Thursday, 24 November 2011

Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you micromanage your life to deal with your high sensitivity/post-CFS/adrenal fatigue/stresshead/empath/bad health/inability to function in the world loserness..

You micromanage your life, but then you have to take calculated risks, because that's what life is, right?  Life is about living.  About not needing to micromanage all the time.  About jumping in.

And so seven months ago you take a calculated risk because it feels right, even though it is a stressful thing to do.  But then two weeks later, when you're still dealing with the stress because of your high sensitivity/post-CFS/adrenal fatigue/stresshead/empath/bad health/inability to function in the world loserness, out of left field comes something to stress you off the dial.  Your past, holding a remote control, presses a couple of buttons from 50km away, and so you are reminded that (a) getting rid of your past is not as easy as you would like it to be and (b) you can't remember what (b) was because you have no fucking memory.

Sometimes your health goes backwards in your quest to bring it forwards.  I had a hypoglycemic attack last night.  And so after eating two pieces of toast I didn't want to eat because I really wanted to make the stir fry I really wanted to eat but I couldn't because I thought I would melt into a puddle on the floor,, I lay on the couch for the rest of the night feeling fatigued, weak, and depressed.

I hate the world today.  But hating the world and feeling depressed are no-nos in the energy consciousness field - if I do that I'm dragging down the planetary consciousness sphere with my negative mental energy, man.  Because don't we all know - if we all just stay positive everything will change.

But maybe some things are never going to fucking change.


  1. Oh no! Sorry. And Amen to everything Kel said.

  2. I think the planetary consciousness will cope with Susie Q having a shitty day:) I find that when junk hits the daylight it ignites spontaneously. Let it burn itself out, and Susie Q will still be there, unharmed, totally honest and superbly creative. Be where you are, as Kel said, 'cos that's where all the energy is:)

  3. Thank you, you guys.  I'm just feeling really crap, and really struggling just to be in the moment.  Kel, you hit it right on the head.  I think I have a shitload of aversion to my health going backwards because I was there for so long and it was so awful.  I feel like I've let myself down by this happening - which is a real control freaky way to think.

    Thanks, guys :)

  4. There's nothing wrong with hating the world once in awhile. I sure did last night, and the world didn't stop...I'm still here today. :)

  5. 'It does not do you good to leave a dragon out of your calculations if you live near him.' J.R.R. Tolkien.
    I read this today and thought of you. Take it if useful, ignore if not.

  6. Coming to this late just to kind of bear witness, although that sounds like a pretentious thing to say! Sometimes living feels like walking in two feet of mud.

  7. Nice one, Emma.  It is about that - befriending the dragon if you can (and amazing how often we can).  They have things to teach underneath their firebreathing :)

  8. No, not pretentious Tess.  Thanks.  It just does feel like that.  Sometimes it is just patently shitty.  And sometimes it is illuminating and a release to write about it :)

  9. Yeah, but ain't it weird, though.  It feels like there's EVERYTHING wrong with feeling like that.  And so it's a really nice thing to be able to write about it and get it out there.  And yeah, the world doesn't stop (because surprise surprise it doesn't revolve around me, duh)

  10. {hug} Susie Q

    the greatest gift you can give to yourself (and to the world by default, because when nourished in, are you also able to give out) is to allow yourself to be where you are at this moment

    it sounds like a tough place right now

    positive thinking has a time and place, but today might not be one of those days

    if it helps, i'm sitting here with you


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