Monday 15 February 2010

You know, regardless of whether you see it as a real story or a myth, there is a lot you can glean from the Adam and Eve breakaway story.  About the fall into the false self, the egoic, fearful nature, and what men and women have a tendency to do in that sort of space.

(Much as I hate generalisations, I'm splitting the world into penises and vaginas in this post).

I had an interesting conversation with Dena on the weekend about the penchant women have to look to relationships - as seen most explosively in those with men - to make them whole instead of looking inside to the Self to, as she so delightfully put it, the place "where-God-and-you intersect".  I so like that, it has so stayed with me since that conversation, bubbling and resonating.  Pointing to that strange propensity within myself.  I do not know how much of what I am learning I can translate up from out of my gut into these little squiggles that make up words.  So much of it is not-yet, so much is untranslatable.

While I was meditating the other day, I saw, suddenly and sharply, a mass of some sort, perhaps a rock, that had a split deep into its middle.  And the light, a golden, deep light, burst forth and shone down into that crack, filling it up.  This is the way my Self talks to me.  I can't ever quite know if it is God or me talking.  They're too close to split.

These roots to go sideways and fall into a man run so oooh deep.  And you know, I used to think that this propensity in me was so strong simply because of my past history.  That my ability to fall quickly and hard was because of the things that lacked in my growing-up years.  But now I'm not so sure.

Us chicks, we get the deep-down intuitive, moonish, gutlevel stuff that most likely scares the shit out of you blokes because it scares the shit out of us as well.  And we've been trained to disregard it too by a culture that too often functions in the male elements to the detriment of the female.  That needs those female elements to make up the whole.  But they're easy to ignore.  They're often not translatable.  And a part of us women want to disregard it sometimes, because it's scary and its deep, because we're wounded, because it's powerful, because it changes stuff.  But geez, it's where all the good stuff flows :)

(Edit:  Of course I am not meaning to imply that men also do not have the capacity to gutfeel and intuit.  Because of course they do. And part of the higgledy piggledy imbalanced culture too is that men are not taught as well as they could be to value their female side.  And conversely, women to value their male.  If you can split these things.  I am making broad brush strokes here, but bear with me :)

It joys me to see some women I know, both online and in real life, regaining that stuff.  It heartens me when they speak that stuff into my life.  It's like a torrent sometimes, those trickles of words.

The propensity feels weird.  It feels like a dreamscape.  It feels lke something that's birthed in you without your consent.  It flips you sideways instead of stands you strong, grounded.  It gives your power away without you even realising you're doing it.

But of course, the beauty, and the terror, is in the discovery - so often the discovery - that it is not an it, it is a you.  And with that return to reality comes the pain and yet the headrush that while you may be finding yourself in a cage, it is of your own making.  And you have the power to dismantle it.

Here's to smashing those bastards down :)


  1. This sounds almost like the beginning of a fairy tale or a quest of some sort. The split rock, the roots, the cage and how and where to escape.

  2. What an adorable comment, Tess. I was wondering if perhaps this post was written too hastily, with bibs and bobs of gleanings but no real ability in the end to be able to say what I want to say.

    But you got the gist anyway :) Yes. A fairy tale or a quest indeed :)


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