Dear Corey Hart's Cheating Girlfriend

Wednesday 3 September 2008

Dear Corey Hart's Cheating Girlfriend,

He wears his sunglasses at night so he can, so he can watch you weave then breathe your storylines, huh?

Just what material are your storylines made out of exactly? Some kind of invisible material that becomes apparent when you put on your Raybans, like x-rays or 3D glasses? How very strange. Oh, it's a metaphor? Goodness me. It's rather a clunky, crap one, isn't it!

Okay, so I can see what drew you to him. He's gorgeous. Yum yum. So what was it that sent you off on the road to deceiving him? Was that what came first? Did you deceive him first, or did he start placing a bit too much faith in his sunnies' super-powers? Is that what got your eye straying somewhere else?

I mean, obviously he's insecure, right? Good looks don't mean anything in the security stakes. And I don't know how secure he was before you came along, but now you've done your bitch act on him ... well, your deception has cut his security. He feels like everything is out of control, like this relationship is terribly unbalanced. He wonders if you've got control of him. He's certainly given away all of his power to you. So, did that go to your head? Did you suddenly start tying him to the bed with leopard skin scarves and have your evil way with him? Start belittling him? Criticising the things important to him - his mother, his eyewear? Whatever you did, it didn't sound like it was all that nice. Sounds like it drew him ever further into the delusional belief that his Oakleys will save him. But really, how different is he to the rest of us? We all put faith in stupid things, in our little power ploys and control freak tactics to get people to dance the way we want them to. Or we place our faith in money, in the stockmarket, in the new dress we've bought, in our big house. Whatever. We all do it. It doesn't give you any reason to treat him like shite and sleep with his best friend.

Okay, so he's delusional, obviously. But you sound like a bit of a bitch, too, when all is said and done. So what did you do when he turned to you and angrily informed you that you better not switch the blade or masquerade with the guy in shades? Did this sudden display of assertiveness sway you at all? Or did his propensity to place all of his faith in a piece of plastic to redeem his own shaky confidence make you despise the fact that you've got it made with the guy in shades, and make you realise that suddenly, you don't want anything with him at all?

I think you should move on, personally. He sounds a bit flaky to me. Beautifully flaky, though, must be said. Like a chocolate bar. I imagine chowing down on him would still be a pleasurable experience, even though he has ill-placed trust in his accessories. But you sound like a bit of a torture chamber yourself. Move on, darling. Onto your next victim.


Edit: chowing down on him sounds rather risque, I admit. But maybe you should just get your head out of the gutter :)


  1. So which is it: Ray-Bans or Oakleys? Do tell...

  2. Raybans feel pretty 80s'ish. Maybe we should go with them :)

  3. What can I tell ya. The boy's from Montreal!
    I wonder what he looks like these days.

  4. Is he, Barb? One of your boys? My friend John was in Montreal last week visiting his uncle. I shoudl have come with him and lobbed up on your doorstep :)

  5. He wears his Sunglasses at night because his pupils are very dilated and he has a heavy desire to eat heaps of munchies!!!

  6. LOL Maybe that's it :) He sounds like he's taken something rather more hardcore than dope though, doesn't he, with all those delusions :)


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