Heart Visions

Tuesday 29 July 2008

Demons and the dark side sound so weird to 21st century Western ears. Do I believe there is some dark being out there called the devil? Well, the problem with that idea is that it conjures up images of some bloke in a red leather catsuit with a pitchfork and a tail. But yes, I suppose I do believe there is some sort of dark force out there.

I haven't been too much focussed on it over the past several years. As my relationship with God has grown, my ideas of the dark side of life have assumed much less importance, have become something I barely think about. There have been a few strange experiences but the whole idea of the devil as has been experienced in the past just doesn't bear relevance for me. A lot of what we claim to be the work of the devil is the work of ourselves. The less likely we are to acknowledge the dark sides of our own personalities, the more we wll manifest that out somewhere into the atmosphere, methinks.

And yet, for all of that, I can't deny that I am feeling something akin to spiritual oppression lately. I feel like there is a time coming for me of real growth, of groaning forward into life, and for the first time in ages I am thinking that maybe there is something malevolent out there which is not happy about this. I don't know what to call it. I just don't know.

I asked for people to pray here last week, and in return T and K went ahead and had a few visions. How cool is that? I have this urge to post them here. I'm not sure what my motivations are. I have been questioning whether I am just posting them because it's kinda cool having people having visions, and I'm the centre of the sideshow. Maybe - who knows? Having elements of your personality reveal themselves that have remained largely submerged for years release my hold somewhat on any idea that I always know my own motivations. Mainly I am posting it because I feel like I need to, for some indefinable reason. I am feeling a sense of dark oppression which is the worst it's been for years and I really can't get through this one by myself. Much of the content of these visions ring true for me. I feel a bit strange about posting, a bit shy, but what the hell.

I love the way they got to share this together, and I love the community feel of others entering into my healing in some way. It feels really nice and lovely, somehow. I have a renewed sense of how much we all need each other this week. Anyway, here is what they saw.

T said:

As I was praying for you I saw a root, not a root system but a deep, deep taproot and it went all the way down through your abdomen and to your reproductive area. Whether this is because of the sexual abuse or not I do not know, but these were the words I heard, betrayal, violation, poison, anger. So I started coming against it, praying against it (and Kim is good at this too), speaking death and poison to it that it would dissolve.

Then I started praying about your heart and strangely I heard the word "squeeze" and saw that you have a heart like a sponge, something I have never seen before. I believe the reason you are feeling so awful is that your heart is pumped full of poison and bad stuff because of the violations you have endured, and the taproot from that area was feeding your heart full of bad stuff, which absorbed it like a sponge. So I started praying that God would squeeze out the poison, which I saw in the spirit, but there is a problem, once it was empty (which may be future) I couldn't see it absorbing anything but air. Now this may be good or bad but my praying would not affect it which is why I am submitting it to you and you may want to ask Kim what she sees because we all see in part.

And you might want to ask he why having a heart like a sponge is a good thing, because it must be or the enemy wouldn't have attacked it. Or maybe it needs to alter from a sponge. I don't know, but there is that. I will continue to pray but I will be gone all day tomorrow so I wanted to check in, tell you how much I love you and that I am ALWAYS here if you need me. I would face hell in prayers for you and I believe K will too. But I won't breach your privacy by going to her, I just know she would feel blessed to be able to do this for you.

K said:

The root is bitterness. It is a thick and hideous thing that runs deep - so deep that it can only be broken through prayer and by the will of the one in whom it runs so deep.

The heart is a sponge that absorbs that bitterness and spreads it throughout the body, poisoning everything it touches. This is the cause of much of the malaise in the body.

I see the sponge - the heart - as dark, absorbing darkness, the darkness battling the light.

It is fed by the root.

The root must be dug up and the sponge replaced in the same way an old kitchen sponge would be replaced with a new one. No, your heart is not stone. Not even stony ground. You absorb everything...sometimes, you absorb too much. You must learn what to absorb and what to guard yourself against. I look and I see this "new" sponge, but with a shield, gleaming golden and red, as if it knows what to allow to pass unhindered and what to protect itself from.

What T sees as empty, absorbing only air, I see as purified and absorbing the Holy Spirit: "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit." At this time, the root chokes the heart. When the root is cut off, dug up and destroyed, then the heart can breathe the pure air and discard the poison.

I wish I had something more encouraging and uplifting for you, my friend. :( I will keep you in prayer. Much love and many hugs.

T said:

I saw your heart, as the sponge, alongside a seashore. The waters were washing gently over the sand and I saw the sponge in (your? I dunno) hand trying to soak up the waters, and getting sand all over it, and then the sponge would squeeze out the water and the sand would stay on and this happened over and over again. I felt as though this salt water was your tears that God had stored up, but that you kept soaking them back in but by doing so you were getting a lot of dirt on you.

Oh dang, gosh just figured it out. That is how bitterness works, instead of crying the tears and then filling with new tears and crying them out, bitterness soaks back in the old grief instead of simply experiencing a new level. Soaking back the old tears, to me, may speak of picking things back up again in unforgiveness, as we do when we want to be angry. But then you squeeze them back out (which seems like forgiveness) but you have this sand left on your heart and it happens over and over again. Whether the sand is good or not I do not know. It's something for you to explore or toss, your choice.

