Okay, so it so feels like a new sort of chapter in my life. Of course it's Spring, and it feels like that every Spring to me, after coming out of Winter and its doldrums. But this time I feel like something even bigger has ended somehow, something that has gone on for 10 years, all this deconstruction and wilderness walking in solitary places. I feel, really feel, like I want to get out amongst it a bit and be involved and so I'm taking steps towards that and going where I'm drawn and hopefully where I feel like God is whispering.
One of the things that is scary about that (on a list of about 1400) is the whole busyness thing, the feeling that for you to be committed to something means ignoring your own needs, you know? I am, after all, requiring decent doses of solitude - not like before, but still, a decent dollop. It's just that now my grief isn't seeping out my sides I feel like I can start being amongst other people and be myself again. How good that feels. New Spring growth.
Someone at work said to me yesterday, "You're such a bubbly personality. I see you bouncing around the place and it just exudes from you." Which was a lovely thing to hear. But I feel like I sweep such a big range, you know? I told her that I also am inclined to melancholy and she was surprised. Hell, I'm surprised. How do you be a bubbly melancholy solitudinal extrovert? It doesn't make sense.
But I am. I guess I am just hoping that knowing myself and my boundaries and all these other things I have learnt out in this space (I love the desert, I cannot ever leave it fully) will hold me in stead when I am in amongst the mix. Because peer group pressure never really goes away, does it?
Happy Saturday bloggers. It is a beautiful one out there. I have just been to the chiropractor and walked for 40 minutes first thing in my morning and I feel wonderful. Happy weekend to you.
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And a bonzer weekend to you, Sue!
ReplyDeleteApart from the bubbly bit - although I can fizz when it takes me that way - I see a lot of me in what you write here.
I used to describe myself as an Anglican Charismatic Mystic, but now I'm just beyond words;)
I like quiet, and I like people, and when I get the balance right my life Just Works.
Namaste, and throw another prawn on the barbie for me...
Harry
I do like it when you write like this, Sue, full of grace and peace and the good bits between thoughts where the heart's kittens live!
ReplyDeleteHappy Spring Saturday to you, too... I'm just off to our Francistide Area Day at Hilfield Friary in a few minutes, so, damp chilly autumn though it is, my heart's singing too!
i was pondering how to respond and in reading the comments i found my own words from mike f - "i do like it when you write like this, sue, full of grace..." and from mysticbrit - "i see a lot of me in what you write here." but this is the crowning piece that says it all:
ReplyDelete"I like quiet, and I like people, and when I get the balance right my life Just Works." that, i believe, is the grace of god - the balance where we can be ourselves and "life Just Works."
a happy saturday to you, friend. it is definitely feeling like fall in the pacific northwest!
Alas it is cold and the leaves are falling. However I am happy to share the summer with you!
ReplyDeleteI think the pendulum you swing is not contradictory, maybe it is just that a melancholy person has gotten such a handle on that about themselves and doesn't let it control them any longer.