Sometimes you wonder how you don't just go flying off to spaces of ungravity on cords of anxiety. These cords seem to be a companion of yours in these days of entering into yourself more while increasingly not knowing who the fuck you actually are.
Is there any end to the complexity and the paradox?
This day is different to the other day. This day is shards, and you wonder if time hasn't suddenly sped up once again without telling the scientists. The days go by so fast that it's a wonder that you can actually walk on the ground without flying off, that you can do anything more than eat one meal and go to work for 30 minutes and get two hours' sleep.
Such a shame, the amount of time you must spend tuning the world out so you don't get overwhelmed. Would you trade off certain creativities and nuances and intuitions and perceptions in place of being just a tad less sensitive? Yes, on days like this you would, in a heartbeat. For a place in the world where you feel like you belong? Certainly.
You take comfort that one of the people you love the most understands entirely and experiences the same. You think that if you hadn't had her in your life you just don't know what you would have done.
It would have been your tenth wedding anniversary on Friday if you weren't such a fucked-up unit.
Still, grace extends in every direction, even in yours. God doesn't despise you anything like the way you despise yourself sometimes. This is a comfort and a golden thread to follow if you sit on the God end rather than in your own, scraping shards of pottery over yourself. Self-punishment is a luxury you tired of many moons ago.
This is another version of these days. You don't like this one quite as much as some of the others.
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Yeah, these days can suck.
ReplyDeleteAnd they can seem unending when you're in them, like the other kind has never been and will never bee again.
But they will come and this one will end. And time will keep moving....
Love, you, {{hug}}
Ahh, KG, I know they're not unending, simply because I'm up and down like a bride's nightie, and following on Saturday comes Wednesday, and then I'll be up again. You're right, time will keep moving. It's just hard to not get stuck in it at times, you know? I'm glad I have my blog to vent on when that happens.
ReplyDeleteLove you too ((hug u))
So many things are messy right now and it's so easy for me to carry it around like shame that I'm just not powerful enough to make everything all right and neat again. Sometimes I feel like my shoulders drag on the ground.
ReplyDeleteWhat we expect of ourselves...it's a good thing that God doesn't expect those things, or else we'd be in big trouble.
I like to think God knows we're fucked up and loves us anyway.
A hug for Sue.
Yeah, I know the 'getting stuck' part, too. It is amazing how it can feel like we are stuck in the yuck every time - unable to see out. It sucks and we survive purely on grace, I think.
ReplyDeleteyeah...I wonder how many people feel this sort of desperation and can't communicate it to anyone who would hear, and the not being heard is awful in and of itself.
ReplyDeleteI certainly have days like this where all I feel is weighed down and I look around and have to strain to see hope. Maybe I just get blind but many things are SO messed up.... but I don't want to just get stuck there. Part of the process out is acknowledging it and even the feeling of being stuck, which I know about and can feel so overpowering...
but we all have one another :) thank goodness
Im so thankful for you, Sue! I hope your nightie lifting days are less and less! But maybe thats just life...xxx
ReplyDeleteErin - why do we do that? Sigh. It's so tied up in the very depths of us as people. I mean, I can look in from the outside at Erin feeling the shame and think, "Why? What on earth are you doing, woman?" And then I do exactly the same thing. Like every other person. It's very frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI do believe, however, that the cords of that stuff are in the process of being untangled. I do. We just can't see it, right? And often not believe it until somewhere down the line we realise we're a bit freer in one area than we were before. STill, the process just SUCKS.
I hope you're mummy is going well today
KG - yeah. Breathing grace. I've been sucking it in hard over the past few years. What annoys me is how far away God feels in these times.
Manuela - I was thinking yesterday about how much crustier I'm getting, wondering if the only time I will be able to say "I love you" and hug people is online, some time in the future. Now, there's a scary thought, isn't it? I guess I just need to trust that it's not gonna be that way in God's economy. I tell ya what though, honey, sometimes it feels like it, like I'm gonna crust over so bad it's gonna cover my blowhole and I'm gonna be dead.
But then, of course, a day or two later I'm swimming in freedom and love, so maybe I should look into a bipolar diagnosis.
Andi - Or maybe I'm not bipolar and this is just life, like you say :) It hurts so much, denumbing.
Wracked my cotton wool brain for what you mean by nightie lifting days? You can't mean the sorts of days when someone else is lifting my nightie - those days are very over right now :) Are you talking about my flashing days? Come on, I only did that once, and we were 18! :)
I think she might have been referring to your response to my first comment.... ;P
ReplyDeletehaha no!! You said you were up and down like a brides nightie! ;)
ReplyDeleteDoh
ReplyDeleteSue, there is NO WAY you can make a comment like that and then forget you said it! That was a classic...I spewed my diet coke when I first read it! Fabulous.
ReplyDeleteHow are things in the neighborhood today? I heard they caught someone for the fires?
LOL Erin. I can't claim credit for that saying, it's an Australian saying. I first heard my auntie's boyfriend saying it and it just stuck very visually in my head, haha :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, they've caught someone for one of the fires. Bastard. It's very smoke hazey where I live and work. The moon last night was red as it rose. I've woken up this morning with congestion. The media is tiring of the issue now, but there are still quite a few fires burning round about, and the weather is beginning to heat up again. You know how much I love summer, but I'm willing to forsake it for winter just so we can get rid of the threat. I don't think I'm ever going to quite love summer again in the same way :(