Tuesday 22 July 2008

Thanks everyone. I really really really needed you to pray and some of you amazing superhero-type people with special superhero powers did ;) Thanks.

I don't need to go ride rollercoasters. I just live in my body these past few years. Ecstasy one day, happiness, contentment, a smattering of joy, amidst tears, the dislike of the feeling of being a bit more denumbed, wonderment at the beauty of life, floating, swimming in creativity. Then wham, bam, I open a door into a room of self hatred and fall in, no floor, deep waters, swimming, flailing. Then out, again, somehow, on the banks, sunning dry, the gentle warm sun of God. Then wham, out again, in the dark, needing prayer, getting it, thanking you :)

Rereading Richard Rohr, Everything Belongs. Highly recommended stuff. Reminds me of the work God does in the darkness, helps me to see again over again that everything does indeed belong. Born again and again and again and again.

I would post a portion here that yelled at me in watery voices this evening while waiting for the train, but the battery on my laptop will not allow for such lengthinesses. It shall have to wait until my home connection happens - hopefully by the end of the week.


  1. Darn those laptop batteries! I want to hear more.

  2. Sue~

    Hmm... If you figure out how not to fall through that door, let me know? I often fight drowning in that place, too. And you are welcome. Praying - caring - that's what friends are for. :grin:

  3. Erin - I'll post it when I'm not on batteries (and not at work, oops)

    Ooh, Katherine. I think part of not falling through that door (and this is a room that has been opened very little in my past) is to look at it, bit by bit. Look at it, hold it in your hand, weigh it around, see what it looks like, feels like. Then let it go again. When the time is right, you will be able to embrace it and let Papa transform it. At least, that has been a small portion of my experience lately with anger. with self hatred it's much harder, isn't it? I've had people praying and having visions and stuff on my behalf in this matter so it's giving me some insight :)

  4. Hmm... I think, at least in part, the self-hatred comes from not being allowed (at least as a child - but for me, even now) to hate anything else. Hmm... no, that's not quite right. This, I think is closer...

    Self-hatred comes from not being allowed to be angry and stand up for ourselves - being taught, either directly through religion or through negative reinforcement as children/spouses, that the anger itself was evil. The anger had to go somewhere - then that internalized anger was compounded with guilt for feeling angry. Sigh.

  5. Katherine, I agree fulsomely. In fact, I think all of this self hatred has been coming up in me BECAUSE I've been embracing my anger, really allowing it to come forth and letting it be. On the heels of that has been the self hatred.

    Ahhh, it's a mess, isn't it - the self hatred, anger, shame. It's all gonna get ironed out, it is it is it is it is. For all of us. Even those of us who don't think so.

  6. I'll believe it for you and you can believe it for me. ;-)

  7. If that self hatred is behind a door you can open and close, just to check in - it's never going to leave. It's a monster that loves lurking behind a door ...

  8. Mork - I think this self-hatred has been hidden for a long time. I knew some was there, but the force of it - whoah! Knocked me off my feet a bit this week, to be honest. I think that was hidden behind a door for a long time. Scary

  9. I love you too, chick of chickness.


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