Thankful

Feeling thankful this afternoon. For very small and very large things. Thankful for trees :) Thankful for good health. I can't tell you how good it feels to have glands on the side of my neck that just sit there, and I can't feel them. It has taken me another few years after recovering from CFS to get to this point. It feels absolutely wonderful.

Feeling thankful that today has troubles of its own and to stay in today feels a bit easier than it has in the past.

Thankful for getting to the place where I can sit with the knowledge of bad mistakes made in my past and be relatively okay with it. Or at least, more okay than I have in the past. It took many years for me to get to this place. Had this strange idea in my head that somehow I would get through life without fucking it up. How weird! Feeling thankful that I can look at my ex and not whack myself over the head with a guilt attack about my role in the breakup of our marriage. That is so huge for me. Feeling thankful that he is happy. In fact, as we speak I am at his house using his wireless connection (inside, so I get longer than 20 mins before the battery runs out :) and he has gone out for lunch and a movie with his girlfriend. Does that feel weird? Yes, it feels totally Picasso. I don't know how long it won't feel weird. Mocca reckons about 2012. I think so too.

Feeling thankful that I can say from some experience now that the crap that lives inside of me - the deep, deep wordless stuff, the stuff I could not look at for too long - is the stuff that God is committed to rescuing me from, and restoring to what I have lost, and that this is his personality, his heart, no matter what we have done and no matter who we are. I would stake billions on this. But then again, I don't feel like I need to persuade other people of that. And I'm thankful for that, too :) Feeling thankful that I can say that I love myself a bit better than I did a month or two ago, and feeling thankful that I know that the maxim "love others as you love yourself" means loving ourselves is an absolute imperative.

Thankful for feeling okay. Thankful that whenever that happens, my focus starts naturally extending out to others. Thankful that self-absorption is not my natural inclination even though it's been my standard state for the last few years :) Thankful for the opportunity to pray for my friends (that sounds naff, but it's true).

Thankful for music. This morning I ramped up the stereo and swam in one of my favourte albums, Trouble by Mr Ray LaMontagne, then whirled Begin to Hope by Regina Spektor and ended it up with Alchemy by Dire Straits. I get taken back to my teenage years with Dire Straits. The instrumental in Tunnel of Love just does something to me, I cannot explain it. Makes tears well in my eyes. Thankful for this strange beast called music that has a whole lot of different sounds that make my eyes cry, or my heart swell, or my brain explode with creativity.

Thankful for food. Thankful for the existence of curry laksa :)

Thankful for weird creative shit that happens when you make clay face masks and being dialoguing with them, and asking who they are and why they look the way they do. Thankful that some wiser part of myself is committed to sharing in the gentlest way possible new things I need to learn. Thankful that I like doing weird shit like dialoguing with pieces of clay even when it makes me feel like a bit of a silly fruitcake :) Thankful that the lessons come these days like a gentle spring breeze, even with the furnace turned up high. Thankful that God is so beautiful.

Thankful for colour. Thankful that all of the colours mixed in together make up white. Thankful that God is all of the colours.

Thankful that I am finally beginning to learn, like a very young child, that peace and mindfulness are a breath away. Thankful that even when I forget that, or life is too painful and I whirl off, that there's good stuff in there too, even though it's painful and I say fuck a lot.

Thankful that it is Saturday. So thankful for that :) Thankful for my friends and family. So thankful for them/you :)