I don't quite know how to explain to myself, let alone to anybody else, what this long, drawn-out season of my life would be called, this long, long season of a decade's duration. I guess after listening to Paul Young on Canada's Drew Marshall Show I would just describe it as being in my own personal shack (scroll down to the William Paul Young interview). It really is wonderful seeing what God has done with this bloke after he was so sucked down by his shame and pain that he wanted to die. Even more wonderful is seeing someone who has no secrets now, and who walks in the still painful freedom of that.I can so relate to so much of what he says in this interview. I feel like I've been sucked down too, clinging like a husk to the sides of God so I don't blow away. It really is all about freedom being nothing left to lose. How sad that sometimes we can't fall over into freedom until there is just absolutely no choice left. I know I've already chosen freedom. I've walked along her paths somewhat. But I am not out of my own personal shack yet, unfortunately. But oh, the grace in having walked the paths. And they're not that far away.
I feel the hope that comes along with that feeling of being nothing more than a seed, a renewed hope and focus on God, even though the world is reeling and lurching just as much as I am. I guess we're all lurching toward God.
I'm feeling this morning again the lovely grace of God who is always present, even within my dummy spits. Those dummy spits are sure ugly, but they're sure necessary for me. And I can't help feeling like not only that God is wiling and able to put up with them, but that he is going to make something beautiful out of them.
He likes doing that, making life out of dead things.
LIFE...Growth...Discovery...is SO Messy! But it is the best kind of messy. I would rather be up to my neck in compost and reaching and stretching for the sky...becoming that which I was designed to be...than quietly, cleanly atrophying in some sterile, sanitized morgue of status quo.
ReplyDeleteYour life screams soul journey! You are too creative to do it without drama. That's not a characteristic to be mourned or apologized for. It is the voice of the artist that provokes all of us to breath deeper, to see farther, to experience more fully. Embrace it. Slog through it. And keep writing about it.
My life screams insane psycho woman but thank you, Shelia, for your grace-filled response :)
ReplyDeleteIt is the best kind of messy, you're right. But oh, it's the worst kind of pain.
I just love this. I am too tired and stuffy-headed and stuffy-nosed to form a coherent thought...but thanks. I love it.
ReplyDeleteinsane psycho woman
ReplyDeletecreative soul journeyer
the difference
one is the external judgement, the other is the internal knowing
ps: i like what shelia said, and am upset i can'te get into her blog :(
Erin - thank you. May your cold shrivel up in its tracks, like, now.
ReplyDeleteKel - that's a good way to put it. Ain't it a very big difference between external judgment and internal knowing :)