Weapons of war, symptoms of madness.

Wednesday 13 February 2008

I've been thinking a bit this afternoon, while trying wildly to fight off the onset of this flu thing, about the human propensity to violence and how anything can be used as a weapon. It's something that's been on my mind over the past several months as I had cause to battle the childish waves of jealousy and rivalry. Two quite disgusting habits of the human flesh. Two that I would give just about anything to be rid of.

So there's the more obvious weapons: our fists, guns, the closest chair, sex, words. I've removed two blog posts this week because upon reflection I didn't like the timbre of the words (or photos, as the case may be :) I was using and my intuitive-ometer was buzzing, suggesting that I have offended. And so I deleted them. Not without a fight, I might say :) I don't like feeling like I have to limit myself on my own blog, but then again, I don't think a blog post is worth more than the feelings of other people. It's not going to cause me to lose track of myself if I delete a blog post. Once upon a time, I would have felt that way. These days, it's a little bit easier, somehow. It still rankles, though :)

So yes, weapons of violence. Those are the more obvious ones we use. Then there's the less obvious ones. Silence. That's a big weapon. It was practiced against me as a child by my father for years and I can say that silence most certainly can be a very violent weapon. It just doesn't show marks on the skin. Withdrawal. There's another effective weapon. I enjoy using both of those weapons myself and they are the ones that cause me the most pain when used against me. Sins of the fathers and all that stuff. Oooh, that hurts to write that. Yessir it does. But there's nothing quite so negatively enjoyable as removing yourself from someone or a conversation to punish them and yourself or to gain the upper hand. Don't that feel good? It feels destructive but it feels so damn good! My ex often accused me of doing that. Turn the world to blank and the game is done. A bad trick. Terribly unfair.

Playing people off against each other, demonising people as the "bad guy", categorising each other, saying underhanded things to inspire jealousy in others, rivalry, bell curve marking, passive aggression. They can all be used as weapons of violence as well. They just seem like things that aren't such a big deal to us, 'cause we've grown up with them and they're subtle.

We learn them so early, don't we? We all carry a big arsenal of weapons to use against each other. Most of the time I would say we are unwitting users of them. I don't think everyone is walking around trying to harm as many people as they can just because. More often than not it's the unintentional violence we cause, that comes from our wounds or our carelessness. Ouch. It's hard knowing you're the instigator of violence, isn't it? But we all are.

It's easier being the victim, after all, in some ways. If we are wronged, we can rail and cry and bemoan and hide and throw tantrums and feel validated doing so. I've done all of those things this afternoon :) They feel good. But they are so pointless, really. I am so tired of having pity parties. Mine was like a wild lashing storm. It blew in out of nowhere and then blew over in an hour. In the middle of it, I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was about four years old. At one point, I even sat and looked at myself in the mirror while I was crying, the way I used to when I was a kid. I resisted eating my own snot though, this time. My palate has grown up, at least :)

I don't like all of this do unto others, love others as yourself, swords into plowshares stuff that God is shoving in my face lately. Nosiree, I don't like it at all :) Makes me feel like a snail without it's shell.


  1. It's costly isn't it Sue?

    But without God walking us as individuals through this stuff there is no freedom and without the individual freedom there is no relational/collective freedom.

    Thanks for the reminder.

  2. Sorry you don't feel well :(
    You will get your health back on track, but it gets harder doesn't i? I'm the same age as you, 37, birthday in September, and I'm finding it takes more work to be healthy and feel good.

    I'm with you and ditto what Kent said.

  3. Sue, I love how your posts reflect the human condition. You are so honest it hurts to read them sometimes. It's that yuck within us all, and mine doesn't want to be called out.

    Get well, friend.

  4. Kent - it is costly, but I'm still not sure that I realise just how costly it is. It's like waking up from the bad matrix dream, it takes a long time to realise what the cost is, even though you've been experiencing it every day of your life. Weird, huh?

    Jennifer - thanks, honey. After all those years of CFS, I feel SO behind the 8 ball, and yes, getting all old and gooberly is making it harder :)

    Tina - Look, to be honest, my intention is to be all light and fluffy and write funny stuff about my dog, you know? And then my evil inner twin comes along and writes annoying posts like this one. I don't WANT to write about the stupid human condition, but I feel compelled to :)

  5. "... the greatest of these is LOVE."

    You have been through some rough stuff in your past, my friend. But you are getting better - every day - believe it. You are forthright about your emotions and that's awesome. This is part of the healing process. Papa doesn't want you to suffer. Keep moving through it and one day you will be well beyond it. And PRAY. Keep the faith. I have had to do this about some stuff from my past, and though it felt like agony to keep walking with it all around me, I did so. Now I look back over my shoulder at it. It's part of my story, but it doesn't rule who I am any longer.

    Wish we could take a long walk and stop at a coffee shop together. Hugs.

  6. Dream - that would just be really cool, taking that long walk. Then you could give me a drawing lesson :)


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