Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Do you ever find it weird how everyone gets around pretending they don't poo? Except for people who blog about it like me, and those rude sorts of people who go on about the shit they just had because it's funny and they want to embarrass you (I would never do such a disgusting thing). You would think that nobody ever does it the way no one talks about it. Pooing in the workplace is a prime example. How completely embarrassing is it to be caught out dropping one into the bowl and someone walks into the bathroom while you're in the middle of it, and you know they've heard you? It's like you've been caught looking at porn, or something. The embarrassment! You try to make a clean getaway, without them seeing that the pooer was you. As if afterward they're going to talk behind their hand to everyone else when you walk past, "Hey. That's the woman I just heard taking a crap before." What the hell is that public pooing embarrassment thing all about?

I feel pretty casual about bodily functions. Poo and fart jokes are still funny to me. I think it's kind of cool the way our bodies do these really gross things. But still, I must admit, I cannot poo in public. I will either put a whole lot of paper in the bowl so that you can't hear it, or I will wait until the person in the cubicle next to me leaves. And oh, what happens if both of you want to poo? Is it just a thigh-shuddering wait to see who will give in first and give in?

It would be liberating if we all could poo in public a bit easier, wouldn't it? But yuk. When you hear people pooing in public toilets, doesn't it gross you out? It's the same feeling I get when I have walked through somebody's fart. If it's someone I don't know at all, sometimes it makes me unseasonably irritated, as if their fart has permeated my entire body, making me dirty and having to go home and have a shower.

Which is a bit pathetic, really, isn't it?

I also find it a bit pathetic that women's menstruation is even more of a no-no taboo subject than poo. But then, I suppose I can understand it. If it was men who menstruated, I'm sure I would be grossed out entirely by it and it would seem terribly mysterious and weird. But I wonder - would the ads on telly all feature thin blue liquid, or would men have insisted, as the ones with far more outward power, on it all being put on the table? I'm not sure.

But anyway, I'm not talking about menstruating. I'm talking about the one we all get to share in. Poo. Please take part in my poll over there <== Very scientific it is. I thought of it before when I was otherwise engaged. I know that there are different sorts of people who do different things with their toilet paper. Some fold it so that it is a nice little Princess and the Pea type situation so that there is no chance of getting any poo on your hands. Others scrunch it, maybe for the same reason (personally, I think scrunching feels like you've got a greater depth. Folding is too flat to me, unless you happen to be using 96 ply toilet paper). If there is different toilet paper preferences going on among people, there must be different thoughts on poo viewing also. And I want to know. These are the kinds of things I really want to know. So please participate. It's not like anyone is going to know your personal answer (unless I can identify you on SiteMeter, sitting there tracking my visitors and monitoring who does what, so that I can use it against you later, making threats that you go onto your own blog and rave on incessantly about how wonderful I am, or else I am going to tell everyone that you look at your own poo all the time).

Pooing. I must say, I feel great satisfaction after a big poo. Do you? I hate the ones where you strain so hard you work up a sweat and it feels like you lost 14 kilos, and you shudder upon delivery. Those ones are difficult. And they generally happen kinda quickly so you're left wiping your brow and overwhelmed and have to go and lie down for a few minutes. I prefer the ones that are slower, and I can read a page or two of the book which often sits next to the toilet for such purposes.

When my friend John came back from Canada recently, he said that one of the things he was looking forward to was having a crap in a toilet where your bum wasn't so close to the ground. Which got me thinking. I suppose I just tend to assume that all toilets are the same height. But obviously in Canada they are shorter. Canadian readers must find that a goodly percentage of their "wow-look-at-that-im-kinda-proud" sized poos give then a nice little bidet wash afterwards. Bidets. They seem a bit ... well, anal to me :)

But of course some cultures don't have toilets at all but squat instead. Which is apparently really good for you, squatting. Apparently good for women's gynaecological health but also good to help you do poo easily. So there you go. Sitting on a toilet may not necessarily be the best way to do such a thing. Still, it's what I've grown up with, and it's much safer for us clumsy types who are prone to falling over.

Here is a blog that someone has written about their own poo. Those pictures made me feel a bit ill but I laughed. Is this normal behaviour for a 37 year old woman, or am I just giving my inner 10 year old boy too much free rein?


  1. sue, you crack me up
    this is the funniest post

    many moons ago when i worked in a health clinic they used to sell little stools (ha-ha) that people could put their feet up on while on the loo, apparently it puts the body in more of a squat position, while still sitting

    came across the muslim toilets in Dubai, wasn't game to try them!

    and was bemused by toilets in the USA that had so much water in the bowl - they sure don't know about wise water use over there ;)

    thanks for making me laugh
    muchly needed . . .

  2. My sister used to take pictures of her poo when she was a kid. She didn't want to forget the really good ones, I guess. She also used to put her feet up on a stool when she went.

    Anyhow, this is the weirdest post I've ever read, but you make good points. There actually is a kids book called 'Everyone Poops'. My kids loved it. (Also "Walter the Farting Dog" is a good one, in case you're interested.)

    But why is it when we go to the store we hide the "feminine products" at the bottom of our basket, but not the toilet tissue?

    And as far as the water in the bowl, not having been in any other country I can't really compare, but yes, we do have a good amount of water in the bowl here. It aids in the "rinse" cycle.

