This Too Shall Pass

Sunday 13 October 2013

It's a liberating - or unnerving - concept that this too shall pass. But it shall. All of it, whether good or bad. For me right now, feeling bogged down by slowness and infected sinuses and molasses, it is a beauty of a thought, shooting me across the sky into some sort of perspective.

As some of you know, I work as a transcriber. Work that I am very good at, and which my conscientious self takes pride in doing well. And work that I'm also not very disciplined with, because it's not really suited to my temperament.  A word of advice:  if you're going to work from home, make sure it's something you love.  It makes it just that little bit easier :)

I'm also in the process of studying to work as a personal care worker for people requiring assistance in their homes, and to get out and about in the community.  The space between this job and the next feels like it's going to drag on forever and ever, but in reality I will be trained and ready to go in my new work in five months. Hopefully. I am still to organise my placement - all 120 hours of it - before I can get out and working.  Hopefully I will be able to have all of that done and dusted and in five months be off and running ... or as off and running as a CFSey person can be :)

My anxiety screams that five months is way too long because money. Money is tight and I have not been contributing much at all in recent times, leaving my partner to shoulder most of the burden, which awakens pretty much every demon that I have, giving ample opportunity to feel depressed and like a useless loser, basically.  I've been trying to drum up extra transcription work, but it's not been all that forthcoming.

And so once I move into my new part-time work situation, combined with the disability support pension I hope to begin receiving soon, and suddenly the world of Susie will feel a little less precarious. And I will be able to resume a regular writing practice again.  Because my world has been as wobbly as a fault line for some time now, and I need it to stabilise for my health's sake, both mentally and physically.

So I will hang on till then. Wait in the fire, wait in the fire.  This too shall pass, and what has felt like it's forever coming will be here and I can relax.

To be brutally honest, the thought of washing old men's testicles is terrifying to me. The thought of assisting the old man who lives on the end of the testicles to remain independent in his home for as long as possible is exciting and gratifying. The former I will get used to. Hopefully not the latter.

And so I wait until then. But it's a stressful wait. To be honest with you, I'm struggling. Money woes, old trauma that rears it's head up and threatens to devour. Health going up and down like a bride's nightie so I can't get any purchase on anything, so I'm not productive, so I feel like shit. 

I feel like shit. And I feel apologetic about it because I'm paranoid.  And I feel paranoid because almost menopause.  And so this post is turning into a whinge, but I'm sorry, I'm just simply not shiny.  I'm tarnished.  Too much time on my hands with menopause looming so close to be able to resist overthinking.  Which contributes to the extra health things.  But I'm trying.  I'm trying so hard to climb out of this pit.

(In fact, I think the problem with me is not so much that I don't try as I overtry.  And I overcare.  I know this, but I've come to know it just a little bit better lately.  I so want to be free of the past ...)

And so I can't wait to get out there working, in whatever capacity my chronically fatigued body will allow me.  I really can't wait.  I know I am going to be so much happier when I do.  Perhaps then I will be able to write posts that are about things that extend a little beyond my very own navel ;)

To finish, in my class last week we watched two episodes of Derek.  Have you seen it?  Ricky Gervais plays Derek, a worker in a nursing home, and all it took was 29 minutes or so to have me gathered in and in love with these characters.  A lovely light-hearted look at ageing, disability, and what it means to be human in the very best sense.  Gervais is so brilliant in this.


  1. 5 months? That's nothing. I still have 21 months. :)

    OK enough of being minimizing about your anxiety. I don't mean to minimize...because you and I are different and are undertaking different things. But your mention of it made me gasp for a second and think about how much time I have left and it's a little stressful. I really need to be working NOW, but I can't be. So I understand that aspect of it.

    I think what you're doing is amazing and you will be done in no time. It will go by quickly. The world needs more caregivers, but the caregivers also need to have good boundaries and be able to separate so they don't overcare and burn out. So watch yourself there. Be sure you practice good self-care on an ongoing basis. But yes, love on those experience in memory care is that those older folks are simply amazing and have so much life wisdom to share. Glean from it.

    1. Your qualification in 21 months will open up just a tad more doors than mine will, my dear :) But yes, it does get stressful when you think about how long there is to go with these things when they feel like big elephants, doesn't it :)

      I do worry, because if my partner loses his house then I will feel a great deal responsible for it. So it's hard not to stress with those sorts of worries attached.

      And oh, you are so right about caregivers needing boundaries. That's such a big one to learn, isn't it??? Takes many years. You will need to take care of that sort of thing too. Did you read that whole thing about care vs overcare that I posted the other day? It really switched on some lights for me. Sometimes things are right there in front of our faces but it takes the right time for them to switch on ... or switch on a little brighter than they did last time we had an aha moment in this area :)

    2. I did watch Derek the other night. Well, I watched about 20 minutes of the first episode...then became distracted by my family. But I will go back and watch more when I have time. Totally fascinating.

