Saturday 15 September 2007

I am spending way too much time on the 'puter today. As usual, I can't get myself motivated. I feel quite disconsolate at the moment. It is a place I have found myself in quite a bit over the years, mainly when health problems intervene (as they are now). I don't tend to stay here - I find when I am well that I tend to bounce back out again eventually. But gee, it makes for a rather moody ride, at times :)

When Mark and I first broke up I stayed with my good friend Jane for a few months. I will always be grateful to her because I was totally freaked out, and she was such a great person to be around. No matter that she was going through her own stuff with her own 10-year-long illness, she was always willing to offer encouragement and perspective when I needed it.

One thing that stayed with me from that time was her saying, "Gee, Sue. I see you going down into these dark, dark places - and yet you bounce back again and again! It's inspiring to see."

I am glad for whatever it is that bobs me back up to the surface again. However, these days, I feel like I could just let go and get sucked down. Go lie on the bottom of the ocean for a while. Go hang out with the octopi. I feel so empty and alone, so aware of my own limitations.

I am a rather selfish person, I think. I suspect. I don't mean to be. But I think I find myself in that position. Perhaps it's just the territory of living alone and spending a lot of time by myself. Perhaps we're all inherently selfish if left to our own devices. Maybe I need to have some children, to make me realise that it's really not all about me ;)

I feel like a piece of poo at the moment. Maybe it's a natural reaction when we look inside and see so much to despise. I read a really cool quote before about living as a masterpiece in process. I love the idea. I love the psychic space in my head when I think that this is not all I am, nor is it where I am stopped. But gee, growth is so painful.

I am taking solace in the following quote:

"The deeper and richer a personality is, the more full of paradox and contradiction. It's only a shallow character who offers us no problems of contrast" - Madeliene L'Engle.

Having meditated a bit on the kindness of God recently, I think now is the perfect time for me to put it into action and to be kind to myself. It's rather a difficult thing to do sometimes, isn't it? It feels somehow good and cleansing to be horrible to ourselves. A bit of self-flagellation to keep us on the straight and narrow. A strange kind of guilt purging, I think. How strange that inclination is. And how wasteful guilt is. I don't plan on indulging it. I plan on killing it. With kindness ;)

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