Nothing too Serious

Gee, it's gotten serious in Susieland the last few days.  Worrying about money will do that to you, I guess. I've been more broke than ever recently and so this has been part of the decision to begin working from home.  Doing the same dull drear, but being able to slip it and slide it in at my own behest is a freedom I am taking great pleasure in.  It's also partly the reason why I have been blogging far less recently.

Still trying to find the rhythm.

Working from home, I am able to work more hours more easily.  Because I need to ramp it up now.  It's time to do that.  But I have been ramping it up a little the past month and I don't really have anything to show for it right now.  All this financial bizzo makes Susie stressed.  Far better a personality geared to bartering, but what do you do?

And now Olive, my up-to-now well-behaved 1998 car has blown a gasket - well, not quite.  She's worn out her crank shaft and her crank shaft gear and bottom pulley.  Apparently.  Cos I mean, how do you know?  Do I feel exposed and vulnerable when having my car fixed?  Yes, yes I do.  Do I need to dwell on the possibility that I may be being fleeced out of 650 bucks I don't really have?  Naw, I guess I really don't.

So working more hours in the land of Susie but so far it not really paying off could get a bit depressing.  It did this morning, I must say.  I have been working from home for a month but I am still finding my rhythm.  Life has suddenly gotten a lot busier.  And so all I can do is continue what I am doing.  Soon I hope I shall be able to begin to save some money (what a concept).

But it can all get a little serious a little to easily.  Therefore, so much better to turn my mind to the things that make me happy, to look forward to the weekend, to seeing my man, to make space in my head for the very things that I feel I don't I have time for.

And so hence this afternoon I flit about inside the playroom that has now really become a workroom.  And from the computer comes a column pitching idea to a local daily, comes two short stories that I have waited far too long to send out into the world once again, to writing a little something Jungian about a dream I had, to doing a little yoga, to blog.  To gaze at the beautiful bunch of long stemmed red roses sitting on my desk.

The things, in short, that I do not believe I have any time to do.  Or any business doing.  Or that will make any difference.

The things that make me feel alive.  That scare the hell out of me :)

Life's too short to fall into the well of seriousness about all of this stuff.  But even beyond that, I am very mindful of my energy levels, as a post-CFSer.  Sometimes it's physical.  But sometimes it's psychical.  Sometimes my energy levels are directly related to the blockages that are still being dislodged from within me, the dastardly amount of internal voices that stop me from doing what I want to do most.

It's those internal bastards I have in my sights right now.  And, miracle of amazing miracles, amongst the dirty dishes and the too-long-between clay binges and the joy and happiness that is a new romance there is also this - this ongoing dismantling of those things that have held me captive.  An everyday sort of a miracle.  Sometime very amazing.

I am Ariadne, and I am Theseus, and I am the Minotaur.  But one of us is on the way out.