Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Possibilities, if they were to behave in a verifiably predictable manner, would surely bubble.  What else are possibilities going to do except bubble?  Unless they're a more languid sort of possibility.  I imagine that the longer-held ones, tempered with time and doubt but then boosted with more bubbles, would change consistency.  They would become more floaty, sometimes almost completely still, trailing their hands in the breeze :)

I am reminding myself of the possibilities this morning, the day of my return to work after the Christmas/New Year break.  Granted, a return not to the gruelling physicality of an eight-year-old working a 12-hour shift down the mines.  My work situation is a trial in other ways.  I work from home providing transcription and secretarial services.  It bores me beyond tears, but there are freedoms to my current situation that I so appreciate.  I can climb out of bed at 9 and still be at work on time.  That's if I decide work is going to start at 9.  Some days it's a much better plan to write for an hour before getting down to work.  Some days, when energy is low, work time starts after lunch.

Working from home is the perfect scenario while you're sorting out your health.  I have had chronic health issues for 13 years, but am now excitingly closer to having the pieces to the health puzzle sorted than ever before.  I really value the flexibility and space in my working day.  But there's not a whole lot of soul.  Really, it's boring as batshit and I am chronically understimulated.  And so that's why today, as I feel the chafing of the admittedly free and part-time tie tightening around my neck, I am thinking of possibilities for change.  New possible work directions that make me bubble on the inside.

A decent baseline level of health is important when it comes to being able to step into your possibilities.  And I'm not there yet.  Sometimes I don't realise how restrictive health issues are until I get a bigger burst of energy, and then I see the world open up, and consider how many things I could do in one day.  And then, sadly, the bubble pops and the days snap back into a smaller place like a piece of giant elastic.  That's what happened this last week.  The day after Christmas we went for a bike ride, and then the next day I went for a two-hour walk, and the day after did some yoga.  It felt so nice to do those things and have a bit of leftover energy for other things as well.  The days opened up.

But then the day after that, my energy levels dropped, and all I felt like doing was sitting outside on the decking with a giant pile of books and the umbrella up, reading away the hours.  Which was lovely and delicious in itself, obviously.  And I soooo enjoyed it.  But it wasn't freely chosen.  I have so many pent-up bike rides in me, but yet again the window, at least for that day, was closed and the curtains drawn.

Something goes on in my body to make it more fatigued after anaerobic exercise.  It's a longstanding question, a big piece in the puzzle to sort out.

After reading about the experiences of one of the wonderful peeps on the Pyroluria page on Facebook, I've begun to suspect maybe ammonia overload is the problem.  Yeah, ammonia.  Slightly unpleasant smell on your floor or in your toilet, but sometimes after I have exercised, or when I'm having a sauna, I can smell it in my nose.  Which is sorta creepy.  My poor body, along with all of the other shit it's accumulated over the years, seems to have issues getting rid of the stuff, and takes the opportunity when some anaerobic activity comes along to dump it, and that causes my energy levels to drop a few days later.

I need to do more research into exactly what happens in this situation, but I feel like I've maybe hit upon a reason to the problem.  It makes me very grateful that I bought my sauna all those months ago to help my poor ole body;  it is proving invaluable.  As is the advice and experience of those on the Facebook group.  From the wisdom shared there I have now begun a protocol of taking activated charcoal tablets a couple of days out of each week, which help mop up the ammonia. 

Charcoal.  Burnt wood.  I mean, is there any end to the life-givingness of trees?  Even when they're dead, and burnt to a crisp, they're sexing it up.  Trees, I bow down to you with my hat doffed low.

Where was I?  Possibilities.  I have bubbly hope that improvements on the health front this year mean more space for bubbly possibilities.  Work possibilities.  Finding a niche or two.  Having some of those elusive spaces come close enough for me to actually touch them.  I'm feeling inspired by the example of others - like The Pollinatrix, who has come via spine bubblings of synchronicity into a fascinating niche of her own.  I'm feeling inspired by the different ways people find to do things which shake up the situation and bring freedom where there wasn't before.  One small example of that is these people, who run guided tours.  There are two options - take the tour for free, if you so wish, or pay what you think the tour was worth if you want to pay.

I love that idea of "pay what it's worth".  It throws out compulsion and opens up the possibility of generosity.  I suspect that many people, in that situation, would find generosity welling up into that space and would end up paying close to what they would have paid if there had been a set amount to begin with.  But freely given.


  1. I very much understand your concept of needing a decent baseline of health before stepping into possibilities. After 7 years of being a diabetic, I'm realizing that the degree to which I'm fooling myself about my measure of care is taking it's toll on my everyday health. I have had many, many good days when I behave well and do the things I'm supposed to do. But they don't level out the many really terrible days when I self-sabotage because I don't have the energy to do anything else. Which just reinforces the lack of energy. And it becomes a downward spiral. It has to stop.

    I wish you continued answers and resolutions to the health issues you face!

  2. Health issues always throw you into a space that you can easily ignore the rest of the time when you're allowed to go about your business without hindrance. They're the hardest of lessons, aren't they?

    Hmmm, so has your self-sabotaging increased since you've been studying? I would imagine so. You have so many balls to juggle; I so understand that not having any energy to do anything else. It's so difficult and spiral really is a good way to put it. The week after Christmas is probably one of the harder ones, ain't it. I find each day of "just a bit of crap" extends out into several days until, like my cousin and I were saying last night, you're realising that you're craving stuff simply because you've had it several days in a row. Geez, sugar, wheat - so insidious!!!

    And I wish you an upward spiral and greater energy. I'm really proud of your commitment to studying; all your hard work will have paid off by this time next year, eh? :)

  3. It's true that school does have something to do with it, but it's not an excuse. In fact, school would probably be easier if I would make a priority to do what I need to do for my health.

  4. Yeah. That's why it's so frustrating, huh :)


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