Dreams in the Midst

Saturday 4 December 2010

I turned 40 on Wednesday.  I shared it with the people that I love the most, eating :)  That was lovely.  But I came into my birthday on the back of some physical cleansing I've been doing recently.  A good thing, and necessary for me to regain better health.  But in hindsight, a very unwise thing, to continue on with detoxes when your body is clearly telling you it needs a break, that you are taxing your own system too much.  That your ideas about what you want to get done here do not always fit in with the reality of how slow you must go.

Seems I don't get to have as much wisdom as I would like now at 40 :)  Perhaps the next decade, or perhaps the one after, I will get as much wisdom as I would like ;)  Because really, when it comes to almost everything, the slower the better.  Less is more.  This is why I plan, this Summer, to once again try to immerse myself in the world of test cricket.  Because what could be more delightful than a slow, meandering river of a sport, that allows you to read in the middle of it, to daydream?  Gotta love that.

The detoxes were why I found myself in a cloud of suicidal depression that night, with every inner demon screaming.  Feeling toxic.  A feeling I find hard to describe and which I have felt before when I had CFS and was on a big regimen of antibiotics.  Like a veil, that comes over your eyes, so your perceptions are warped (even more than usual ;)  A fog of confusion, of headaches, of brain fog, of toxicity.  A fog of ammonia, as the things you are cleansing themselves of die off and leave their poison in your bloodstream on their way through.  Cloudy ammonia, indeed.

That night, after distress, a dream:  a disembodied voice dream.  It's said that these types of dreams often occur in times of distress, coming directly from your soul to get your attention.  It said:  "Love comes from God.  You have to let God's love flow through you.  It doesn't originate from you, no matter how much your enormous ego wants it to."

My enormous ego doesn't like that much but the rest of me LOVES it.  Loves the thought, loves the idea, loves that river of flow.  There's a whole lot I don't feel sure about these days when it comes to matters of faith, of whether Jesus even existed at all historically, though I still love him as I used to.  But what hasn't changed though is the feeling and the sense, even if sometimes flimsy, that God is there weaved and wefted through everything, like a breath.  In the midst of it all, the good, the bad, the ugly.  Gotta love that, too.


  1. You're coming into a very beautiful place, Sue. And isn't the cricket a good ol' scrap? But then you're daydreaming, and probably don't notice much;)

  2. I am sooo sorry you did not feel good on your birthday. I know there is something that is so not right in that. But then, I know for me just the occurrence of a birthday makes me have those warped perceptions. I hate it.

    I love love, and I wish there was more of it and crave it like I'll never get enough or have enough to give away.

    I think maybe that IS God...the flimsy breath of love that is woven through all life. I am awed that it is that way, because it is so perfect.

  3. there are many things i used to be 'sure' of that i no longer am

    but one thing you can be sure of, dear Sue, is that you are indeed loved

  4. Ah, ego. I'm a few years ahead of you and sadly can attest that ego is still here. But being aware of ego is something very positive because it allows you this knowledge of love flowing through you, which you describe so beautifully.

    And I echo Kel.

  5. MysticBrit: Thanks, Harry. I'll take your word for it when I can't take my own on the beautiful place I'm coming into. It's all a bit disorientating, I must say.

    The cricket - I'm really gonna try and concentrate at least half the time. I'll get back to you at the end of the Summer. Seems you guys have it over us this time round ... or do you?? :D Anthony and I are going to go to day 3 or 4 of the Boxing Day test. Could shape up to be a good one. I might take two books, and a notepad :)

    Erin - I hate those warped perceptions too. I really do. I get so warped that when I see all those lovely well-wishes on Facebook - all those lovely people wishing me nice things - I get stressed because there is no way anyone could have such a fantastic, amazing, brilliant, wonderful, delightful day even at the best of times. But I get irritated when I take those well-wishes and not leave them at the level they're intended but get stressed by them. What the hell is that?

    I LOVE what you say here about love. It is perfect. That thought just ... oh, man, it grabs me round the heart. It feels ... true to me, that this is love, that God is this love. It's ... oh, perfect :P

    I think of St Francis, who used to get around wailing, "Love is not loved! Love is not loved!" I agree ... but I think more of us are appreciating it these days. It's all very simple, really, and very beautiful.

    Kel - thank you, my dear. I feel it, too. A fair bit of the time, anyway. It's like a bones-knowing, this love that is. It's awesome, amazing, brilliant in what we have to leave behind to sit in it (everything, and who needs anything when they're in it?)

    Tess - oh, damn! So your ego hasn't left you either, a few years on? Sigh. Seems that there's nothing but to just work with it, then :) It is a wonderful thing to be aware of. I feel like things are a little spiritually darker for me in the last year or so and yet, despite everything, despite my change in perception, that doesn't change, that feeling of love flowing through. Isn't it beautiful?

  6. My 40th is many years behind me and I recall it was a painful event for me. My 50th I took more philosophically and my 60th I took with some humility and resignation. Do know that the decade ahead is a rich one, tingling with excitement and fulfillment. Nothing compares to it.

    As for love, as Julian might say, we exist because of love and we are held in existence by love. It really is that simple. The older you get the more simple things seem.

    And I echo Kel and Tess in saying you are loved by many with skin on as well.

  7. Barbara - ooh, that sounds like a good progression, going from painful to philosophical to resignation :) Getting older is so difficult, is it not? Especially in a culture that abjectly denies it. Thank you for your blessing over this next decade. I love what has been gleaned so far, look forward to growing into a crone (in the good wise version of that word, rather than the puny meaning it gets given these days).

    I love Julian. She had the most beautiful vision, and yeah, it was really simple. Like damn near everythign seems to be - simple, and not anything like easy! :)


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