Apathy to Elation in 14 Paces

Wednesday 9 January 2008

  1. Apathetically look at Microsoft Outlook calendar message (which has already been snoozed several million times in the past few weeks) to do business activity statement stuff. Decide to stop making a molehill mountain and just do it. Feel tired after five hours of extreme UV sunlight but get sudden burst of gusto and decide to do it anyway, as playing good music makes me feel better and think that perhaps biting off a tiny piece of this elephant is completely and utterly doable this fine evening.
  2. Feel strange and slightly giddy that I am actually tackling one of my 386 procrastination tasks.
  3. Think that maybe this will mean that I am also gonna vacuum sometime soon. Pray to the Godfrey God that it may be so. Think longingly of floor walked on in bare feet (standard issue footwear at this time of year, even when partaking of tennis at the Kooyong Lawn Tennis Club - part of silly teenage rebellion still being hung onto with gusto well into fourth decade on God's green earth to not wear shoes if I goddamn don't want to). Think of how nice it will feel to walk on said floor in bare feet without feeling crunchy things underfoot. Resolve to vacuum on weekend.
  4. Feel a bit giddier.
  5. Look at unattractive piles of totally out-of-kilter bits of paper of my life. Groan. Consider briefly leaving the whole mess the way it is but then think that my room where I write deserves to be clean and tidy and that having a clean, tidy writing room for the first time in 11 months could be enough to catapult me into feverishly writing 300 short stories in the next few months.
  6. Realise that even thinking jokingly that I will write 300 short stories in the next few months could be some kind of reason for my inner scaredy cat to get scared and not write even 3 short stories in the next few months. Revise thoughts to write 3 short stories in the next few months.
  7. Feel even giddier at this niceness-to-self being displayed.
  8. Sit down in midst of gargantuan filing-all-over-the-floor (as photographically evidenced several months ago at the bottom of this post). Decide to brave the rapids.
  9. Begin sorting filing-on-the-floor into files, in preparation for filing into ugly institutional grey filing cabinet. Resolve to paint filing cabinet in act of defiance against institutionalisation and greyness.
  10. Manage, amazingly, to actually find the 3 or 4 pieces of paper required to do said actioning of said business activity statement (which, annoyingly, for all of this hassle, is only for a job which totalled $75). Find the pieces of paper in, like, four minutes. Room begins spinning with giddiness.
  11. Come across latest short story in process of being submitted. Decide to read short story. Have been doing a bit of reading of one's own stuff in recent days. Kinda getting back into the saddle. See glaring obvious bad bits about story - but feel okay with that - know that ego requires perfection but soul and spirit don't. Think about nice compliments been given recently by lovely online and offline friends about writing ability. Think, "I can do this." Feel even giddier.
  12. Look at self in mirror sitting on floor, in consideration of the fact that maybe, just maybe, I am a writer. Think about how much self has been tackling in self's soul - much blertiness. Realise, with a gentle blip, that the stuff self has been tackling over past year is the worst it gets - self has been dealing with the absolute worst and most painful of one's wounds. All of them. Realise that self is feeling okay right now, thank you very much. Still vulnerable, still disorientated, still grouchy and still in pain, still with a few blobby blobs of fucked-upedness - but God is working stuff out that self can't even begin to see. Feel suddenly lighter. Oh, my. Gaze at self's sunburnt bits. Think, "I am a burnt offering".
  13. Ponder how the whole loving myself thing is something am starting to see with own eyes and feel in own soul. Begin to really acknowledge that am way too hard on one's self - even though people surrounding one's self tell self that, and self knows. But now self can see a little bit better how much self has been nasty to oneself now self is starting to be loverish to self. Enjoy the honeylike balm sensation. Know that everything is being worked out for good.
  14. Feel something approaching elation. Resolve to file more if it makes me feel this good :)

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