And i don't think the sponge is a bad thing, otherwise the enemy would not be attacking it. For some reason, having a sponge heart is important. I am clueless about why that could be.

WHOA -- It's about EMPATHY. DUDE, you have a heart like a sponge because of empathy. No wonder he is working so hard to fill it with crap.

Oh, as long as he can fill it with crap you will be crippled by being unable to separate the pain of others completely from your pain. You will always get triggered if there is something similar and be driven into a funk, even if it is just a little one.

ooohhh, this is a good thing.

K said:
I began to pull on the root and it moved, ever so slightly. It is a large and deep root indeed, because even in pulling with all my strength, I could barely budge it. So I took a break.

Later, as I lay down to sleep, I looked and I saw the thing from a side view, and I saw the conditions that would be necessary for the root's removal: the earth that holds it in place must become parched, dry. A root that is not being fed or watered easily loosens its grip, mostly because it shrinks and shrivels up and can then be easily pulled out. I looked and I saw the earth around the root become dry and cracked and the the root just dried up and was pulled out as easily as a sword is pulled from its sheath.

As I saw this, I was reminded that though it was only a three day trip through the desert from Egypt to the Promised Land, the trip took forty years because of the Israelintes' disobedience and complaining...Tell Sue that because she is being obedient (unlike the Israelites), because she is letting God into those places, my feeling (though this is not "thus saith the Lord," hehe, it's just my gut feeling) is that she is a lot closer to being through this shit than she thinks she is. :)


  1. Sounds like you got some great things to think about...wow. How cool.

    I have disassociated myself from this kind of stuff because of abuses I saw, but then it can be so encouraging and helpful that I hate to discount it entirely. I hope these words are able to help you grow.

  2. Erin, I know what you are talking about. Gosh, personally I wasn't even willing to see or receive or hear anything anymore for years and years because of how I was taught to do it through divination. In this season of my life, I am having to relearn what was good and is scares me to death because I am afraid of picking the evil back up.

    It's real, but there is SO MUCH false and abuse too. It's a scary thing to walk the line!

  3. Yeah Tyler, I'm tracking with you on that...and I try really hard not to let my residual cynicism impact the good it can be for other people. But then here I am, letting my residual cynicism impact Sue's experiences. I hope she forgives me. ;-)

  4. My own residual cynicism impacts my own experiences Erin so I don't mind a bit of your's coming along for the ride :) I'm tracking with both of you.

    Actually, that was partly the reason I posted this, because I have discarded it all for years and years because of the SHIT that goes on around all of this stuff, and the powerplays and all that crap.

    But still, God still speaks through all the fakery. It feels like s/he has for me in this situation definitely.

  5. PS: Tyler, that must be rather difficult going back in again. I'd love to hear more of your thoughts about all of this if youre willing to share on your blog

  6. Sorry, this is all quite foreign to me. Any "visions" I may have had were much simpler and dealt only with my own issues and what God had to say about them. This is not to say there is nothing good in all this, but I don't have a clue.
    As for that devil, I suppose there could be some personalized force of evil. I prefer to remind myself that God and I are stronger.

  7. Sorry, this is all quite foreign to me. Any "visions" I may have had were much simpler and dealt only with my own issues and what God had to say about them. This is not to say there is nothing good in all this, but I don't have a clue.
    As for that devil, I suppose there could be some personalized force of evil. I prefer to remind myself that God and I are stronger.

  8. Hmm... I understand. Visions can be tricky things. Like Kim said, this is not 'thus saith the Lord,' but I think that a key may lie in not seeking them. Getting them while praying for someone is not the same as seeking them. I think Tyler has mentioned in the comments on her blog that we can be taught that visions are so important and to seek them to the point that we open ourselves up to deception.

    IMO, these are not that. I know that I don't really know any of you and vice versus, but I agree with these visions in regards to what's going on with you right now, Sue. For what that's worth. ;-)

    The imagery He used for me was one where my heart was like a rich fertile field that was full of rocks - some showing, some buried. The past year and a half has been about letting Him (important, that - letting Him) dig the rocks out of my heart. Some of them have required breaking before they can be got out. Ouch!

    I am asking Papa to help you see what you need to see and understand what you need to understand to get out into that wide open space of freedom and peace He is leading you to. :D

  9. Katherine, you are right. I was taught to seek them, to force my way into the presence of God (sound like spiritual rape, anyone?)and what I got was sometimes from Him and sometimes not, and I'm still not sure which was which. Now I am unable to really seek them, it just happens (and rarely when I want it to). It's all rather humbling, not being able to force His hand, whereas before I was very proud of the fact that I could go get what I wanted. I am actually pretty ashamed of it now :(. It was pretty bad. And I am scared of becoming what I was again.

  10. Tyler~

    You know a little more than you did then. :-)
    I think the key is not seeking.

