The Pain, The Love, the Desire

Monday 14 September 2015

I went visiting a few of the blogs I regularly read today.  There are so many people struggling with so many different painful things.

Sometimes life just feels like a constant battle to stay above the waterline.

My heart goes out to everyone who is struggling. Including myself.

Ouch. I have lost myself again.
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found.
Yeah, I think that I might break.
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.
Be my friend.
Hold me.
Wrap me up.
Unfold me.
I am small, I'm needy.
Warm me up and breathe me.

I wish I could ease other people's pain. I can sure feel it. I wish by feeling it I could transmute it. Then I would sit on the couch all day, turning people's pain into gold like Rumpelstiltskin.

Some people do believe that we can take others' pain and help to heal it. I believe that too, in the times when I am feeling more grounded and hopeful.  Not today, but maybe tomorrow.  That's how connected we are.


  1. Six Feet Under was one of the best shows on TV. Ever.
    Your words here, Sue, and that video clip, brought tears to my eyes.
    You're such a good soul.
    I wish there was a way to alleviate your pain.
    I wish there was a way to alleviate my own.
    It is so hard when we cross paths with others and see what they are going through. Networks of friends and relationships, bound by love, laughter, kinship and pain.
    Our hearts wrench and we seek a way to help - even in some small, meaningful way.
    But, I feel we all have a very individual path to tread - unique only to ourselves, and we must experience what we have to for reasons unseen and unknown. To find some kind of strength from the pain, which no other can help us do.
    Perhaps some resolution from deep inner work.
    Hopefully one day, the reasons we must endure will become apparent.
    Then, our questions will perhaps be answered and our quests are over.
    And some kind of peace is granted.

    1. Aww, sorry to make you cry, Vicki. Watching that finale back again, I just had tears pouring down my face. It made me want to watch it AGAIN (already seen the whole thing three times).

      I agree - we are all on such an individual trip, and no one can deal with our pain except ourselves. Support is good though.

      I wish I didn't feel other people's emotions so strongly though. It really is such a drain to not know if what you're feeling is actually coming from you or if it's someone else's stuff. I've always had problems with that.

      It would be nice to have quests over, wouldn't it. To have peace. Some kind of resolution. I mean, happy ever after stories are a little sickly sweet in these days of endless wars, but surely we can have SOME happy ever afters!

      Ah, don't mind me. I'm feeling totally overloaded the last few days. I hate those days where you just collapse in a funky heap. They're embarrassing and they are confidence-sapping!

  2. You shouldn't feel embarrassed, Sue. Anyone with a shred of honesty would admit to collapsing into "a funky heap". Some more often than others.
    Sometimes, I wonder if there is a shovel somewhere in my own deep heap to dig myself out of. Often, it seems I have nothing other than my hands to claw my way back up.

    The world has seen so many wars. Humans seem hell bent on destruction of one kind or another.
    I wish I knew how to shield from the world's pain and suffering, and still be empathetic and able to make a difference. It's difficult, I agree.
    There are stories from the world wars, where individuals lost their homes, family, friends... everything, and yet some found strength and a small glowing ember of hope within them to enable them to survive and get through.
    The (mental and physical) pain of memories never leave, but I believe we humans are capable of amazing inner strength in the face of adversity.
    Being put to the test is frightening and not something we'd choose.
    But, some have no choice. We can hide and wither or survive and thrive - in a fashion.
    I've known both types of people and evidenced the choices they made, even with support. It was up to them.

    I sometimes wonder if "the meaning of life" is how we deal with what we've been dealt.
    If we get it wrong, then perhaps we come back til we get it right.
    Who knows. This huge Universal mystery.
    Maybe it's worth it. Maybe not.

    I like that you seek and wonder and ask. It shows growth, learning, humility and inner wisdom.
    Even though you might not agree...

    1. I like your idea of the meaning of life. I think I feel that it's something along those lines as well.

      It does feel embarrassing falling into a funk, though, I must admit. Partly out of a reaction to the whole "be tough" thing. I'm just not. I'm not one of those people. I get affected by everything. If only I can find my own space in the world with which to make a comfortable living, I would be fine with that.

