Looking Forward

Tuesday 26 January 2010

I got my first online dating kiss yesterday ... from a woman :)

I must say, I did think, "Hmmm.  Maybe I should give it a whirl."  Haha :)  But just ... ahh ... no, the actual physical reality of the situation ... no.  I don't think so.

I like men :)

Actually to be honest, although I am on a couple of dating sites and the thought of dating is so much less scary than it was even a couple of months ago, I really don't think I'm ready for it right now.  Well, you know, unless some wonderful guy came along, but I am still feeling rather strangely dark soul nighted about that aspect of my life ... and then Mark told me on Saturday he has the divorce form.  And so sometime soon we are going to go down and sign another piece of paper regarding our marriage which is the flipside opposite of the one we signed in hope 11 years ago.

It makes me cry just writing about it.  I know it is going to be an awfully emotional experience for both of us.  I know that both of us are dreading it.  I am learning to not use this as an opportunity to tell myself for the 1837th time that "I am a loser" or "I am a pathetic piece of shit" or "There is something wrong with me that will never be fixed" and all the other stuff I've been telling myself for the past three years.

No, none of those things are true.  But oh, if I could show you how cold it feels here, you would understand the door those thoughts find to enter into my mind.

But it is a blessing and a grace to be able to confront those thoughts and tell them that they speak false.  I am continually amazed at the power of my own thoughts. 

How awful we are to ourselves.  How easily awful.  I think we all develop propensities from the woundings we receive in life to tell ourselves these little lies that feel true because someone hurt us and told us by their actions that those things are true.  But they still remain ... thoughts and beliefs.  Unrealities imposed on us by others in my case.

The reality is what draws me.  The reality of Love.  I feel 14 million miles away from it all right now.  But that's okay I guess - I know S/He is there.  I know s/he is up to things too.  This is always the way it happens.  Dark nights of the soul are not conducive to perspective.  But the spirit still speaks, reminding.  We can look back at times we were amazed at the new freedom that has sprungupon us.  We can look at those times backward and know that they shall come forward also.


  1. Well ... I would definitely hug you, Sue.


    Maybe a nice cheek-kiss, too.

    (wishing you Light-detecting glasses, whilst in the temporary darkness...)

  2. Hmm, why do I feel jealous? LOL! Oh yeah, I like men too!

    I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable. There are some decent/wonderful men out there. I have faith in that.

    Keep loving you and letting others love you and it will happen.

    Or...you could have some ripe mango. Its in season over here :)

  3. As a fella I feel uniquely unqualified to comment, Sue, but that's never stopped me;) I'll just say two things -

    1- We are never, EVER, what our thoughts tell us we are, and

    2 - Try to find someone in the same time zone. This is from my present highly intriguing experience with the amazing Janis in Indiana, who I've been engaged to since 2002 (a L-o-o-ong Story)!:D

    Oh, and...

    3 - There's a fella somewhere out there in Oz who'll appreciate your guts, big heart and emotional honesty, and return it. You gotta lot going for you.

  4. Dena - aww, thanks. I'll take up the offer on the light-detecting glasses :)

    Barbara - thank you my dear. Oh, but you know I don't like mangoes! I prefer raisins and sultanas and prunes and wrinkly fruit ;) Harrr.

    MysticBrit - that sounds like an interesting story about the amazing Janis in Indiana and the wonderful Harry in Lincolnshire :) Thanks re the fella. You're very kind. And yeah, I think I will try the same time zone - maybe even the same state if I get lucky! :)

  5. hey Sue,

    Sorry to hear of your pain. The power of our thoughts is amazing. Have you been to Wayne's blog lately. He posted a link to a short movie, 'the butterfly circus'. It made me cry because it came at the end of a tough day for me, and the family. My goofy gentle kind hearted boy had been picked on and made fun of for the umpteempth (sp?) time, this time it came to blows. Good sign cause maybe he is learning how to stand up for himself against the @#$@# at his "christian school"(its a long story).

    As the show master would say Sue,...You are truly magnificent...But of course with a spanish sounding lilt...

    Cheers Jon

  6. Hey Jon,

    Yeah, I did see the Butterfly Circus. I guess it was a little too cheesy for my taste - think it was all those violins - but I *do* understand why it made you cry :)

    I'm sorry to hear about your boy. It must be heartbreaking as a parent to see your kids suffer in this way and to know that you have to let them learn to grow up on their own. Wow.

    Thank you for that, Jon. Very sweet :)

  7. We are often our own worst critics. Good on you for confronting your own inner critic and telling her where to stuff it! :-)

    Truth is others rarely view us as harshly as we view ourselves.

  8. Perplexio - you're so right! It's good to regularly confront your own inner critic and tell him or her to sod off :)

  9. hanging in here with you, sue. i had one of those marriages that ended with the "flipside" of the paper. it's a crummy place to be!! i won't go on with the happily ever after thing now... :-) but things do change... so tell your inner critic, "thanks, but no thanks" for the unsolicited advice!

  10. Lucy - ahh, thank you for the perspective! I feel better today than I did when I wrote this post. Suddenly I can see God where I just couldn't for a while there.

    It's lovely to sit in a space where we see the thoughts drummed up by our inner critic are just that - thoughts. Lies, even. Though they feel so real, they are just thoughts on the wind.


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