I Don't Want to Want You to Like Me

Sunday, 5 May 2013

I had a dream the other night.  It was a pastiche of (mostly) male figures telling me no, or in some way or the other to shut up.  I have that person living inside of me.  I am smoking him out piece by piece.  In one part of the dream, I stood bare-breasted before someone I'd known as a teenager and didn't even realise while I was speaking that I was exposed, naked and vulnerable.

Women still hold themselves back in ways that men do not.  I don't want to want you to like me.  I want to devolve myself of that mass entity I've taken on through my childhood and through the culture that makes me worry about what you think of me.  I want to be me and to remember that what you think of me is none of my business.  I want to be me so that if you don't like me or who I am, then you can pretty much lump it, go away, learn to like it, learn to bear with it, or just plain fuck off.

I don't want to want you to like me.   I want you to either like me or not like me, and if you do that's great, and if you don't that's great too.  Because you are fickle with tastes that may or may not include me.  And I'm me.  Not to everybody's taste.  But being me is what I am trying to be, and I suspect it will take my entire life to learn to do it right.  There were some pretty big setbacks from the start.

But it's my birthright.



  1. Very worthwhile endeavour, Sue, and I know you'll get there:)

    1. Thank you my dear. I hope so. It helps writing about it (even though part of me feels like a bit of a loser writing about it. What is that all about, really? Because being real is cool. And writing about things that hurt is a sort of a redemption. Even if there is nothing outwardly changed (or even inwardly in the story I'm telling myself) writing about it changes it somehow. It's a bit alchemical :)

      Thanks for your lovely and encouraging comments. I really appreciate them. Life is a little difficult and I have been doing so much underground and undercover work and I would like to see some flowering above ground :)

    2. Keep up that inner alchemy, Sue. It's conjuring up beautiful words which raise the vibe. I went through similar emotional, spiritual stuff a few years back, and I know the writing I did then helped both me and those who read it.

      Discombobulators of the world unite! We ease the world's pain :)


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