|Bruno's, Marysville (pre-fire) Pic mine - free to use but please link back|
I created a survey (which I would love for you to fill in, if you could be ever so kind, especially if you live in Australia). I created a Facebook page. I already have a Twitter account. And I sent out the first newsletter.
After all of that effort, Speedy Snail is a little exhausted today!
|Unable to identify image creator - apologies|
My hope was that I would at least try to do some basic yoga stretching, some breathing, and some meditation, to start off the day right.
It's hard to do that when you can't get yourself out of bed, though, so I did the next best thing - I just stayed in bed and did it all. Sure bed yoga entails reduced poses but it's not like I would be doing downward dog first thing in the morning anyway, so it's all good.
Starting something new - or at least dipping your toe into the idea of starting something new - is terrifying, isn't it? It feels daunting because it's big and it's changey and we aren't very good at change. But still, right next to the terror is excitement. It reminds me of how often this state felt as a child and a teenager, and how as we get older it's easier to sequester ourselves away from new experiences.
Especially true for me after 15 years of chronic illness.
But the good thing about having a chronic illness is that it has forced me to confront my limitations. I'm not very good at managing them, even after all this time. Sometimes, if I'm extra ultra anxious, I can easily feel like pacing myself is simply not allowed, as if something outside says it is not permissible to do things your way, in your time, at your pace.
It's the insides that are making me feel like that, and what is inside is anxiety. It's been probably the hardest symptom for me to manage in recent years and I only now feel like I'm getting on top of it again. This racing mind has thoughts rushing through like traffic, in combination with a fatigued body, so I end up feeling sorta somethin' like this:
|CC pic by Andrew|
But of course, there is also something outside my own body that says that I can't go at my own pace and neither can you. It's this stupid, childish, ridiculous, amateur culture we're all stuck with while we slowly realise we can change it. The one that tells us to conform to it, not the other way around. The one that does not fit us right. Our culture is like a one-size-fits-none jumper made of scratchy wool that's 11 sizes too small that we have to wear all summer, and which has too many holes to keep us warm in winter.
Stepping outside of what you've been born into is the equivalent of that saucepan frog jumping out. It's scary and hard to see what one day ends up being so clear. But it's doable. Being aware of our culture's stupidity, and that your desires to do things your way are perfectly acceptable - sane, even - makes it just that much easier.
And so the fears I have about starting up something like this with limited stamina are not so surprising in the light of the inside and the outside. I can't start up something like this. Why not? Because I don't have the energy. Well start it part-time. But you can't start up a business part-time! Why not? Because it doesn't look professional. Who says?
Good point. But I can't do it by myself. Then get other people on board. I don't know where to start with that. Well, just start. Build it and they will come. Was it really necessary for you to insert a corny film line? Yes.
There are so many ways we can limit ourselves. I'm a hardcore mistress at it. But to be honest with you, I have absolutely NOTHING to lose in pushing to see what happens with this idea, and everything to gain.
At the very least, I will be able to say I tried. And that's something.