      I guess I feel embarrassed because I feel awfully exposed. I mean, I've wanted to catch up with you since we last saw each other, for example, but I've been so paranoid and unconfident and all of those awful things that I've been thinking you probably wouldn't want to see me anyway. I think it's that which is embarrassing - how we can fall into such depths of self-hatred. I don't wanna be that sort of person!!!

      Thank you for that last paragraph. I do think searching and seeking and wondering are great things. Maybe even some of the greatest things :)

    2. You shouldn't torture yourself for not being "tough".
      We've been taught to "get a grip" and put ourselves second, and think/worry/feel for others first.
      Which I feel is total BS. If we are seen as taking responsibility/caring for our own selves before we can help/heal others, we're considered selfish.

      I hate that society seems to have little to no sympathy for we, who suffer emotional trauma and the inevitable self doubt/hate which often goes with it.
      If pain isn't associated with visible injury or illness like cancer, then it is seen as lesser somehow. I can't help feeling that harks way back to when males began to dominate the medical field and took it upon themselves to oust women - who were the first healers - and put them in very secondary places. Not bothering to understand the female condition, regarding us as "the weaker sex", unnecessarily surgically removing reproductive organs and calling us "hysterical" - all too easily throwing us into institutions should we be seen to not "cope" with the world and the utter lack of support from the male doctors and even their own husbands - who would side with the doctor's diagnosis.
      *Goodness, I do seem to have a bone to pick there, don't I? :)

      If only there were "safe", genuine and affordable communities out there, allowed to nurture their people who had conditions of all sorts, and help them help themselves through what ailed them.
      Instead, society has been bred to shun such ideas and places.
      Community is shrinking.
      So, we go it alone. And must pull from our inner, ancient genetic knowledge. Bloody hard work it is. And a lonely path too.

      Don't ever think that I don't want to catch up with you again. Time constraints and me feeling shite since earlier this year has put things on the back burner.
      And, I'm a bit of a lone wolf, especially when I'm not well or time challenged in regards to my art.
      We can meet up again, when it's right for us both.
      With end of year markets approaching, time is precious, but I'm sure a coffee break is always beneficial.
      So, we should keep it in mind :)

  3. yeah, the history of medicine is so lopsided, isn't it. And the focus on left brain logic so that all of the more 'feminine' stuff got sidelined, and not even seen after a while.

    I'm doing an online six-week course soon called Medicine and the Arts: Humanisimg Healthcare, which explores some of this stuff and how it is that people have been sidelined in the quest to fix their health.

    I think there is a slow, slow change coming.

    I'm a lone wolf as well so it's good to know we won't be hassling each other to catch up a fortnight later. It was so enjoyable seeing you last time :-) When you're feeling better ...

    1. That course sounds interesting. Would love to hear more about it :)

  4. Thanks for sharing the video - I hadn't considered watching the show (it is HBO, and we didn't get that).

    I'll see if it's available elsewhere - Netflix, Amazon, Hulu... Michael C. Hall was someone I adored in Dexter. He was so darn perfect for that role.

  5. Here's the link to the course, Vicki. Starts next week

  6. Alicia - hope I haven't ruined it by posting the very last episode! The role Michael plays in this vs Dexter are quite different :-)

  7. The course looks good. Sounds like something I'd love to study, but with the end of year art commitments approaching.....
    Would love to know your thoughts about it on your blog during/after the course.
    Enjoy :)

  8. Sue, this is a beautiful and heartfelt post. We do struggle with the weight of our own pain and that of others. I know my monastic friends sometimes stagger under the volume of prayer requests for all kinds of reasons. But perhaps keeping our hearts open and soft is the gold.

  9. Tess - yes! And of course having the awareness of the flow of that closing occurring so we can understand what it's trying to tell us, and to look after ourselves and protect ourselves. Yes, I think that's what I'm trying to get at - an open heart requires protection. The two are not incompatible. They are the two sides of the same coin. Not rocket science but some of us take a looooooong time to learn this :-)


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