I Don't Know, and I Don't Care :)

Thursday, 12 August 2010

I don't know what or who or if God is anymore.

Conversely,  I feel just as close to God as I ever did.

I don't know what or who or if Jesus is or was anymore.  I don't know if he's just the invention of a bunch of people, if he was an enlightened being of the best sort of kind (the kind that leads the way for others ~ or is supposed to, if he doesn't get hijacked into the ugliest religion that ever did make horrors of people who would be far better off not having fallen into cultural religion).  I don't know if he was the Son of God, rescuing the entirety of humanity from itself in the most beautiful possible way, or demonstrating to the souls of humanity aspects they could never see about themselves without someone so unafraid of death laying their life down.  I don't know if Jesus was one of many, or one of one, or none of one.

Conversely, Jesus is still as dear and wonderful and challenging and scary and inspiring to me as he has always been.  Just without so much crap surrounding him.

I don't know about God.  All I know is that when I was reading something before (Julia Cameron's Walking in This World) and she mentioned God as "he", and I said in response to the God within, "I am SO sick of us talking about you as if you have a dick," and inside I felt like this shapeshifting, gurgling laughter.  And I don't know if that is just me, or if it is God.  It feels as if there is a space within me that feels like the me that is mySelf, the Me of the future and the past and the now all wrapped up together, and this Self is connected intimately with this god and yet is separate.  Joined and yet separate, with no loss of myself and yet myself swallowed up inside the vastness of this ... whatever, this Great Creator.

And all I know is that sometimes when I think about that, or feel it in my body and my soul, the joy is intense and I want it to be so, and I want God to be there, and I want everyone in the world to shut up talking about God, and naming God, so that we can reclaim some of the magic.

And all I know is that last night I crawled into bed, and I was listening to my favourite storyteller at the moment, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, talk on my mp3 player about creativity, about Persephone and Demeter and Hades, and she was lulling me to sleep like a child being told a bedtime story.  And all I know is that how it feels to me is that all of those elements are inside of me, the devil inside, the god inside, so much beauty and wonder and mysterious sexy dark, and destruction, and hot sunny creation, all inside.

All I know is that am sure of less than I was 15 years ago (and shudder when I think of how I once was, which is perhaps how life should always be if we are growing enough).

All I know is that I don't need to know so much anymore.


  1. Doesn't it feel good to feel free enough to express that

  2. It does, my dear Kentster. It feels like a birthright.

  3. Sue, you are one of the greatest treasures of the Antipodes! Much love & all kinds of blessings, Mike...

  4. I find that I need to know alot (too much) these days. Particularly about Cardiac Output and systemic circulation. Apparently I NEED to know it.. About Jesus...well..sometimes I think I meet him in the Emergency Department but you can never really be sure;)

  5. I want everyone in the world to shut up talking about God, and naming God, so that we can reclaim some of the magic.

    me too

  6. Sue, I thought of this post of yours as I just read this quote on Fb

    ‎"Today I wonder why it is God refers to Himself as
    “Father” at all. This, to me, in light of the earthly
    representation of the role, seems a marketing
    mistake. Why would God want to call Himself
    Father when so many fathers abandon their children?" -Don Miller, Blue Like Jazz

  7. Love you my friend for the way you articulate this. I'm so on the same page as you...thanks for being the words to it.

  8. Love it, love it, love it.

    It is finding that you are no longer the center of the universe. That this vortex is pulling you into the Heart, not you being some kind of container fit or even able to hold the Mystery. And as you are pulled all the "stuff" of life is flying past you, but it cannot touch you. Kind of like Alice in Wonderland falling down the rabbit hole and seeing all the things of her existence flying around, helpless because there is nothing to hold to, but yet to somehow know you are falling into the closest thing to Love you have ever or will ever know.

    Blessings on you....

  9. What Jo wrote = gold!

    I was going to say you are about prioritizing heart over head, about letting go of the idea that God/de can be locked up in a fine, velvet-lined, jewel-encrusted box whose key is somehow in the possession of some ordained caste. The wisest and most mystical among us (maybe that is why they are so wise and mystical) will freely admit that what we know of God/de is a drop in an infinite bucket. I take their word on that. We fly by night.

  10. Well, I know Jesus and I say He is the Christ - the Son of the living God. I say it freely and with certainty. And no He's not in a box either. He's Holy, Holy, Holy!! Wonderful and beautiful is the Christ in His humility and holiness!

  11. MysticBrit - it's a nice place to be, ain't it :)

    Mike - what a delight you are. Thank you for saying that :)

    Kel - yep. Bit too counterintuitive though, I guess, for some *shrug*

    Kent - Well, yeah, I don't think we'll have a correct view of God or humanity until it's as allowable to refer to him/her as Mother as Father :)

    Erin - thanks for all the times you articulate that same page. We do track together in this stuff :)

    Jo - I love the way you put it. Sometimes it feels that way to me, indeed :) A beautiful thang.

    Barbara - "We fly by night." Ooooh, yes! I love that!!!

    Cole - How lovely to see you so close to him. Enjoy! :)

  12. Urbanmonk - oops, sorry, missed responding to your comment. The amount we have to know these days is tedious in the extreme. Still, sorta handy in your situation, right? :) But yes, much more interesting the things we can never be quite sure about :)

  13. I'm in the same boat as you... don't want to cloud the whole religious scene with heaps of information. I want simplicity.... and if I want to learn something that will enhance my faith journey, I'll try my best to question and look at it sideways and standing on my head. Thank you for your comment on my blog tonight Sue. I really appreciate it.


    heres the link to the Greenbelt Festival site.


  14. yeah, have you been reading my diary? Actually it's not so secret anymore. I admitted to our cohort last month that I don't know that I believe in the virgin birth, in the conception by the Spirit of Godde, in the deity of Jesus, literal resurrection ... I just don't know. And I don't care. Still, I follow the teachings of Jesus. Now I have so much joy and peace and love and a desire to love more and more and more ... how can that not be of Godde?

    Favorite line: I want everyone in the world to shut up talking about God, and naming God, so that we can reclaim some of the magic.

  15. Dana - thank you for your blog post. I appreciated it more :) I agree, the less spoken, the less consumer, the more simple, the more profound, the better.

    Cynthia - that is awesome. The teachings of Jesus can be followed without holding to certain tenets. Somehow, he is still just as big as with all of those things. Even bigger, probably :)

  16. I love this post. There is so much honesty, soul baring, and truth in it.  

  17.  Aww, thanks, Lorena :)


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