  3. Thankyou for these thoughts - they shall remain with me throughout this day - I feel uplifted and encouraged.

  4. I love these comments, haha :) Yes, I wonder too, Erin, why we hide the 'feminine products' at the bottom. Is it because we don't want to make the pooor widdle men queasy? Is that it? I'm not sure. But hell - maybe we should get over it :)

  5. When erin said this: but you make good points I almost fell off my chair laughing and I had just composed myself once again having just read the post.

  6. here's a question. Why do the manufacturers put pictures of babies on the toilet paper packages? I think a big hiney would be a more accurate representation don't you? :)

  7. What? What did I say? (Looks around, shrugs shoulders)

    Kent, re:your last comment...probably for the same reason they use blue water in feminine hygiene commercials...we don't like to face reality, it doesn't sell well.

  8. lol- you always bring up the mostly unmentionable...but good points! : )
    When you're a parent of a o to 4 year old, though, pooping is a prime subject. Calling it "poopy" makes it a lot cuter are more palatable...
    Every time Maggie goes we all need to scream and shout for affirmation and joy! Just yesterday, I walked out of the bathroom screaming Mommie went poopy! yay! Just for effect. My husband just looked at me funny. I was trying to make a point for Maggie, that she just needs to go and that that is that. She'll go in the potty but she insists one of us HAS to be in there with her while she does her business... (pooping scares her in a way. She'll hold it till she's sick and blue)
    Yesterday, though, she ran out of the potty and said I pooped like 10 poopies momma!! get joy out of everything

  9. Manuela - And YOU'LL get joy from the day you don't have to help her "clean up" when she's done. I thought those days would NEVER end.

  10. This is such a shithouse discussion.

    Haaaar *slaps leg*

  11. after buying tampons and pads and being sent back to the store to exchange the ones you just got because you got the wrong kind and that ALL you have in the checkout line... the taboo kind of wears off fast. marriage will do that to you. believe me, nothing says love like being able to ignore some period panties in the sink when you wake up in the morning. :-)

    but we weren't talking about menstruation. all i have to add is thoughts about toilet paper and advertising. in the states, there is a company called "nothern" that does animated commercials. what gets me is not the obvious avoidance at not using real people. but when they have an animated woman wearing a velvet glove running her hand over toilet paper and holding up an animated finger showing how it doesn't leave any "lint" behind... i have to say, "because you didn't draw any." if anyone buys on the strength of that commercial i'll be shocked at the gullibility.

    and speaking of toilet paper commercials, i've always thought they were kind of funny. because really, when you cut through all the avoidance, the only claim you can really make to try to sell your product is:

    we get the shit off your ass better than the other guy

    which is another way of saying

    the other toilet papers leave shit behind. and that'll give you dingleberries. you don't want dingleberries do you? buy our product!

    great post!

    BTW i noticed you have a lot more comments than votes on your survey. hmmm...

  12. Dingleberries. Haven't heard them called that before, LOL. Pretty.

    I'm sure your wife will be enamoured to know that we are thinking of her stained panties in the sink but you know what is much more offensive than that to me? The word "panties".

    Really, when you say to me "panties", I think dirty old men in sticky trench coats. I hate that word so much, it makes me go all squirmy.

    Just sayin'.

    And yes, I did notice that there are far more comments than polls, which is weak, people. WEAK!


  13. What is it with your poo fixation haha? I remember (as 10 yr olds) us being in hysterics for ages about poo related stuff! I think its time you got over it lol!

    That blog you posted made me feel physically sick! thanks for that haha! I obviously have some kind of poo phobia! (yes Im anal about poo ohhh ha ha ha)

  14. Dingleberries

    GOOD GOD!!! What has this discussion come to?!!!

  15. Andi - no, I won't get over it! Poo is funny! Funny! :) LOL. Remember we were in hysterics talking about Stuart Copeland if he had a bum that was flat like two bongo drums (which aren't even flat anyway, but don't let that get in the way).

    Gee, we had some fun, didn't we? Did you ever find those tapes? I would love to listen to us again ... if we could hunt down a cassette deck :)

    Erin - well, it didn't exactly start auspiciously, this conversation, did it?

    Manuela - "Mommie went poopy" did she? Congratulations!!! Yay!!!! Hehe :)

  16. I broke down and voted here.
    what?! I love the word panties! Bloomers is cool too ( though you only picture huge, balloon panties) Panties, panties, panties : D what do you all call underwear there in Australia?
    Back in the day they were "pantelletes" -i learned that from one of Maggie's potty books : )

    Indeed, very edifying discussion here

    I wonder if this post will exceed all other posts in comments...hmmm

  17. I'm not listening to you when you say that word, Manuela, blocking my ears, la la la la la!!!!

    :) We call them undies. Or sometimes boys wear jocks.

  18. I hate the word panties, too. There is something beyond feminine about it, in a really wrong way.

    We call them underwear. Plain and simple.

  19. I wont lower myself to talking about poo. But surely its got be knickers...

  20. The Irish have always saved the day Stu. "Knickers" just sounds right. :)

  21. Ah, yes, you're right, Stu. It's knickers :) And hey, good to see you :)

  22. That's fine and all, but to me, knickers are the knee-length pants John-boy Walton wore in the 70's TV show "The Waltons".

    Similar to these.


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