Today seems to be beginning as the converse of yesterday. Oh for the kind of personality where I can just coast along without thinking so hard. Without being so bloody aware of everything that is going on in myself. Oh for a self ignorant of itself. This is the fruit of that bloody tree.
I have a family member staying with me, so all of the family dynamics are pricking my soul, even if they don't play themselves out anymore. I hate the headspace.
I may have once blogged all about this, but I don't feel comfortable sharing so much of my inner negative stuff these days, nor compelled to do so, nor interested in doing so, nor comfortable doing so. Which I imagine is a pretty good thing, not spurting out all my stuff to the entire world :)
I do however feel uncomfortable with the one-sidedness I wonder if sometimes I am portraying on this blog. I just don't have much inclination to write about my own personal stuff at the moment unless I'm writing from good wellsprings. I lack the desire to write out of spaces where I am trying to sort my own shit. I am so inward and closed-off and "leave me alone while I work it out myself, thanks very much" when I am trying to work certain things out that I just can't do that. I love writing out of joy spaces. For whatever reason, I have little compulsion to write about the bad stuff, the negative stuff, going on in my life. At least lately.
Maybe it's a good thing, to not be blurting out all my stuff to the blogosphere :) I don't know. I go backwards and forwards between feeling comfortable about being such an open person, and annoyance at being such an open person. Because openness is vulnerability. Perhaps it is just simply a matter of time. What dislocates you at some stage, the thought of sharing with anybody else except those you trust most, or even not with anyone, becomes something that further down the road, suddenly, once some scabbiness has crusted over, you are able to share happily, even joyfully, with other people without disorientating your own soul. I don't know. What I am glad of is the ability to recognise the difference.
Happy Saturday to ye, bloggers.
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"openess is vulnerability" - this is true. You want to be hurt? be open. You want to be loved? be open. The open door lets a whole bunch of stuff in - I prefer at the moment for mine to be closed. But this I know I will never experieance true love while that door is shut.
ReplyDeleteYeah - I did have a happy Sat, I drove a Taxi all day for my mate and I enjoyed it.
Glad you had a happy Saturday, dude. I am feeling unwell, and totally at a loss to be able to be graceful about it.
ReplyDeleteYes, I choose to keep the door shut too. And bolted. Except when I choose to open it. But oh, that is teh first step to loving in the God way, don't you think? Knowing that it's a choice you make in some respects who you are going to bestow your love on? It sounds blasphemous because there's this whole "Love others" thing, but it seems to me to be the case.
Whatever, keeping the door closed at times is the right thing to do for the healing to come. God is on both sides of the door.
Happy Sunday to you, Mork :)
sometimes it's really healthy to say, "i don't wanna!" the cool thing is to know you have a choice and to be conscious and deliberate rather than letting it control you...(i.e. spewing out all over the place and then trying to shove it back in OR thinking you are being totally honest with your door open when you really have it bolted shut).
ReplyDeletegood wrestling going on here, methinks! :-)
Lucy - what's so good about it? :)
ReplyDeleteI agree sometimes it is TOTALLY healthy to say "I don't wanna!" Even if sometimes it's just to yourself, in your morning pages
just thinking outloud. you get decide what's good :-) AND i always think having a choice is good!
ReplyDeleteLucy - I know what you meant :) I'm just being bitter and twisted 'cause that's who I am at the moment :)
ReplyDeleteChoice is the thing that stops you going nutso, ain't it.
Hi Sue,
ReplyDeleteFor me, vulnerability is like being thrown in cold water, I can do it (most of the time) if I know it's coming, but if someone pushes me in it's extremely difficult to catch my breath.
I hate the shock of it, but I also hate the tension of trying to fight it. I wonder if this is one of the reasons Jesus sought time alone...not just out of tiredness and connection with the Father, but also because he felt battered emotionally?? I wonder.
Hi Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteYes, that's an interesting comparison about knowing if its coming. I think that's been part of the problem for me this week.
Trying to fight it. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any choice though.
Yes, that makes sense that he felt battered emotionally. It is a comforting thought, anyway, isn't it, in its way, knowing that he had to get away and be alone himself.