Monday, 20 October 2008

I think I have named my blog well, you know. A discombobulated head, but also a discombobula of thoughts. Thoughts that ramble too far that they seem to not fit into the same life. Nice thoughts, evil thoughts, right thoughts, wrong thoughts. Embarrassing, gauche, socially inept thoughts. Cool, calm thoughts. Thoughts that veer from poo, and whether I am horny or not, to ethereal mysticism and blatherings about how I love God. The two cannot fit, can they? Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I feel embarrassed about what I write. I have often thought maybe I should split this blog into two. And yet, all of these things are me. And so all of them fit. Not necessarily cohesive or comfortable, but this is what encompasses me. So I shall keep it all messed up together, like it or lump it :)

Today I took Lester and Elly to George Schofield, dog chiropractor extraordinaire. Lester danced around with his muzzle on trying to box it off his nose, and growled at George when we was manipulating his front legs. But didn't try to bite him this time, which is good, because George is 89 years old, and you don't bite 89 year old men. This man, however, is still able to lift a large dog's back legs with ease, and lean over their back to realign their spines, and generally get about doing physical work like someone 20 years younger. He just inspires the socks off of me. There is this feeling walking into George's place, a feeling I get from certain people sometimes. It's like he's just where you know he should be. And because he's there, where he should be, he occupies the space better than anyone else would. He fills up all the molecules to the full. If someone else was here instead of him, if he had taken a different turn and went somewhere else, then that person would fill up 97 % of each molecule and it would be fine. But it wouldn't be as fine.

Perhaps I am a bit too overly idealistic in my thinking. Perhaps it's because I'm reading The Alchemist at the moment. But some people just really seem as if they are just where they should be, you know? As if the desires of their hearts and the universe have colluded, and so the very molecules of the air surrounding them waltz in the extra oxygen. As if inhabiting their spaces to the full, they create extra pockets to walk through.

But then, maybe this sort of unity is something far more everyday for us than this ethereal blathering I am so given to spouting :) Not so Christianish that it is all sweetness and light and suppress the dark. Maybe this unity is all around us, like a river we can swim in, in a fashion that is real and attainable. In a fashion that includes tears, despair and boredom, the darkness and the tares. It must be. If the dark cannot stand, has not been redeemed, then the light and the wheat cannot stand either, in a fashion that we can walk in and still be real and broken. At least at this point of time.

In other times all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. But until then, I'm sure George Schofield wakes up and is bored shitless being George Schofield, wonders what would have happened if he'd become a farmer instead of a greyhound breeder and dog chiropractor? I'm sure he has crazy personality defects that cause certain family members to dislike him (this seems impossible in such a man as he, but who knows?)

I don't think there is just one path for us all. Surely there must be as many paths as there are ways to turn. Not just one heartfelt desire but many. Not just one chance at following those desires but every chance whenever the sun comes up, whenever we breathe in. Not so much a place that we need to be in, as a place that we are in, if only we can recognise it.

What a great mystery it is ~ even while we draw breath and live, it is not enough ~ we must choose life. We must continue to choose to be born, even as we age, even while we wake and eat, cry and shit, laugh and make love and wail and screech and glow and yearn and hope and pray. Even when we are behaving badly and missing the mark, losing the plot and fucking ourselves over, we still get to keep walking into the grace fields. This is the space God has stretched out for us.

Image: A Dream by arkano3


  1. Are you saying it's your personal legend to be discombobulated? :)

  2. OK, I just noticed you are watching The Tiger and the Snow...very different from It's A Beautiful Life, but I liked it in it's own quirky way. "Out of gas in Iraq"...cracked me up.

  3. "The two cannot fit, can they?"

    You are so not a gnostic, Sue! I think it's marvellous that you are courageous enough to be who you are, body, mind, and spirit, all one Sue. Don't split your blog in two. Don't split yourself either, for that way lies the double-mindedness that James was so down on in his letter. Just be Sue. If God wants to change bits, that's up to him. He's the potter...



    1. Funny, a gnostic is exactly what I am wondering if I *am* at this point five years down the road, Mr F :)

  4. Hi Sue,

    Having had, given my own situation, more than a few people map out what they think my path is over the last year or two, this post, particularly your last two paragraphs did two things: a) brought a much-needed smile to my face and b) showed me I wasn't losing the plot as I sometimes feel I might be doing at times..

    Thanks! :)

  5. Believe it or not, this post was actually just the thing for 7.43am on a Tuesday morning. Nice one:)

  6. How nice it was to wake up to these comments :)

    Jennifer - LOL! That would be a bit disappointing if it was so, wouldn't it :)

    Re The Tiger in the Snow, I didn't actually get to the end of it. I turned it off when the phone rang and then I just didn't turn it back on again. Not sure about that one. I love Roberto Bellini (sp?) so much, but his stuff, it's like I need to watch it twice to get what he's saying, you know?

    Mike - You can't have the one without the other, can you? Can't be in one piece unless you believe - really know - that God or something is holding it all together, has made it safe, despite appearances. I have started reading the Bible again, maybe James needs a reread :)

    John - yes, I imagine you have many voices screeching over your life, dictating its terms. I'm really happy about (a) and stand firm with you on (b) :) We really should catch up at Andi's sometime, huh?

    Monk - cool :) My post and your latest piece. Let's call it even :)

  7. I love Roberto Bellini (sp?) so much, but his stuff, it's like I need to watch it twice to get what he's saying, you know?

    I do know! The end of that one is actually a bit confusing, but I liked a lot of the artistic photography and one liners.

  8. I love the pure sweetness of this stuff, you know? And the way he juxtaposes it next to horrible things. And i just want to squeeze him very tight until he makes a squeaking noise. But I just couldn't really work out where this movie was going. I don't know how long there was to go. I got up to the bit where she was dead. Was there long to go after that?


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