Tuesday 11 March 2008

Mocca is taking his girlfriend to Fiji for Easter. He felt really bad telling me, because we didn't go overseas when we were together. We didn't go anywhere much, really. But I got sick six months after we were married, so what can you do? It was a different time and a different place, anyway ... and a totally different man! Sheesh, some people, you break up with them and they bloom. It's enough to make a girl's ego split all over the floor :)

Just kidding, Mocca. Off you go; have fun. Even though you're gonna miss Round 1 of the football which is a goddamn disgrace. The you of 10 years ago would be totally, completely and utterly horrified ;)

I am feeling wistful right now, not because I'm jealous that Mocca and his squeeze are going to Fiji. Well, okay then, maybe I am a little bit. I think it's a combination too of seeing Lucy's jaunt in Paris this last week, also. Suddenly, tonight, I am feeling a little melancholy because I think I am fighting off the cold Jenny at work was snivelling into her tissue over today, and also because I never thought that I would get to 37 and have still never stepped foot outside of the country (nor be one-day-divorced, like a big dumb loser). Not once, ever. I had the opportunity this time last year but I was barely in a fit state to put one foot in front of the other without feeling terrified, let alone leave the country to travel.

Sigh. What if I never do? What if my life is just boring forever and ever, and then I die - the end? I think it's time to go to bed and read. Or go jump out of a plane. Or somethin'.

Sometimes, life is too painful. Even though it's so good and wonderful lately, it's still painful. Light and dark. Even though life is wonderful, I still cry at least once a day.

I know what it is. I don't need to go jump out of a plane (even though fun it would be). I need to park my arse in that playroom with the clean floor, light some candles, and do some writing. I haven't been doing much creatively the last few days, no meditating. And it shows. As soon as I start looking for something to amuse me outside of my own mind and heart and creativity, I know I'm not centred. The universe is contained in a pen, in a candle flame, and in my heart, as well as a grain of sand. But sometimes I don't wanna die to myself to walk back into it, even though it's as close as my own heartbeat. Sometimes I want it home delivered, and cost me nothing.

I just noticed it's 11 past 11 again. What does it mean?


  1. Sometimes you say things that help me understand me.

    "As soon as I start looking for something to amuse me outside of my own mind and heart and creativity, I know I'm not centred. "

    Thanks. I've been thinking I need to go on retreat...don't know when that will happen...hopefully soon.

  2. Definitely need to do some writing... there's a kind of restlessness that gets me when I need to do something like, be it words or music, that is quite different from geographical restlessness, even though it sometimes feels like that.

    "...want it home delivered"! That sounds like me, wanting maps to the spirit! Oh, Sue, it's a weird life, ain't it?



  3. "Even though life is wonderful, I still cry at least once a day." me, too.

    we connect on so many levels...

    much love to you! xoxoxoxo

  4. Erin - Thank you. I hope you get on retreat really soon.

    Mike - It's the weirdest. Wonderful and horrible, all in one. But oh, the hope, right? The hope the hope the hope.

    Lucy - We do connect on so many levels. Love and hugs back across the ether

  5. I'll join the club of crying once a day. Hey! If that were an acronym, COCOAD. ;) Anyone for some fair trade cocoa while we cry? ;)

    11 past 11 means you are The One...whatever that means. I guess you should change you name to Neo. :)

  6. COCOAD - sounds like it should have a fundraising concert behind it, like Live Aid.

    I am the One. You are the first to really acknowledge it and recognise my divinity. You can sit at my right hand in my new kingdom

  7. Feel like crying too. Enjoy your break.

  8. I'll join the crying at least once a day club! I think it was twice yesterday, and I even managed to cry in my sleep last my husband tells me.
    Suze, I still hold onto a dream that you and I will go somewhere together one day, Italy? that'd be nice.

  9. Gee, there's a few of us in the crying at least once a day club! Goodness. Shame we're spotted all over the globe or else we could have a meeting and all cry together (except shame I do my crying alone behind closed doors).

    Maybe we could schedule an online meeting :)

    Andi - I hold onto that dream too. Italy - I'll be certainly up for that one :) I'll even lay aside my "no wheat" rule and gorge on pasta.


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