Slowly, Slowly

Thursday, 29 May 2014

Bruno's, Marysville (pre-fire)  Pic mine - free to use but please link back
Yesterday, I took the next few steps towards seeing if this creative space idea of mine - Liminal - is viable.

I created a survey (which I would love for you to fill in, if you could be ever so kind, especially if you live in Australia).  I created a Facebook page.  I already have a Twitter account.  And I sent out the first newsletter.

After all of that effort, Speedy Snail is a little exhausted today!

Unable to identify image creator - apologies
This is so how I felt this morning.

My hope was that I would at least try to do some basic yoga stretching,  some breathing, and some meditation, to start off the day right.

It's hard to do that when you can't get yourself out of bed, though, so I did the next best thing - I just stayed in bed and did it all.  Sure bed yoga entails reduced poses but it's not like I would be doing downward dog first thing in the morning anyway, so it's all good.

Starting something new - or at least dipping your toe into the idea of starting something new - is terrifying, isn't it?  It feels daunting because it's big and it's changey and we aren't very good at change.  But still, right next to the terror is excitement.  It reminds me of how often this state felt as a child and a teenager, and how as we get older it's easier to sequester ourselves away from new experiences.

Especially true for me after 15 years of chronic illness.

But the good thing about having a chronic illness is that it has forced me to confront my limitations.  I'm not very good at managing them, even after all this time.  Sometimes, if I'm extra ultra anxious, I can easily feel like pacing myself is simply not allowed, as if something outside says it is not permissible to do things your way, in your time, at your pace.

It's the insides that are making me feel like that, and what is inside is anxiety.  It's been probably the hardest symptom for me to manage in recent years and I only now feel like I'm getting on top of it again.    This racing mind has thoughts rushing through like traffic, in combination with a fatigued body, so I end up feeling sorta somethin' like this:

CC pic by Andrew


But of course, there is also something outside my own body that says that I can't go at my own pace and neither can you.  It's this stupid, childish, ridiculous, amateur culture we're all stuck with while we slowly realise we can change it.  The one that tells us to conform to it, not the other way around.  The one that does not fit us right.  Our culture is like a one-size-fits-none jumper made of scratchy wool that's 11 sizes too small that we have to wear all summer, and which has too many holes to keep us warm in winter.

Stepping outside of what you've been born into is the equivalent of that saucepan frog jumping out.  It's scary and hard to see what one day ends up being so clear.  But it's doable.  Being aware of our culture's stupidity, and that your desires to do things your way are perfectly acceptable - sane, even - makes it just that much easier.

And so the fears I have about starting up something like this with limited stamina are not so surprising in the light of the inside and the outside.  I can't start up something like this.  Why not?  Because I don't have the energy.  Well start it part-time.  But you can't start up a business part-time!  Why not?  Because it doesn't look professional.  Who says?

Good point.    But I can't do it by myself.  Then get other people on board.  I don't know where to start with that.  Well, just start.  Build it and they will come.  Was it really necessary for you to insert a corny film line?  Yes.

There are so many ways we can limit ourselves.  I'm a hardcore mistress at it.  But to be honest with you, I have absolutely NOTHING to lose in pushing to see what happens with this idea, and everything to gain.

At the very least, I will be able to say I tried.  And that's something.  

Public domain
Snails have been featuring prominently for me lately.  I wrote a short story a few weeks ago for a competition.  The winning story goes onto a wine label, which is all kinds of cool.  My story involved a woman at her daughter's wedding who is voyeuristically watching a couple of snails having sex.  Can say I don't write about the important stuff, now, can we?

10 comments

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Interesting to see snails appearing everywhere for you. Take that as a sign from the Universe. Snails always get to where they're going, just more slowly. But, they get there in the end. That's heartening :)

    I've also had a similar regularly appearing animal totem lately. Too regular and uncanny to disregard. I've taken that as a sign, and have included it in my art logo.

    I've completed your survey too :)

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    1. That is a heartening thought, to think about why snails keep coming into my head :)

      Yay for regular and uncanny appearances of random things. Those experiences are so cool, kind of like a veil parting on the weird workings of the universe. I'm sure there's a common explanation for it but that explanation would never match the delight that comes from actually experiencing those things.

      Thanks so much for completing the survey, I really appreciate it.

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  3. First of all, bed yoga made me laugh. Sometimes I imagine myself kickboxing. I suppose that's a Thing. I totally agree about defining ourselves by cultural standards, for Amount of Things Done and energy as well as paths taken or not. I have a friend who has told me more than once that I should be bolder and 'stand closer to the fire' to which I want to tell him to f- off, that he has no idea how much energy my life takes just as it is. People don't know, but you know.
    And on the topic of snails (which I love) a poem (that I also deeply love) by AA Milne: http://allpoetry.com/poem/8518991-The-Four-Friends-by-A.A.-Milne
    And finally my snail joke: "I had a racing snail once. I thought I could make it go faster if I took the shell off but if anything it just made it more sluggish."

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  4. (PS It's not MY joke as in I wrote it. It's mine as in one I know...)

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    1. Boom tish - a comment with a (cute) joke AND a (lovely) poem. That's a very value-added comment.

      (Apologies for using the term "value-added" but I was transcribing something yesterday where a man in business was talking and you know how they like to be across those kinds of things).

      Would I be breaking up the magic of the poem if I just jump out for a second and ask if I'm missing something about the compass? I am, aren't I? And now I've ruined the whole thing. Sigh. Sorry.

      "People don't know, but you know" - yes. Except when we don't, haha :) Yes, those well-meaning "Hey, you have so much potential you could be putting out into the world!" sort of statements can sometimes rankle even while they're complimentary, can't they? Who WANTS to go at ramshackle speed? I think we should all be encouraging each other at every turn to just stop and do stuff-all :)

      Doing nothing is receptive. A necessary balance of the imbalance, mereckons.

      Doing creative things is a funny space (it's ... liminal! Haha) because while it's the ultimate in yang expression, it's also at the very same time the ultimate in yin receptivity.

      Look, a comment that is awfully fragmented. I'm going off to do some meditation :)

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  5. I so hope this new project is a pleasure, and never a pain... and it sounds so worth waiting for...
    and yes, you do write about the important things... Thank you.
    X

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    1. Aww, thank YOU, Ms Marigold :)

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  6. Tucking this comment away down here. Hopefully you'll see it. I may write my own post about this at some point but I just did this meditation and thought it was really great, so thought you might like it too (and not just because she sounds like she's probably from your neck o' the woods): http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/2012/04/14/♥-meditation-for-reducing-inflammation-and-promoting-healing-within-your-body/

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    1. I look forward to reading your post. I just did this meditation then - I needed it, was having one of my many times of feeling over-revved. Not now. Thanks :)

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