Lightbulb Moment

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

I've realised what sort of a community I'm looking for. An AA meeting community full of loser alcoholics with contemplative tendencies. A space where the people know what pathetic tossbags they are because they're too broken and tired to pretend anymore because the evidence is in front of their eyes. No space for the circus sideshow. A place where grace permeates, as so many people comment on when they mention AA meetings. Grace seems so evident in those spaces in ways its not when Christians get together. It has to be. The people need it to be. They have nothing else to hide behind and the grace flows.

Maybe I should develop an alcohol problem so I can go to an AA meeting. Or maybe all Christians and churches should be forced to go to AA meetings. I reckon we should have CA, Christians Anonymous. There could be a detoxing centre for those of us addicted to the rat wheel. With a 90-day in-stay deprogramming intensive with optional delousing to help get rid of all the accumulated bullshit of the past 200 years and teach us how to be real, GODDAMMIT.

AA communities know what losers they are cos they're stuck out on the edge of the whole experience of looking at the demons within their own souls. Too hard hit by them to dress them up and put a nice smile over the top of them because you can't hide a booze addiction the way you can hide an addiction to being right, or to stoking your ego and calling it service to God, or to continue the tradition of everything being so bloody complicated so that you click on a church website and there's the "438 rules for joining us" that are so much less fluid than Benedict's and "our mission statement" and "our ministry people look how wonderful we are" and "please come along and worship with us and we'll bore the shit out of you but you can all meet up in the carpark afterwards and have some real chat time" and blah blah blah and I can't even keep my eyes open to keep reading because the whole thing just collapses on me as soon as I start seeing all those rules.

Spot the person who's been looking at some church websites. Heh. Why do we need any rules at all? Why could we not operate as a family instead of a multinational corporation? Would we combust?

My idea was to look at some churches with the idea of seeing if I could find a group of people (who I'm sure would all be quite lovely underneath all the systemic and structural things that do my head in and frizz my hair ends). Maybe go along to something they have on a Wednesday night or something, you know? But I got sidetracked by the gooberly claustrophobia that descended upon me. I must remember when I next go looking to not let myself get sidetracked. The website is not the people who attend, which is what I am looking for. The people. Not the guff that covers them over in beige coloured dust.

I hate 21st century Christianity. Did you guess that? What I also hate about it is that complaining about it like this is naughty naughty naughty and some people will read this as a rant and a rave by a bitter person trying to find something perfect but that's not it, folks. It's just that so much of this deal is so massively gassed up with secondary bullshit that if anyone lights a match we're done for. I don't understand it because I did not walk in these circles when I was younger and now I'm older I love Jesus and I love God and I love the Spirit and I want to just be able to hang with some people in relation to that AND I CAN'T FIND IT!!! How hard is it? Why are there not groups of Christians wanting to hang out on each others' couches? Why are none of them inviting me to hang out on their couch? My only conclusion must be that GOD IS KEEPING ME AWAY FROM EVERYBODY!!!! :)

It's me. Haha. He's keeping me here, confined on this blog, so that I do as little damage to the Christian populace as possible. So that you can just click away and I can just turn the computer off and no one comes to any harm :) Hah :)

Or alternatively, God is speaking to me but I AM A BIG THICK BRICK who, when he says, "Try this group of people" says no because I am being stiff-necked and willful and a big scaredy cat and there are 486,000 different reasons why that particular group will not be acceptable. That is a possibility, I must concur. Just a slight possibility, you understand. But probably not though. That and refusing to believe that there is anywhere out there that I am going to be able to fit into, even if it's wedged in slightly sideways. That self-defeating thought going through the Susie head is probably one more thing stopping me from seeing clearly in this matter. *Sigh* It's hard being such a clod.

PS: In a completely unrelated postscript, I saw the movie Up today. Has anyone seen it? I just fell in love with Dug. "My name is Dug. I have just met you and I love you. My master made me this collar. He is a good and smart master and he made me this collar so that I may talk ... SQUIRREL!!"


