Tuesday, 16 June 2009

How easy it is to splatter words into this little white box here, knowing that people are going to be reading it, and write for the wrong reasons. Writing not because there is something bubbling in me to share, whether good, bad or indifferent, negative or positive, black or white, but because I am trying to prove something. Trying to say, in some shape or other, "Love me, love me!" Writing out of my lack instead of out of something real.

I think people can spot the resulting difference from 20 paces away. I know I can. And yet I still do it. Writing out of loneliness, it just doesn't work.

As I waited for my mediterranean vegetables with feta on focaccia to be toasted today, I leant on the counter and chatted to the woman serving me. I speak to her at least twice a week every week and I don't know her name. And she was feeling monumentally underwhelmed by the boredom of everyday monotony. And I know past ages were as drugerous in other ways, but I said to her that at least other cultures have had built into them festivals and get-togethers where they are forced to come together and actually - concept - have fun and mingle and be with each other, instead of just being the dude in front of you on the road who has jumped out ahead only to bung his indicator on to turn right.

Ya knoh?

I am going to a poetry workshop next week. Going to a Christian meditation this Thursday night. Going to any bloody place that will get me out amongst some fellow earthlings for if not a general cultural festival, then a bit of a word festival, a silence festival.

I find it excessively difficult to admit to feeling lonely, even though it is probalby obvious to you, dear blogger, that I am. It is something that I drag out of myself, this admission. Because admitting I am lonely feels like I am admitting that I am somehow a failure, that it is because of the big "something wrong with me" part of me that am lonely, rather than because of circumstances that in some respects have been beyond my control.

And yet the world is full of lonely people. How difficult it is to identify long enough with the poor parts of yourself to be able to sit with them out in the world, instead of trying to project this "I am shiny shiny shiny love me have my babies look at me living an exciting life no flies on me jack" exterior. How deep that propensity runs.

So yeah, memo to self: blogging because you're feeling lonely just really produces turd-like posts that are dull and dreary. Sort of like this one :) And the 2 million other ones that lonely people are writing round the world right this second :)

*Sigh*. Looks like I'm just as much a turd as everybody else :)


  1. reminds me of a beatles song, my dear ms. rigby. NOW i know why i can't sleep and why i was brought here. unfortunately i can't be with you in body, nor do i have as much time for chatting and dreaming up new world paradigms like i once did. but know that there is one person, although on the opposite side of the world, who knows about you and thinks of you often and is praying for you on a regular basis. you are an extremely beautiful person. don't be afraid of letting THAT shine, either.

  2. jON! I was just listening to a beatles song earlier today. it was the reprise of sergeant pepper's lonely hearts club band, on a compilation CD called 73 and Counting :)

    This is my second listen-through of that CD. The first time I listened, when Marilyn Manson ended with User Friendly and Meatloaf began with Paradise by the Dashboard Light, I was going up the escalator from the subway station and I laughed out loud at the bizarre juxtaposition :)

    Thank you so much for your prayers and your comments here. I NEEDED to hear that tonight. No, no dreaming up of new world paradigms lately, but maybe one time in a future age we can dream up new worlds :)

  3. Yep, your a turd, we all are. Lonely turds thrown together on this planet to survive turdiness. I admire you for actually getting out and DOING stuff! That's a lot more than I can say for some people (i.e. - ME). Although recently I did get out and do something :)

    I like what Jon said, he's right. You are. Just keep living and being you and doing stuff and the rest will take care of itself.

  4. i feel lonely all the time- surrounded by people. it is like you said, a common malady but it's no cause for shame :-)

  5. Why are we so reluctant to tell others we're lonely? One reason must be, there's always that helpful person nearby, with suggestions how to overcome loneliness, rather than just listen! I love Carl Sandburg's poem, "Love Is a Deep, and a Dark, and a Lonely". Life seems like that sometimes - (but with lots of bright, unexpected spots, in between)

    Your posts either make me laugh, Sue, or stretch the spiritual part of my brain (even the turd-like posts).

  6. I'm sad that so many of my friends all over the earth are lonely, and we'd not be lonely if only we could be together across the miles. (Yes, Jon, you too...I miss your new paradigms.)

  7. Barbara - indeed, I would say you've certainly been getting out and about recently - a plane trip-length out and about :) Thanks for being a fellow turd with me :) (Such a horrible, crap sort of a word, turd, heh).

    Cindy - you're right. I guess shame likes to live deep in the shadows, doesn't it. Admitting I feel lonely and then having you guys validate it helps somehow the shame to begin to dissipate. Thanks :)

    Sherry - ahh, yes, perhaps :) We don't speak because we don't want to be changed :) We are wiley little beasties, aren't we :) I love that poem, just love it. Thanks for mentioning it, I hadn't come across it before.

    Erin - Yes, that's true. And yet, if there are those of us here online, then it means there are those of us out in our world, nearby, also. Which is a much scarier concept, isn't it :)

  8. They are just so hard to find, Susie.


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