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Monday, 15 February 2010

You know, regardless of whether you see it as a real story or a myth, there is a lot you can glean from the Adam and Eve breakaway story.  About the fall into the false self, the egoic, fearful nature, and what men and women have a tendency to do in that sort of space.

(Much as I hate generalisations, I'm splitting the world into penises and vaginas in this post).

I had an interesting conversation with Dena on the weekend about the penchant women have to look to relationships - as seen most explosively in those with men - to make them whole instead of looking inside to the Self to, as she so delightfully put it, the place "where-God-and-you intersect".  I so like that, it has so stayed with me since that conversation, bubbling and resonating.  Pointing to that strange propensity within myself.  I do not know how much of what I am learning I can translate up from out of my gut into these little squiggles that make up words.  So much of it is not-yet, so much is untranslatable.

While I was meditating the other day, I saw, suddenly and sharply, a mass of some sort, perhaps a rock, that had a split deep into its middle.  And the light, a golden, deep light, burst forth and shone down into that crack, filling it up.  This is the way my Self talks to me.  I can't ever quite know if it is God or me talking.  They're too close to split.

These roots to go sideways and fall into a man run so oooh deep.  And you know, I used to think that this propensity in me was so strong simply because of my past history.  That my ability to fall quickly and hard was because of the things that lacked in my growing-up years.  But now I'm not so sure.

Us chicks, we get the deep-down intuitive, moonish, gutlevel stuff that most likely scares the shit out of you blokes because it scares the shit out of us as well.  And we've been trained to disregard it too by a culture that too often functions in the male elements to the detriment of the female.  That needs those female elements to make up the whole.  But they're easy to ignore.  They're often not translatable.  And a part of us women want to disregard it sometimes, because it's scary and its deep, because we're wounded, because it's powerful, because it changes stuff.  But geez, it's where all the good stuff flows :)

(Edit:  Of course I am not meaning to imply that men also do not have the capacity to gutfeel and intuit.  Because of course they do. And part of the higgledy piggledy imbalanced culture too is that men are not taught as well as they could be to value their female side.  And conversely, women to value their male.  If you can split these things.  I am making broad brush strokes here, but bear with me :)

It joys me to see some women I know, both online and in real life, regaining that stuff.  It heartens me when they speak that stuff into my life.  It's like a torrent sometimes, those trickles of words.

The propensity feels weird.  It feels like a dreamscape.  It feels lke something that's birthed in you without your consent.  It flips you sideways instead of stands you strong, grounded.  It gives your power away without you even realising you're doing it.

But of course, the beauty, and the terror, is in the discovery - so often the discovery - that it is not an it, it is a you.  And with that return to reality comes the pain and yet the headrush that while you may be finding yourself in a cage, it is of your own making.  And you have the power to dismantle it.

Here's to smashing those bastards down :)

Much Better

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Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Today's readings come from Matthew 4:6 and John 15:5-6

The first reading is thus:

"If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: "'He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'"

The second reading is thus:

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

Those two italicised parts are the same Greek word.  And how much better does this verse read if you translate it:

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers;  such branches are lifted up to the sun.
Darin Hufford asked several vineyard owners, "What do you do if a vine is not bearing fruit?"  They all answered the same:

"If it's not bearing fruit it's because the branch is too low and it's not getting sunlight, or it's covered in mud if it's too low.  So what we do is we pull out a rock and we lift it up and we put it on a rock.  And we lift it up to the sun so that it will bear fruit."

You Love the Thunder, and you Love the Rain

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Friday, 5 February 2010

It's been raining here off and on ever since last evening.  Wrapping me up inside my house. A bit more pleasant now it's cooled down somewhat and it's not so muggy.

Rain used to be something that was an interruption to whatever I was doing.  Now it is an interruption to whatever I am doing but a sort of call back to myself, to simple things, to what matters.  A pause in my day, the smell of the earth rising up to remind me.

So beautiful.