  1. What a thoroughly healthy and enjoyable rant that was, Sue! I so like the idea of Christians Anonymous - run with it. You got the vision!:)

    I've not seen Up, but I've just read the plot and watched the trailer and it sounds like a good'un.

    You're one of the most refreshingly honest people I've never met, and I pray you find what you're looking for... Or maybe you could be the catalyst for what you're looking for;)

    You go, girl!


  2. Why don't you start attending AA? You don't have to be an alcoholic or addict to attend the opening mtgs. I have visited meetings and found them to be the most real, welcoming place ever. I don't think I will ever step foot in a church again.

  3. I think Barbara(aka Layla) has a great idea. I have the profoundest respect for AA. A friend of mine founded a chapter for gays in Montreal. I am sure he saved many lives. Unfortunately, it was all too late for him. He died sober, however.

  4. Yah Sue - You're welcome to come hang with us alkies anytime just like Barbara(akaLayla) said, at open meetings. We're easy to find; very close to the front of the phone book.
    BTW, CA is already taken by those damned Cocaine Addicts.
    BTW2 - the losers are those who don't find our rooms in time.
    Thanks for the loverly rant and ramble. I too hope you find what you're looking for.

    “We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.” Stephen Covey

  5. entering the whirlwind of your thought processes is always a fun journey :-)

    i agree with mystic brit
    you are refreshingly honest

    i know you're looking for couches closer to home for regular hangout sessions, but there's one on this island that has a 'susie spot' saved

    on the postscript, we saw Up while travelling last week, and there were some very funny bits - "Squirrel!" being one, and "Point!" being another... but my pick was the "cone of shame"


  6. MysticBrit - oh, THANK you, you sweetheart! I wrote this post and was wondering if people would be thinking, "Oh, STOP YER BLOODY WHINGEING" so it was nice that you enjoyed it, haha!!!

    Please do not say such scary terrifying things as "maybe you could be the catalyst for what you're looking for"! That will send me scurrying under the couch ;)

    Barbara - you know what? I might go along to attend an opening meeting. I didn't know there was such a thing. I think your not stepping foot in a church again is probably a good move, hehe :)

    Barbara - how sad for your friend that he died. But sober, wunderbar. It is amazing how many people have a profound respect for AA. There seems to be something quite special about it.

    Norm - oh, wish I could come to your meeting! That'd be cool! And OH! Those bloody cocaine addicts stealing my anagram. Damn them. BTW, I was using the word "losers" not in the sense of how I see them but as how the world sees them. Or more rightly, how the shiny Christian world does, know what I mean :)

    Kel - people keep telling me my thoughts are a whirlwind. Makes me wnder if there is a calmer way to think, haha :)Thank you for the couch offer; I am surely going to take it up one of these days when I have some spare cash to rub together :) Oh, and yeah, that part of Up was so funny! "I am wearing the Cone of Shame. I do not like the Cone of Shame." I loved the bit too where the house had taken off after escaping that mad explorer dude, and Fred is sitting on his chair and there is a knock at the door and it's Dug, and he says, "I was hiding under the house because I was a bad dog." And then rushes inside and licks him when Fred is happy to see him. LOL. I just LOVED that dog :)

  7. Sorry I scared you, Sue. You can come out now - the nasty man's gone away;)

    I meant what I said though - but in your own time, your own way, with no fear. It could happen.

    Namaste, pal:)

  8. Oh oh...Im glad you DID see UP. I was a naughty girl who had her mobile on flat again!. I really enjoyed UP! and like you, Dug was a favourite for me and the boys. Alex keeps repeating the "squirrel" bit ;)

  9. Oh, of course I know what and how you meant it. :) All in context.

    7:30 p.m. Monday evenings - Grace Group. Corner of Thornton & Adelaide. Be there or be square.

  10. Harry - thank you! You know, encouragement goes such a long way. Thanks for the encouragement! :)

    CB - ahh, you saw it with the boys? Yay. I love Dug, I love him i love him I WUVS HIM!!! :0)

    Norm - damn, looks like I'm gonna have to be square :( Luckily it's hip to be, or at least that's what Huey said in the 80s. I would love to come join you! Pretty expensive AA meeting, hehe :)


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