Finding community

Susie's resilience-ometer is a bit flabby these days, I must say. I rang the Christian meditation group I've been thinking of for the past few weeks, only to find that the very last session was held last night because the guy running it is getting married and moving out of where he is. And I indulged in a bit of "Oh! I'm gonna be stuck in the desert by myself forever!" thinking.

The guy who ran the classes shared a house with 3 other people who are all involved together in different types of Christian-ish stuff, and who go to the same church building together. He was moving out to get married, and so the classes have ended.

I liked the idea of these people all sharing a house together, in one way. Although the thought of the church building still stiffens my shoulders straight away, part of me dribbles copiously at the thought of all that intentional community. But the rest of me goes, "But when do they get time alone?" And that right there is the rub. How does a person who requires several hours at least of solitude every day to maintain equilibrium dribble at the thought of that sort of intentional community? But still, I do. Perhaps I shall begin my own intentional community, a Zen Universalist Christian Solitudes group, who share a house and only talk to each other for an hour or so every day :) Heh :)

You know, I really do seriously believe that when the door opens it opens, in terms of hooking up with other believers, and you know about it. Not that it is easy to believe that, being part of the great giant swathe of believers stuck out on their ownsomes all over the world. What a strange time we live in, do we not? Such a giant mass exodus from church buildings of people who are thirsty for the real stuff, who ain't gonna buy the control anymore. Hallelujah. But oh, ever since I've gone out of it all, I've been hanging for a coming together. The type which I haven't really experienced before. The type where I don't carry the dragging shadow of my real-but-unshowable self, my secret sins. The type where I get to be myself in all my messiness and goodness.

And so yes, I think the doors open, but in their own time. Even though I have been saying that for years. But I haven't been anywhere near ready to get back into Christian community. Until (maybe, perhaps) now. And not that I have had all that many open doors over the past 10 years in any respect (which may come across sounding rather pity partyish, but is simply the truth of how things have been). I know that there is a place and a group of people for me. When I have been indulging in regular contemplative prayer and swimming in God I can rest and relax in that. I just know it will happen. I can feel it. But I haven't done any contemplative prayer for a week, and have just come off several days sickness, and so therefore today I plot and ponder about ways to find it and force it to happen. Silly silly girl. :) Because the signposts and the gutfeels and the "go there" whispers and resonations live 400 relaxing levels below striving.