I can't seem to finish anything. When I look over my life, it's this overarching theme. One that is showing itself up in a whole lot of different areas. I turn the world to blank and the game is done, you see. Can't finish a short story. Couldn't finish my marriage. It's pretty pathetic, really.
So it was understandable, you see, when tonight on my way home I was thinking about not going back to my clay class again. It's a bit of a loser sort of a thing, I guess, but what can I say? It's just there, like a sore thumb, you know? I don't know what informs it. Like I said in my last post, I'm trying to kill it.
Thing is, though, I was good at my marriage, and I'm good at writing short stories. If I'm good at those things, and I still can't finish them, then what hope do I have when it turns out that I am not very good at clay? To tell you the truth, dear world, I'm pretty good at a lot of things I turn my hand to, you know? To be in a class where I am the dumbest one there, the one who needs help from the teacher all the time, who forgets what she has been told two minutes after she is told it - it's so humiliating to me. I am patently not good at doing public things that I am not good at. Tonight I came away with nothing except a bag of clay to work on outside of the class because what I finished up with in the end was a big fat nothing where other people had these figures taking form.
Maybe when I'm by myself I won't feel so much performance anxiety. Why do I have to be so goddamned serious and overreactive about something so patently unimportant?
I hate myself right now. I hate this part of me. And so what do I do? I blog about it. Put it out into the whole world. What a dick.
I don't know how to finish anything :( I can't fix this in myself. It runs too deep, it's right in my veins. It's rutted itself into corners and I don't even know what it is anymore. Shame maybe. I don't know.
This is just a mood, anyway, right? Just a mood, and it will pass. It will pass and another one will take its place and depending on what it is I will see things differently. Maybe I will even dredge up the courage to go back there again, do something I'm not really good at.
A different mood. Everything seems so different depending on your transient moods, passing thoughts. Maybe that's why this post feels so pointless, so embarrassingly self-indulgent. People are starving to death and I'm upset because I'm not the clay queen? Big fucking deal.
But it is a big deal, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't write this stupid post, would I?
I hate being so vulnerable. I don't want to do it. I want to get real crusty, grow me 20 cats, go live in the country. Sit on my porch with my gun and shoot at people :)
Okay. You're just being silly now.
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Hey, you finished this blog post!!! Oh Sue, you had me laughing at the end of this, but its not funny that you feel this way. I hope you've stopped hating yourself and that it helped to write. You are so DAMN GOOD at writing, and thinking, and caring and being funny and at ART. Give yourself a break, okay? A break from thinking so hard and caring so much. I know - easier said than done and big time preaching to the choir.
ReplyDeleteWell I better feed the cats and get back to the front porch.
note from one who lives in the country: folk here think cats are evil - apparently they disturb the native animals - so if you had 20, I dont think they'd let you live in the country
ReplyDeletethen there's the case of the firearm, for which you would need a license, then permission to purchase one, a secure lockable storage solution for said firearm....
perhaps 1 dog and a water pistol on the back steps of your place might do just fine for your purposes :)
may you find the courage to push through and make something of that bag of clay
may you discover satisfaction in crossing finish lines
may you know there are people cheering you on from the sidelines and holding up cups of cold water for you as you pass by
So, you're not the clay queen - how about The Clay Princess! That has a nice ring to it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Barbara - don't be so hard on yourself. You're good at a lot of things. I know you FEEL vulnerable when you get out of your comfort zone, but you LOOK courageous!
Barbara - you're right, I did finish this blog post :) And who knows, maybe if I hadn't got sick I might have been able to finish my marriage too, I'm not quite sure. I'm like you; writing helps me understand what I'm thinking. Thank you for encouraging me and listening to me. I'm NOT good at art, but maybe if I persist with it one day I will be good at it, you know?
ReplyDeleteOkay, I will try and give myself a break. I know you understand how difficult it is to do that, but it's part of living as if you're something worthwhile, isn't it.
Meet you on the front porch. We'll shoot some passersby :)
Kel - LOL, you really dont think they'd let me live in the country? Is there a big gate where tehy would ban me from entering? :) Okay, okay, I promise: if I ever *do* live in the country with 20 cats, I'll keep them all inside and have a cat run outside :)
Youre, right, the dog and teh water pistol sound a much more viable option :) (Cheaper too - got the dog, and water pistols can be had at the $2 shop, unless you want one of them high-falutin' ones that have pump action, etc :)
Thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot. I don't know if I am going to be able to push through this one, to be honest. It's about 100 times more difficult than I thought it was going to be.
Sherry - I do feel like a bit of a princess writing this post :) I'm sure some reading here would see it as self-indulgent but tough tits :) It's my blog, right? :)
Thank you, yes, I'm sure I do look courageous but be guaranteed - I have a whole lot of front and a whole lot of bluster :)
Thanks for the encouragement people, I needed to hear it, you know? We need to hear things from other mouths (or fingers in this case) even if we KNOW it
Tess has the most amazing post over at Anchors and Masts, I hope it is balm for your soul too
ReplyDeletehttp://www.anchormast.com/2009/07/30/those-other-f-words/comment-page-1/#comment-41319
Oooh, Kel, thanks for passing this on. I need to let it all sink in, sit with the koan for a while :)
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