Going in and going out

Friday 29 June 2012

I'm so tired of talking about myself on this blog!!  It feels so stale and boring here.  Post after post about my own internal machinations, leading you to conclude that I'm possibly the most self-absorbed person you've ever (not) met.  But like Gilbert's mother, I wasn't always like this.

It's not even anything like how I want it to be.

But when I haven't been doing a whole lot out in the world recently, there's not a whole lot to write about.  And so I fall back instead on writing about my internal world - which in some respects is way more interesting and fun and awesome to me than what's happening out there.  It just doesn't make as interesting material, especially if you've read it all before.  And really, to be honest, what is not rehashing after five years of blogging?

Still, writing frustrations aside, the internal world and the external world are totally interlinked.  Whatever is going on in here tends to get projected out there. The world can appear so different on different days that it's amazing to consider that it's the same place.  And the interlinking of that rich internal world with the outer world I guess is why I feel like I can be alone and yet communing with the whole world at the same time.  It's pretty special.

The problem with being so much on the inside is that going back out into the real world is a shock to the system.  Man, it's loud out there.  And it's a bit scary.  I go through this recalibration over and over again.  Go in, go out.  Go in, go out.  When the wave is receding and its time to hit the sand again, going back into the topside world I feel more vulnerable than when I was there last time.  Going back out in to the world gets a bit daunting again.  I never thought I'd ever say that.

I'm going to the football this evening, which means a train trip from one end of the line to the other.  I miss catching trains and observing people.  Which is why I'm looking forward to taking a pad of paper with me and observing and scribbling my way through the train ride.  Of course, the fact that I am consciously intending to do this will probably mean that nothing of any note will happen ;)

I'm maybe catching up with some friends on Saturday night.  Which will be lovely.  But I feel nervous about it.  See, this is the negative side-effect of so much time alone - when I go out and meet up with others, even friends, beforehand I feel small and thin-skinned and like the me that I experience in my communal solitude and which is comforting is nowhere to be found, and the Susie that interacts with others is claggy-mouthed and clotted and that other people can never really see me.  Which is true, in a way.  But then the anxiety about that is just a passing thought or a feeling, I guess.  I don't need to heed it in any way other than acknowledging its presence.  It just feels strange that it's there at all.


  1. I thought the point of a blog was to have a space to write about ourselves?

  2. It is.  But it would be nice if I could have a little more inspiration and variety. 

    I think I'm just feeling cabin-fevered.  Very glad to be getting out.  Have a good weekend, Kim.

  3. All I can say here is that I totally get what you're saying, Sue. I spent the greater part of my life so isolated and inward-looking, and was always very quirky and awkward relating to anyone. I can still be quirky and awkward;), but I see that 'isolated' is only a thought, and there's no 'in' and 'out', but just a common reality. Life works when I'm in tune with that reality; in fact, I AM Life, working out, uniquely, wonderfully. I can never come to any harm, indeed, the very idea of 'harm' is meaningless on the days when that realisation arises in the space where its always been..

  4. I have had a week where I've been in tune with that reality, that space where it all just is and you're not trying to change anything ... and then I slid out again.  It's a strange place to be in when you know the other reality is there, but you just can't feel it.  And then of course when you're not in that space, you're trying to get there ... when there is nowhere to get to!

  5. Oh yes, Sue. But then it's all 'that', really, and the 'I' that 'can't feel it' is 'that' pretending to be the separate self, the 'mind self'... so that it can more fully know itself by contrast with this illusory 'I', which it has dreamed up for that very purpose. Or something like that, whatever. Lock me up now, doctor:)

  6. Well, I for one always like to hear what's going on with Susie. But I do get what you say about isolation and inwardness and then discomfort with being social. It happens to me all the time. There is a lot to be said for being in tune with the inside...far two few people really are. I think it would make the world a better place if we would all slow down and think once in awhile, instead of speaking right out all the rubbish that comes right to our brains and acting on all our impulses without a thought for the consequences. 

    There, that's my speech. LOL. I hope you have enjoyed your outings. :)

  7. hope you had a weekend with enough external interactivity to make you feel happy

  8. Hi Sue, I always enjoy your comments on Tess's site.  I don't read enough of your blog..  Your perspective here is delightful.  I don't even have a Facebook page or a Twitter.  The inner life is my path most of the time too and it is absolutely "more interesting and fun and awesome to me than what's happening out there."   "Out there" is basically doing the household chores, food shopping, going to the cleaners, post office, bank, etc. Of course I'd rather walk in the country,  but I live in a city on a river that allows for endless walking enjoying the places and a hundred passers-by, etc.  I am too shy to do a blog, but I have an anonymouys webpage which I adore working on, the Internet really is a great boon for introverts, it makes the bridge to the outer world wildly inventive and creative, without ever actually appearing out there.  Hooray!!

  9.  I totally agree - being inward is a little sorely neglected when it comes to societal interaction.  Still, it's nice to have some balance too :)  I did enjoyed my outings, very much

  10. Hi, Sarah.  I'm so glad you linked to your webpage, it looks fascinating and plumbworthy.

    Haha, I love what you say about the internet being a wildly inventive and creative bridge to the outer world without appearing out there - that's a very cool way to put it. 

    In the past years I have really embraced my inner introvert.  For years I considered myself as an extrovert but as I've got older I feel much more like an introvert.  That bridge you talk about?  I feel like I'm a troll who lives under it but who still feels guilty about wanting to live under it.  So comments like yours from true introverts make me feel encouraged that it's okay to be who I am :)


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