In Defence of Batshit

"It's boring as batshit," I said about something recently. Not sure where that colloquialism first stemmed from but it was my ex who first said it. I took a mental note and tucked it away because there is nothing like nonsensical similes to delight my imagination (or is it metaphors? I always get them mixed up).

MikeF is a Franciscan through and through. Lover of the natural world, an ex-dairy herdsman, Mike has a love both for the strained gnat and the swallowed camel, for the bat and its shit.

And so here is Mike's defence of batshit:

I must speak up for batshit, however. Not boring. Not remotely boring. Full of the most fascinating bits of bugs - you can tell loads about the local ecosystem, not to mention the foraging habits of the bats themselves, from a good pile of batshit. (Of course you might have been referring to your great big Aussie fruit bats' shit - in which case it probably is pretty yawn-inducing.)

We lose so much of the world when we insist on boxing it all in, don't we? As soon as you box something you begin to lose your ability to see things in their isness. And I confess, now I contemplate the concept of shit, I realise not all shit is the same, and that perhaps lumping it all in together as boring really means you don't know shit about shit. After all, just because some shit - for example, that of a meat-eating human - is of the most hideous pungency, requiring quick flushing and the striking of an entire box of matches does not mean that it is boring, necessarily. I'm sure under a microscope it would be way less than boring. Might make you feel ill, but it would not be boring. And indeed, to state that the human meat-eater's shit is bad and evil by dent of its smell is to deny the amazing workings of the human body to get it there in your toilet (if you are one of the people who looks at their poo, but we've already gone over that haven't we, bloggers.)

And truly, all shit does not stink because look at horse shit. How good does horse shit smell? It's a shame my dog isn't a horse I must say (he would have to be of the miniature variety of course to still sleep on the bed), I would have preferred he was a horse on Saturday as I was reminded, when I trod barefoot in a dollop deposited on the concrete out the back, how dog shit is not like horse shit in the smell department.

And so this fine morning, I find my interest is piequed by what batshit looks like with bits of bugs in it. How does one go about finding some? Unfortunately, Google can't help because I cannot see any bugs in this batpoo collected from a cave and sold online for people's gardening pleasure. (I guess "screened" means taking all the bugs out of it - and really, looking at this picture, this really does look boring. So I guess I'll just have to take Mike's word for it :)

The Shit Spectrum

TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".

ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)

JESUIT-ISM: If shit happens when nobody is watching, is it really shit?

ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

COMMUNISM: Equal shit happens to all people.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.

UNIVERSALISM: All shit is good.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

MYSTICISM: What weird shit!

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!

NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?

AZTEC: Cut out this shit!

QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.

FORTEANISM: No shit??

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.

VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!

NEW-AGE: Visualize shit not happening.

DEISM: Shit just happens.

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.

BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.

SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!

HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.

THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.

DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before you were born.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.

Jehovah's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.

MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.

BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.

STOICISM: This shit is good for me.

OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.

EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.

REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down.

FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.

CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.

CHARISMATIC: This is not shit and it doesn't smell bad.

MASONIC: Shit happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.

RED CROSS: Shit happens - send money.

Squishy mouldable things: poo, clay, and me

So 13 of you voted on my Do You Look At Your Poo After You've Done It? poll. Which makes me laugh, really, that 13 of you would have bothered. Thanks for indulging me, heh :)

So anyway, out of those 13, a whopping 6 people, or 46% of respondents, look at their own poo to check out what's going on with their digestion. I wonder what percentage of the average population do? Maybe the census people could look into putting it on the next national form to satisfy my curiosity :)

I think that the results of my poll are skewed because those 6 people were probably more inclined to vote than those who don't look, because those who do think it's important and they don't often get the chance to speak out about such things :) The opportunity doesn't come up much for discussion in general living, does it? I have never seen a stall in a shopping centre devoted to the cause of poo watching. There's no foundation that I know of. Poo is far too unsexy for promotion :) You can't really start crapping on about looking at your crap in the middle of lunch, can you? Unless you're like me. I broached the subject yesterday with my mum and my brother while we were eating lunch for his birthday. What the hell. My Mum enjoyed talking about it. 'Cause she's a health nut that looks at her own poo.

It was timely too because we were eating Ethiopian food, and there were these funny lentil things that looked like rabbit poo.

I'm sure Freud would have a lot to say about me and my shitty propensity. I asked my Mum yesterday if I smeared my poo on the walls as a baby. She couldn't remember exactly but thought that maybe I had. She believes that she did. So there you go. Blame her. It's genetic.

Nine people all up voted yes about their toilet habits, while out of those who voted no, 3 are grossed out at the thought of looking at their excrement while one person refused to participate in such puerility. Good for you :)

So thanks for playing everyone. It quite tickled my childish fancy :)

Speaking of soft squirmy masses that you can mould and shape, tonight I finally cracked open the bag of clay that I bought over a week ago. I've been too scared to open it, worried that I would be unable to think of anything, and having clayblock would just murder me. But once I started moulding and shaping and just generally stuffing around with it, I got this really cool idea. I LOVE playing with clay. I really love the 3Dness of it, the sensuality of it. I'm very happy that I got such a good idea, even though I actually ended up squashing it all down to nothing because I'm going to start again with it tomorrow. But the idea is impaled in my mind. Now I get to muck around with it. But sheesh, it's messy stuff, clay. The playroom has carpet. I really hope this isn't a bond-losing experience :) Perhaps I should go work in the garage.

