Monday 23 June 2008

This is Lester, partaking of a piece of Keanu action. Most people when they come over to my house commandeer Keanu. My brother and my cousin have both slept on him for an evening's kip. I have slept on him quite often myself.

Keanu was born in a factory somewhere unknown. His first abode was at a house in Murrumbeena. The man loved Keanu and often lay on him to watch the television (he just didn't know his name was Keanu, nor that he had a penis. But he does. It's tucked away under the stitching).

One day the wife said, "Sell the couch." I think they bought another couch. Which is fine by me, because I ended up buying Keanu, valued at 3 grand, for 300 bucks off EBay. The best purchase I have yet made from there.

So why is my couch called Keanu? Well, I don't rightly know. Why is my car called Olive, or my laptop called Samantha? Some things just are.

Things Couch Keanu and Real Keanu Don't Have in Common
  • My couch is made of microsuede. Keanu is made of natural fibres. Actually, buying a microsuede couch was breaking my own rule, being a disliker of manmade stuff. But I bend the rules for Keanu. He's worth it.
  • Keanu's middle name is Charles. My couch doesn't have a middle name.
  • Real Keanu has lovely brown eyes. Couch Keanu has no eyes at all.
  • I can shove the remote down Couch Keanu's cushion crack and know where it is. If I shoved the remote down Real Keanu's crack I might not be able to find it again.
  • Couch Keanu has an accompanying chair, called Chair. Real Keanu just came single serve by himself.
  • Real Keanu has made heaps of money from his acting career. Couch Keanu only got that shitty gig in that D grade movie and then spent the rest of his acting career being the couch the swimming pool guy and the chick did their thing on in bad porn movies (it's okay, he's Scotchguarded).
Things Couch Keanu and Real Keanu Do Have in Common
  • Real Keanu has a sister called Karina. Couch Keanu has a sister called Karina, who lives in Moe with a guy called Rick.
  • Couch Keanu wipes clean with a sponge if you spill stuff on him. Real Keanu wipes clean with a sponge if you spill stuff on him too.
  • My couch has a wooden frame. Keanu sometimes has wooden acting.
  • I like to bounce up and down on my couch. I would like to bounce up and down on Keanu.


  1. Seems like before I got married, I named everything. I had cars named Pete, Ned and Happy. Maybe they got names because they were old, quirky and rather unreliable. There's not much inspiration to call my current vehicle (a white minivan) anything except, maybe, The Space Shuttle.

    I like that your couch is named Keanu. I believe that the real Keanu has experienced an awful lot of tragedy in his life. Probably your couch doesn't share this in common.

    You know, I have this big dark green cushy corduroy couch that seems to be telling me it's name is Oscar. I think I would be quite horrified if I found he had a willy though.

  2. Sue, you are freaking hilarious!!

    I don't think it ever occurred to me to name anything that doesn't breathe and have a heartbeat. How uncreative of me.

  3. Can you hear me laughing all the way over here on the left coast of the states? Because I am!

    Thank you for honoring my request to learn more about microsuede Keanu and I'm sure natural-fiber Keanu would be honored, if a little creeped out, to know about the sofa version of himself.

    I must also remind you I've met "natural-fiber Keanu", and neither is he blue, not in color, anyhow. I can't testify to his emotional state, of course.

  4. Sue, that is friggin hilarious.

  5. haha!! that's hilarious! I feel honoured to have slept on "microfibre" Keanu myself, and can attest to his very comfortable cushions! Wonder if sleeping on the real Keanu would be as comfortable, me thinks not!

  6. Thank you one, thank you all. I wrote an individual comment to you all and then accidentally lost it, and now I can't be fagged writing it all again. So thanks :)

  7. OMgosh! That is funny as crap!! If I had a choice of sleeping with Couch Keanu and Real Keanu, I know I would choose Couch Keanu everytime!! Now real Matthew McConaughey and Couch Matthew McConaughey... let's hope I don't get that offer!

    Love ya Sue!


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