Postmodern lifesick blues

Thursday 14 February 2008

I feel like I have this hard shell covering over my heart. The thought of opening it up to another, although I so want to do so, it feels impossible. If feels like if I forced it open just a crack, it would snap shut like a crocodile's jaws. The echo would sound for miles around.

I envy those who sit with their hearts in their hands, eager and willing to give to another. How do they do that?

Maybe my heart is always going to be broken up and defective. I feel defective. I feel like I can't feel and I feel like I feel too much and I feel like the shell is going to seep into the edges of my heart until one day I try to pry it open and it's all fused together like plastic too close to the fire. Until I become a shell myself, attached to a broadband cord. Attached to other people attached to broadband cords.

I feel like my heart is an open wound. I feel like it's made of stone. I feel like I have this hard shell covering over my heart.

I feel like nobody is ever going to care enough to try to crack the code. Love is not loved. Love is not loved.

I feel like I have this hard shell covering over my heart.

But maybe it's just scaffolding.


  1. Wish i could hug you. I have nothing to say this morning, no silly, stupid little platitudes to make you feel better.

    Except maybe the hard shell is there just to prevent you and others from seeing what he is doing in there. Perhaps it is too ugly looking and scary looking for you to see it and believe it will become something beautiful. But it will.

    Remember that time He gave you anesthetic for like six months? Ah, the good old days....

  2. Thanks honey for no platitudes :) I find just writing what is on my heart is therapeutic, you know? And also, it's like while the left hand is doing *this*, and feeling all upset and dramatic, the right hand is doing *this*, which sometimes is the opposite.

    My life is an interesting one at the moment. Highs and lows. Not all lows, by any means. Every day is rather the rollercoaster.

    But the spiritual highs are pretty damn high at times. i think i shall look back in wonderment at this time, but i can't see what exactly is going on right now under my nose. Which i suspect is what is happening to you, as well. Roll on, the rolling off of rejection.

    Anaesthetic - give me some. Quick :)

  3. If I ever say "Let go and let God," you have my permission to send me to him in a very painful manner ;)

    I know about the half crazy/depressed, half exuberant/comforted thing. Only God can manage that absurdity!

  4. heartbreakingly beautiful...your words, I so want to make it all better for you.
    I want us to lay in bed, writing, drawing and singing while my Mum makes us tea and the tennis is on the telly....

  5. somewhere in the midst of this post, it shifted to poetry. amazing, aching, profound. as i read it, i could hear the shell cracking & opening. hugs to you, dear friend!

  6. Hey, I don't care: "Let Go, Let God" is my favorite recovery slogan. Another is: "I can't. He can. I think I'll let Him."

    Very poetic, indeed. Papa has the answers and is capable of healing anyone, anything, anywhere, anytime. Ask, and keep asking.

  7. Tyler - I think half crazy/half exuberant is the domain of the creative person ... I quite like it here. It adds water to the well :)

    Andi - thank you big heart for wanting to make it better :) But I think it's all just part of the process unfortunately. That would be lovely to have your Mum make us food - I was wishing for that the other day, actually :)

    Jennifer - whah, thank ya

    Lucy - I thought i'd add a happy ever after spin on it, so that you guys don't think i'm about to run off and throw myself off a bridge :) (not really, that ending felt right, felt like God whispered that one)

    Dream - he certainly does have the capacity to heal everyone. That's why I'm a low down whacky Christian universalist :)

  8. PS Dream - did you get the Bob Dylan reference in my heading? That was after reading your post when I woke up yesterday morning and it's stuck in my head :)


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