And You May Ask Yourself - "Well, How Did I Get Here?"

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Do you talk to yourself? I don't mean the tapes-in-your-head so-low-you-don't-even-realise it incessant droning of your inner bastards telling you stupid things.

And I don't mean the type of talking to yourself that my Mum does in the kitchen and which I have taken to doing too. "Now, where was I? Oh, okay, here we are. How much butter? Three tablespoons," etc etc.

I'm talking about the sort of stuff you do in psychologists' offices where you sit an empty chair across from you and talk to whichever mad Gedarene of your soul (see previous poem) you are trying to understand. It's something I have begun doing quite regularly (although I skip the empty chair bit, trying as I am to keep myself out being admitted to the psych ward if possible). It goes sort of like this:

"Hmm, okay. I see you've slipped back into this feeling that there is something inherently wrong with you. You know, I can understand why you feel like that. Honestly, when I see what you built when you were young to keep yourself functioning, it's all quite impressive really. But you know it never really was going to survive forever. You know that. But it's okay, really. It's scary not knowing what will be built in its place. You don't even trust half the time that anything CAN be built in its place. Something out of nothing. You will just have to wait and see and hope. And hey, you know what? That feeling you have that there is something inherently wrong with you? It's a lie. It really is. It's a lie. Watch and see what God does."

And blah blah blah. This ongoing, spelling out obviousnesses to myself, has become quite a lovely thing for me to do. Do you do this with yourself? The comfort I feel, it makes me feel safe, you know? As if I'm on my own side. The things I see when I do it, it's like how I feel when I sit down and write and realise that I know and think and remember much more than I thought I did about a particular subject. This is the same sort of thing. It's like conversing with my dreamscape. It's as if the kingdom of heaven is within me.


  1. Hi Sue- I have sought to do this and i love how you said it makes you realize you know more abour things than you thought you did. I have always felt defective domehow in just an overall general way, despite all logic and awareness to the contrary. Somehow, i have been growing to a deeper self acceptance over last year or so, much from dealing with the things you mention here very good stuff!!!

  2. You mean out loud? Oh yes I talk out loud all the time about all kinds of things including the kind of conversation you mention. It makes me quite nervous and sometimes I pretend I'm talking to the cats. Perhaps I shouldn't think about the rights and wrongs, but there are times when I think the men in white coats will be along sometime very soon! It's quite encouraging to read this, thank you.

  3. Yes, I talk to myself. sometimes to the detriment of my own mental health and tonight I almost killed myself and my passenger while talking to myself (in my head) while driving. I almost ran a red light but realized it in time and SLAMMED on my brakes. Still have the scent of burned rubber in my nostrils. Will someone just tell me what to do, how to think and feel I can't take it anymore....

  4. Ok so that was supposed to say "I live in a house full of people", but it's early and I was up late. Whatever.

  5. Yep, I do that in the bathroom. (Hey, I live full of people who would think I'm nuts if they caught me talking to myself. So I talk quietly, in privacy, in the privy.)

    It's the same, though, when I talk to my SD (not in the privy, in her living room) often just hearing something out loud will either make me realize how ridiculous I sound, or will open doors to other insights that make real sense.

  6. Yeah, there is a big difference between our own soul bashing us and the Lord gently prodding, "Can I get in here and heal you of this?" The first leaves us drained and the second at least gives us a glimpse of light.

  7. Anonymous - hello there. Sounds like you're on a rather delicious little journey towards self-acceptance. I guess the defective feeling is in all of us. Maybe that's what shame is, I'm not sure, but it's nice to begin to face it down, isn't it :)

    Tess - no, I don't mean out loud in this particular way - more as a sort of talking to myself in my own head. Seems to help somewhat to allay those dreary thoughts that run on incessantly. Pokes them in the eyes a bit :) Haha, I love the thought of you talking out loud to yourself :) Isn't it funny how we so often feel like other people are gonna think we're mad - and they're probably doing it too :) Keep talkin' :) Keep the cats near if necessary LOL

    Barbara - I'm sorry you were feeling so stressed when you wrote here. I hope you're feeling a bit calmer now? That sort of talking to yourself in your head can drive us mad, can't it - or into the car in front of us. ((Hug))

    Erin - you live full of people, huh? Is that a Freudian slip, Erin? Or should I call you Sybil? :D Yes, the speaking aloud your thoughts to another, amazing what comes up there, isn't it. I'm so glad you are seeing this spiritual director, it sounds very fruitful :)

    Tyler - yes, the two are as different as chalk and cheese, aren't they. Those little glimpses of light are priceless. Sounds like you've been seeing a few of those lately :)


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