I am personally back in God's little furnace for a fit of refiring. He is quite the master kilnsman, doesn't fire me for a second longer than I need. Producees work that lasts forever. And doesn't seem to get all that upset when I glare at him and say defiant swear words because the-fire-is-too-bloody-hot-and-fuck-me-if-im-not-sick-of-this-whole-remodelling-thang. Still, walking forward into the darkness is always worth it. Following that still voice so quiet that sometimes I don't know if I'm just imagining things, or listening to myself, or whatever. Still, seems to work out a fair bit of the time in hindsight that it does indeed seem that I followed that lovely shepherd voice after all. Not that this is provable to anyone except for my own heart. But that's all I need.

Toiletries

Do you ever find it weird how everyone gets around pretending they don't poo? Except for people who blog about it like me, and those rude sorts of people who go on about the shit they just had because it's funny and they want to embarrass you (I would never do such a disgusting thing). You would think that nobody ever does it the way no one talks about it. Pooing in the workplace is a prime example. How completely embarrassing is it to be caught out dropping one into the bowl and someone walks into the bathroom while you're in the middle of it, and you know they've heard you? It's like you've been caught looking at porn, or something. The embarrassment! You try to make a clean getaway, without them seeing that the pooer was you. As if afterward they're going to talk behind their hand to everyone else when you walk past, "Hey. That's the woman I just heard taking a crap before." What the hell is that public pooing embarrassment thing all about?

I feel pretty casual about bodily functions. Poo and fart jokes are still funny to me. I think it's kind of cool the way our bodies do these really gross things. But still, I must admit, I cannot poo in public. I will either put a whole lot of paper in the bowl so that you can't hear it, or I will wait until the person in the cubicle next to me leaves. And oh, what happens if both of you want to poo? Is it just a thigh-shuddering wait to see who will give in first and give in?

It would be liberating if we all could poo in public a bit easier, wouldn't it? But yuk. When you hear people pooing in public toilets, doesn't it gross you out? It's the same feeling I get when I have walked through somebody's fart. If it's someone I don't know at all, sometimes it makes me unseasonably irritated, as if their fart has permeated my entire body, making me dirty and having to go home and have a shower.

Which is a bit pathetic, really, isn't it?

I also find it a bit pathetic that women's menstruation is even more of a no-no taboo subject than poo. But then, I suppose I can understand it. If it was men who menstruated, I'm sure I would be grossed out entirely by it and it would seem terribly mysterious and weird. But I wonder - would the ads on telly all feature thin blue liquid, or would men have insisted, as the ones with far more outward power, on it all being put on the table? I'm not sure.

But anyway, I'm not talking about menstruating. I'm talking about the one we all get to share in. Poo. Please take part in my poll over there <== Very scientific it is. I thought of it before when I was otherwise engaged. I know that there are different sorts of people who do different things with their toilet paper. Some fold it so that it is a nice little Princess and the Pea type situation so that there is no chance of getting any poo on your hands. Others scrunch it, maybe for the same reason (personally, I think scrunching feels like you've got a greater depth. Folding is too flat to me, unless you happen to be using 96 ply toilet paper). If there is different toilet paper preferences going on among people, there must be different thoughts on poo viewing also. And I want to know. These are the kinds of things I really want to know. So please participate. It's not like anyone is going to know your personal answer (unless I can identify you on SiteMeter, sitting there tracking my visitors and monitoring who does what, so that I can use it against you later, making threats that you go onto your own blog and rave on incessantly about how wonderful I am, or else I am going to tell everyone that you look at your own poo all the time).

Pooing. I must say, I feel great satisfaction after a big poo. Do you? I hate the ones where you strain so hard you work up a sweat and it feels like you lost 14 kilos, and you shudder upon delivery. Those ones are difficult. And they generally happen kinda quickly so you're left wiping your brow and overwhelmed and have to go and lie down for a few minutes. I prefer the ones that are slower, and I can read a page or two of the book which often sits next to the toilet for such purposes.

When my friend John came back from Canada recently, he said that one of the things he was looking forward to was having a crap in a toilet where your bum wasn't so close to the ground. Which got me thinking. I suppose I just tend to assume that all toilets are the same height. But obviously in Canada they are shorter. Canadian readers must find that a goodly percentage of their "wow-look-at-that-im-kinda-proud" sized poos give then a nice little bidet wash afterwards. Bidets. They seem a bit ... well, anal to me :)

But of course some cultures don't have toilets at all but squat instead. Which is apparently really good for you, squatting. Apparently good for women's gynaecological health but also good to help you do poo easily. So there you go. Sitting on a toilet may not necessarily be the best way to do such a thing. Still, it's what I've grown up with, and it's much safer for us clumsy types who are prone to falling over.

Here is a blog that someone has written about their own poo. Those pictures made me feel a bit ill but I laughed. Is this normal behaviour for a 37 year old woman, or am I just giving my inner 10 year old boy too much free rein? http://www.dailypoopoo.com/