    In the church I came out of, one of the things I was in charge of was transcribing all the 'prophecies' and 'messages' that 'came forth' during services (we recorded the services). Just covering a 2 year period, they filled a 3 ring binder. This church (Papa showed me this after I got out) worships the prophecies - believes that if you are prophesied over, it doesn't matter what you do, it will come to pass. They pursue the prophecies - both getting them and trying to make them happen. ICK!!

    After I left, I still had my copy of the binder. It was a long time before I could even think about looking at it. Eventually, He wanted me to - just long enough to recognize that a lot of them were not from Him - mostly from the pastor's own manipulations (WHOLE other story!). But Papa also said that some of them were Him.

    I know what you mean about pushing to try and 'see.' Dangerous, as you already know and... sigh. Well...

    I don't think you will become what you were before - you already are not who you were before. You know you weak areas (and that is a much bigger advantage than people give credit).

    Hmm... learning to trust Him in that area, too. It is not easy - I still get scared - afraid I'll just be telling someone what they want to hear or what I think. But the ones that have come unsolicited while praying - those are the ones that have been the most powerful, unlikely, stuff-I-never-would-have-thought-of things. Even then, test all things and hold to what is good. He doesn't get mad if we test what we hear. It is what He wants us to do. ;-)

    Wow, I rambled on a bit...

  11. Tyler - Rape is a good word. Who are we to say when God will speak? Yet we do...I think that's much of why I'm so fearful of my charismatic roots.

    Katherine - You wrote it all down? Hell, I carried a hand held tape recorder around, so we wouldn't lose a word and could relive it again and again. I did learn that the weirder it was the more likely it was God, because I couldn't make this shit up. Pardon my french.

  12. I guess what it all comes down to is humility, isn't it? And a relying on God instead of on our power and desire for status and stuff. Tyler, I'm with Katherine. You are not the same person you were.

    But that concern you have is one we all share at all times - or at least it should be. Keeps us humble.

    And yet at the same time there does seem to be room for us to make mistakes. so often I say things to people with the thought that God is speaking through me somehow, and yet who knows, really? Some of those things hit the mark, some of them don't. We have room to make mistakes.

    Interesting insights :)

  13. Wow, talk about control. But even more than that - lack of faith in god. All of that carrying around tape recorders and stuff - it reminds me of the way I used to feel about God, back in the first decade, when I still had so many questions about whether he really was actually a bastard. And the trying to stopper him up in a bottle.

    So even when God doesn't speak - that also is a grace :)

  14. Erin~

    Wow. Yeah - I remember what it was like. Didn't want to 'miss' a thing. We kept a digital recording of everything (part of my job) and then the pastor wanted them all transcribed so he could 'keep them in front of his eyes.'

    I'll tell you, if you read some of them, they would make you sick. When I finally went back and read a few of them, I was shocked at what I sensed. Hesitated to say it. Asked God - didn't want to say something was evil if it was from Him. He assured me that I was 'sensing' right. They were not him. They were sick and manipulative and some of them were used to manipulate specific individuals to do things just for the pastor's pleasure... Grrr!!!

    Okay, yeah. Not a pretty memory. I have needed (and still need) His help to not want to just chuck the whole business and say it is all bogus. But I know, deep in my being, that it is not all bogus. But it is also okay for me to shelf it until some serious healing takes place. ;-)

  15. if my 4 cents means anything, i think that just because people fake god speaking, we shouldn't be unwilling to believe that he has said something. especially if she did say it. in this forum, and the sharing of the words that you did, in the way you did, i found myself thinking early on that the sponge in the vision represented your empathic capabilities. so i found it confirming that it was mentioned later to be thought to be that as well.

    that is why it is a good thing and is being attacked. i concur with the word spoken here one hundred percent and believe it to be truly motivated by holy spirit.

    consider your empathy as a new superpower that you're just learning you possess. you haven't mastered it yet. i'll ask god to show you some care and maintenance, and ask for a clear mind to receive instructions.

    tear off the band-aids so that the living water can cleanse your wounds at their source.

  16. That's valid Katherine, I shelved it for years. One day I prayed, "Take it all away, the good and the bad and give me back the good when I have learned to love people enough that I can be trusted with this because it is too destructive in my hands right now!"

  17. I agree with Jon, empathy is an incredible gift one that leads into both compassion, and then as it grows, mercy, we put far too much emphasis on the flashy ones. I wish everyone around me had the gift of empathy.

    The scriptures say "do not despise prophecy" but in this era of the church I think it would more likely say, "do not despise mercy!"

    Mercy, in my book, is the one gift I would have around me, at my disposal, more than any other. People around me on a regular basis need lots of it ;)

  18. Ooh, thanks Jon and Tyler. Something in your words sparked something in me which needs some inspection. Ta very much! :D

  19. Sue, I know that this is off-topic of the previous 18 comments here, but I just want to thank you for sharing the visions that your friends had. I thought that they were very powerful and beautiful.

  20. Thanks for saying that, Tina. I still feel rather ambivalent about having them here - it feels a bit vulnerablefying or a bit boastful or something. I dunno. So thanks :)


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