      Which post was about overcare? I must have missed it...

    3. I'm looking forward to watching more, too. There's about eight episodes all in all. Someone who has seen them all said to expect to cry in the last episode. I've cried in the first two, so I can't imagine it will be any different in the last one :)

      I posted something on FB about overcare. I came across it via the HeartMath Institute, who talk a lot about what they label "heart coherence". I've read a book of theirs called Transforming Anxiety which had some helpful techniques in it which actually focus on sort of literally living through your heart. They've done all sorts of experiments and things which have found that the heart has a brain of its own. Such fascinating stuff. And in Transforming Anxiety they talk about overcare, and how it is different to plain old caring, which energises you, whereas overcare drains you. And it was like another lightbulb of what happens with me in my relationship. Really interesting. An article about the differences between care and overcare are here if you want to have a squiz:

  2. I'm all too familiar with the title quote of your post, Sue.
    Some times, it is comforting. At others, frustrating and insufferable.
    All dependent on my mood at the time.


    I allude to it a lot.
    I could give numerous quotes on it.
    Time heals all/One day at a time/Time is the longest distance between two places.
    I could go on, there are SO many references to it.

    Time, and waiting within the time-space, requires patience. Something I'm short on, sadly. Which makes it more difficult.

    I understand the low ebb you're in at the moment. You've been through so much, and losing dear Lester was such a blow to the heart.
    Strange how I seem to relate to so many of your posts.
    Although everyone's journey is indeed, their own.

    Money troubles escalate our woes, and make every decision so much harder. There's only so far a dollar can stretch, for sure.
    And, everything - everything - costs.
    I'm looking for local (hopefully) part-time work myself.

    I'm all too familiar with emotional/hormonal "ruts" - not sure if I like that word. I've been on the floor in foetal position crying till I'm dry. It was an often assumed position in my younger days.

    Peri-menopausal. Ugh.
    The looks I get (when I can't avoid the public, and have to be among them), when I have a "flush" is something I'm not sure I'll get used to.
    To make it worse, my skin is very pale, so any facial hot flush - and I can feel when the blood rises - makes me look like a tomato head. Especially now my hair is silver-grey. What an unflattering combination.
    I look like Mrs Claus. I assume the chocolate consumption doesn't help either :)
    Wearing red and white is definitely out of the question. The last thing I need is children running up to me asking where the other - more important - half is :D

    As for old men's testicles. Well, you get used to seeing - and washing - them very quickly. You find you can take on a "professional air" and get the job done. Then, you can tend to the more enjoyable tasks of care.
    But, I think of it as, how uncomfortable it would be to not feel "fresh down there". And tried to make every aspect as comfortable as possible.
    Trust me, you do get used to it.
    For someone who was sexually abused, I never thought I could ever do it. That's the thing with training and having someone there initially to show you how. You are able to disconnect (somehow) to see the task through.

    I wish I could help alleviate your anxious thoughts and make you feel more positive. But, anything I say might seem like platitudes - something I was never fond of when people used to tell me things like, "it's character building". Gah, be still my itchy palms.
    That doesn't help when you're right in the thick of it.

    I hear you and I feel for you. And I'm all too familiar with roller-coasters.
    One day - whenever you feel up to it, no pressure - there's a coffee with your name on it. My shout.

    Hugs x

    1. You are so kind, Vicki. Thank you for the vulnerable comments you leave here.

      So you worked as a PCA as well? Is that the sort of work you are looking at doing, or are you hoping to move on to something else in your part-time work? That is encouraging to hear from someone who has been there, that there is a way to wash old men even if it triggers. And I so agree - in these sorts of situations so often the way through is considering what someone else will gain from your actions if you are scared of performing them. I forget that, when I fall into my giant vats.

      I will most certainly take you up on that coffee one day soon :) xo

    2. I worked in geriatric nursing for nearly five years from the age of eighteen - so that was a while ago :)
      I recently applied for a part-time retail job in Sassy, but didn't get it. Not enough retail experience, I think.
      I'm pretty much hoping to find something to supplement income.

      SEEK is a difficult and competitive jobs search medium. I think I need to find a local employment agency.
      I also have sign-writing and map making/design experience. But most of those jobs go to much younger people these days.
      Victoria is a very difficult/competitive market I'm finding. So many more people looking for the same jobs than in W.A.
      Oh well, something will come along :)

    3. Oh, that's right, you've told me that before but it fell through one of the holes in my sieve brain :P

      Let me know if you come across a local employment agency. I might have to go down that road as well.

      That's an interesting variety of work, in sign-writing and map making and design. Cool. But yes, anything vaguely creative is soooooooooo competitive. Hmmm, moving to WA looks good then. I'm so over it being so competitive!

      Shame to hear you missed out on the part-time retail job but yes, something WILL come along eventually. Best wishes for dat :)


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