KG :) I didn't go to work today, but I know without this tea I would have been heaps worse. ((Hug)) back :)

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