Pyroluria Blues

Friday, 8 February 2013

Sick of seeing career opportunities pass me by and not being the one to be chosen.  Sick of not having the time to write because I'm using up my energy doing work I don't like.  Even worse ... sick of not having enough work that I don't like to pay the bills.

Sick of feeling like I am vastly, vastly underemployed but that people can't see my worth.  Sick of part of the reason for that being these health issues that have plagued me for decades.  Sick of feeling like very few people really see me and even fewer understand what a struggle it is and how hard I am trying. 

I am sick of not being seen.

Sick to fucking death of living in a world where if you don't market yourself to the max you have no value.  Sick of living in a species that doesn't seem to give a fuck enough about finding ways to do this thing better that we will push against the goads of the invisible ones who profit from our slavery if necessary to effect change.  We are slaves with learned helplessness tendencies.

This competitive, carrot-on-a-stick society has no place for anybody except for those at the top.  Have we really taken on their ways so much that we have become so heartless ourselves that we don't really care about anything any more unless it affects us directly?  Do we not know that what affects others will ultimately come to affect us ourselves?

Sick of having vision, of seeing what so many don't seem to be able to see. Sick of seeing how unnecessary the fight to survive is in this society, this stupid, stupid, insipid capitalistic dance, and having to dance the fucker anyway.

Okay, that's all.  I feel better now.

I struggle to say all of this because it is complaining and it is not being positive and who wants to hear it anyway?  Well, you know what, inner voices of fear that I am voicing my discontent?  This is my blog.  And if people don't want to read this, then they won't.  So shut up.

There, that's better.


  1. Replies
    1. Thanks, Jessica. Funny, when I got your comment and I clicked on the post to remind myself of what I'd said, I felt this wave of embarrassment wash over me. But then I thought, "Well, I guess you understand this space," right? So I probably don't need to feel embarrassed!

      Thanks for commenting.

  2. i hear so loud and clear. this illness take everything that society deems as important. it leaves you scared, angry and embarrassed. your exoerience is axactly like mine and i hate that i feel this way but i do feel that way. i try to be positive and read all theself help books and info, i follow the pyroluria treatmet plans and try to untangle the paranoia from the real problems that harrass me daily. it does get you down my friend. with mental fog so thick and failures and unmet e oectations all around me i wonder often how to move forward even one step as i watch everyone else just glide by with energy and passion for life. meeting goal after goal while iwade through mountains of debt, comptete for bullshit cleaning jobs (despite holding a bachelor degree) and try to justify that failure and misery are all just part of the illness and that i somehow shouldnt blame myself. yeah right. its tough on a good day and utter hell on a bad day. its a life of chronic invisible chains that hold me back and beat my self esteem mercilessly. how does one get through this i wonder.....? still reading your post gave me a sense of unity with your frustration. i hope you find some relief and get well, as do I. :-)

    1. Thanks for your comments today. I am having one of the bad days ... it's so lonely. So thanks for sharing, it made me feel a little less lonely.


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