time-past freezes into time-present
But not in a nice way. Not in a Live In The Moment kind of way but a
kind of way where you're walking along in the moment in 2013 and then
wham!
you fall into a ditch from 1982
or 1977
or 1975
and you feel the terror wash over you again.
It's a terror whose depths have taken you years to realise.
And no one but you knows that you're not in 2013 anymore Dorothy.
And you become repulsive
and you feel completely alone and
upset because no one comes to help but
no one knows you're not here and
no one ever did come to help in this particular way because
no one knew you were in the vat and
when it comes to this sort of thing
no one can help except you.
Ahh.
Now, the problem with that is that
whenever you fall into the vat from 1982
or 1977 or 1975
what comes with you is exactly not what you need
But there's nothing else here that is easily seen.
Nothing else but the terror and that voice
The one that says stuff about you that in daylight hours
you do not believe. Stuff about how you're the shittest piece of shit that
ever did live and how completely pathetic you are and seriously
you wouldn't talk to a moldy sock like that.
Or your worst enemy.
Your task, should you choose to accept it
is to find the good voice in that space
the real one not the shit one that is itself shit but says it's you who are shit.
And you do accept that task and
you take it on and
some days are better than others and
others are really just shot to the shit.
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| Pic Deeo-Eleclaire |
Hmm, been a few of those ditches for me lately. In my case due to homeopathy getting at deep-seated emotional stuff linked to memories. That 'I am shit' feeling comes up like a tornado on the back of a memory and hits you like a blow. Man, is harder than the physical stuff, that's for sure. All the reading and practicing one does, well, it pretty much goes out the window hey? Still, as the Buddhist text I am reading says, how will we know our mind unless we sit with our mind? And, at least it shows how far we have come, because that 'I am shit' feeling isn't there all the time any more, and each bit we deal with leaves a little bit less tucked away in there.
ReplyDeleteA tornado - that's exactly what it feels like. It feels like an extra punch in the face, doesn't it? It feels unfair, somehow. And I agree - we need to know what is going on with us in order to change it. Like I said to my partner last night, when I have those situations, it is so abundantly clear the extent of the horrible things I say to myself. Do I speak to myself like that all the time? No, I don't think so. But I guess I can't be sure about that. But that is one of the horrors of understanding how you have been affected by things - what you've taken on with it, the levels of self-hatred we can feel for ourselves. It's pretty astounding, really. Scary. But yes, I agree, it does feel like each one of those episodes there is a little bit less tucked away in there.
DeleteI'm sad that you have these times too ... but am glad that you shared about it here. It really does help sharing our stories, I reckon. Helps to alleviate all of that ridiculous isolated "this is only happening to me and no one else" weird perspective that often comes with this sort of trauma. So thanks, Keechy.
You're welcome, Sue. :) Yes it does help to know others feel it. I am trying to be more aware of those harsh voices and counter them with compassion for myself. It is interesting, reading Toni Bernhard's latest book called How to Wake Up, where she mentions that when asked how to counter self-hate, the Dalia Lama had no understanding of the question, because he was not raised to have such a thing. It isn't a necessary/inescapeable part of being human, which I guess I had thought it was. It is part of our conditioning as we were raised in the western world, with perhaps an added dollop of abuse to gild the sow's ear. :P
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