Friday 14 September 2007

I'm feeling seriously depressed today. Most of it is because of this continual sickness. Almost two months I have spent ill in some way. What a bummer.

I didn't go to work today. The thought of having to physically have a shower, get dressed, put makeup on and drive to the station just felt too hard to bear. Aside from the physical things, I am feeling emotionally wrung out. There was a situation that I thought I could handle, that I thought God was asking me to walk in. What was frustrating was that when I felt like I was walking in it with God, it was do-able and it was good. But I couldn't do that all the time, and whenever I walked in it by myself, my own stuff spewed out the sides. And that happened just a little bit too often. So does that mean that God didn't want me to walk there? I don't know anymore. It was pretty crystal clear to me at one stage that he did. But it hasn't worked. I can't do this because I am feeling too vulnerable myself, and for it work I would have to put my own vulnerability aside. I don't know if I am prepared or even able to do it without feeling like I'm being violated in some way. But perhaps, in the end, what it was all about was that I wasn't prepared to put my own stuff aside enough. I don't know. But however it has stuffed up, it's all rather depressing, really.

I don't know what I think about much at all, at the moment. I guess I'm not as together as I thought I was - at least, the two-months-after-sickness me is not together very much at all. And I wasn't even very together before that. I guess I should be grateful that I am not going out shooting up innocent people in post offices.

What was it that CS Lewis said, something along the lines of ascribing to our own character
what is actually due to good digestion, or something like that? Basically, he was saying that if you throw a few loops into the mix, then you will begin to see what someone's real character is like once they're having to deal with bad stuff. I'm not sure where I stand on that - I'm not really into the whole "you are actually a lowly worm" version of humanity (and I know that's not what he was saying). But gee, if he is right, then in all actuality I am a depressive, intolerant, insufferable bitch. And gee, somehow I don't think that is the heart of who I am. But it amazes me how little I can cope with when I am unwell. It really does bring out the very worst in me. Perhaps it's because I spent over six years ill with CFS that wallowing in illness brings out my worst. I'm tired of living with my grumpy, depressed side, because I think my standard personality is upbeat and positive and pretty excited and full of wonder about stuff. I look forward to re-engaging with my personality sometime soon.

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