Thursday, 22 January 2009

This blog lasted on For-Susie's-Eyes-Only status for approximately nine hours. That's how long I survived before I began to miss it :)

Ahhh, the land of ambivalence. Its shores expand out for years, it seems. It is very exhausting holding two sometimes-opposing thoughts in your head at the one time. It's frowned upon in society. We are meant to always know where we are going. It seems to scare people, being ambivalent. Look at Thomas and the bad rap he got, and yet I don't think God is anywhere near as upset by our ambivalences as we are ourselves.

'Cause swinging backwards and forwards is especially bad for your ego. And it's painful feeling like a teetering twit, especially when you have been the sort of person who has been able to put on an outward show of strength much of the time. That seems to be the last thing I am these days. I went into the ladies toilets at work today and cried, in the way you do at work when you have makeup on, with toilet paper wadded up and stuck directly under your eyes so that nobody can see the streaks making their way back down your face. Later on, on a different visit to the loo, Jenny walked in and asked was I okay, that I looked upset, as if I might cry. If I hadn't learnt to hide my emotions so well, I probably would have let them fall again. But I didn't. Held on. Stoically. I have not learnt the art of crying in public. Neither have I learnt the art of being weak and broken in public, much as it might seem differently on here :)

Sometimes I wonder if God's plan is to just reduce me down to a pile of rubble. I don't like God much today.

Of course, on the plus side, ambivalence is indicative of growth and change. Much as we would like it, you can't really go from one state of being and thinking to another without bumbling somewhere in the middle of the two lands. I am trying to be kinder to myself in these instances. It's very difficult in these times when the self-talk voices are especially nasty. I don't like myself much today, either.

Anyway, I have deleted a few posts from here. Things about my family, mainly. Things that are really too out-there to be sharing here, even for me. Some things that are just too raw. I love being open, you know? I think it is one of my strengths. I understand what shame feels like, and I have closet skeletons I will never share with anybody. Nevertheless, I think openness comes from feeling forgiven, I have decided. And as much as I am disliking myself and God, I certainly don't have a trouble with the whole forgiveness bag. It is just not an issue for me anymore. I am more certain of God's love and provision for me than I am of any human's.

It is a strength to be openhearted. But oh, it's a vulnerability too, and once again I find myself feeling like I am going to collapse in a strong breeze. And so I go back, deleting posts that are detrimental to my health. Maybe I'll delete more as I go. I guess it's just one more boundary that needs to be built, huh. The privacy zone. Even I need one of those :)


  1. Ok so I was going to get mad at you for deleting the last conversation...but it's ok, I understand. You need to feel safe and I want that for you.

    I soooo know the thing about crying in church all my friends would just be so amazingly moved by God that they would end up in sniveling heaps all the time (no sarcasm there or anything)...and would ask me all why I never cried. I was like, "um, because you look like idiots..."

    But seriously there is an art to it...and the reason I don't do it is simple...I don't WANT anyone asking me what's wrong...because I don't want to talk about it. Ever.

    This is why I'm seeing thing I need is to learn to talk about my feelings...without thinking the other person thinks I'm boring or dramatic or some other invalidating thing. Because I know there are people who don't do that...I'm just so trained to believe everyone thinks my feelings are a crock of shit.

  2. Hey ladies, at the risk of being corny which in a sense is being vulnerable I offer this to you both.

  3. woo-hoo, you're back!...9 hrs, huh... :)

    Lovely post

  4. Wow I've never heard that. Thanks's good stuff.

  5. Erin - blergh, the crying in church thing is another thing yet again, isn't it. Reminds me of what Darin Hufford said on a podcast a few weeks ago when he was talking about how men who hardly know each other are encouraged to get together for weekends based around a particular theme and share the entirety of their guts with people they don't know. And he was just like, "Ahh, no. Why would I do that?" So often churches encourage inappropriate expression of feelings - we're meant to all be able to just let our stuff hang out with each other - what, cause we're "the Body"? But if we have no relationship with each other, why would we do that? Weird.

    I'm glad you are seeing someone about this. It's important in context and safety to share. As open as I am on here, I find it much more difficult sharing my stuff unless it's with someone I REALLY trust. I have never, ever once thought that anything you have shared feelingswise has been ANY of those things that the deep Erin murk is suggesting they are :)

    Kent - thanks for your corny vulnerability. It was corny ... and sweet too :) I hug you ((hug))

    I think part of being a gambler (and yeah, The Gambler is now gonna be on high rotation in my head today :) is to know when to hold your cards close to your chest. I am really realising what a broken down wall that is with me. It's staggeringly creepy.

    But hell, if you can't gamble a little in life, what's the point, huh?

    Manu - yes, a grand total of 9 premenstrual hours ;) Such stamina!

  6. "Now evry gambler knows that the secret to survivin
    Is knowin what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
    cause evry hands a winner and evry hands a loser,
    And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep..."

    It's actually a pretty profound song when you look at the words...I always picture it as poker, but really it's some good advice for life....

    Play on, Radio Susie!

  7. Hey buddy
    I have been off line for a few daysso dont really know what has been going on but I am sorry to see you are down
    Do you need to catch up? I am here with a hug if so

  8. kent, I loved that song and video also...thanks for sharing :)

  9. LOL don't encourage me, Erin. Radio Susie is now singing Let's Hear it for the Boy.

    Hey Lou - awww, I'm feeling much better today, thanks. I was feeling REALLY oppressed there for a while. Perhaps I could come over for dinner and you and Matt could cast out my demons ;)

    Manu - he is good at sharing nice little musical tidbits, isn't he? :)


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