Okay, so maybe I was wrong. I have had enough people asking me otherwise over the past 24 hours that I have needed to ask myself whether what I was just doing was really in the end just going to produce the effect of cutting off my nose to spite my face.
And in all humility - it's been a really crap weekend so far - I must say from my perspective here today after being washed over by a giant tsunami yesterday, that I do think that perhaps it was that. I could have dragged the process out to a week, but the horridness of brutal self honesty is that once I concede something to myself ... well, I can't shove it away and pretend I didn't concede it. I have to act on it.
You must think I am so ridiculously emotional, a crazy woman. I have always prided myself on being stoic, you know. I needed to be. My childhood was not a particularly safe one. It was not safe for me to express everything I felt.
I am beginning to do that. Sometimes the force of it overwhelms me.
It is embarrassing to me to think that people will find me emotional, even worse that they will think I am being manipulative. I hate to think that yesterday may seem an underhanded attempt to get some sympathy, that I never really intended to shut down this blog. I hate underhandedness, and I hate games. I do not have time for them and it is such an issue of ethical concern to me that I would rather not have what I want, than try to get it in a manner which manipulates other people.
I really did think yesterday that it was time to close down this blog. Now ... well, now I think that what I was thinking was not healthy. Or that what I was thinking was being shaped by this massive mound of emotion I was feeling. It's been a long 24 hours, folks.
I am mindful that tsunamis of emotion are things that need dealing with. I do not know exactly where these things are coming from. I know that I have been facing lots of things that have happened to me in the past, along with the lies that go with it. How easy it is to see the lies that others believe. How hard it is to see your own. And even so, even when you do know that you are believing a lie - for instance, this belief that people do not care for me, that I am defective, that there is something totally wrong with me, that my life stretches out ahead of me exactly the same, that I will always be forever destined to never accomplish the things I desire to - well, even when you can see those things, there are greater steps towards healing that need to come.
I remember once meditating on how lonely I felt as a child when at mealtimes we would sit in front of the TV, needing to be quiet because Dad was home and Dad wanted to watch the news and everything revolved around bloody Dad and his ridiculous inability to be anything but an emotional leper with a drinking problem. And I was meditating on that and thinking about how lonely I felt and asking Jesus to be there with me. And so then he was. Then I saw a picture of myself in that lounge room with Jesus saying to me, "Let's dance." And I was scared because I would get in the way of the telly while Dad was trying to watch the news and I would get into trouble. And Jesus said that no, they couldn't see us, we were invisible. And so I got up and waltzed around the lounge room with Jesus while my famiy went on unawares, watching the television.
It is like a memory within me now. It healed something within me. There is plenty more of that which needs to be healed.
But I guess, doing a complete 180 from the emotional tsunami of yesterday and feeling like a moronic emotional twit in the process, that closing down my blog is really not gonna fix anything at all, is it? It's not going to stop me feeling raw and vulnerable and exposed. But God will. Somehow.
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So who hasn't freaked out at the upcoming birthday? I forbade any celebration of my 50th. When I got to be 60, I felt grotty, but since someone I knew gracefully turned 60 a few weeks prior, I decided to give in and be glad I am still alive and kicking. One day, God willing, you will look back at number 39 or even 40 with fondness. Frankly, the 40s are the best of years.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am glad you are not closing shop at your blog. Take a hiatus, if you must, but keep on thrashing about and bringing life and spirit into your readers' lives.
Peace, Sue.
I'm just glad your still here. I think we've all been emotional and embarrassed - some (as in ME) more often than others.
ReplyDeleteIf you expect any sympathy from me on your age .... sorry. I just survived 50 so you can do 40. :)
Dear Sue, this is the best news! It's OK, really, to be emotional. Actually, it's OK to be a twit. I should know.
ReplyDeleteI'm 61 the day after tomorrow, and this morning I broke a tooth on a nut in my muesli. I've been trying to persuade myself this doesn't mean I'm falling rapidly to bits. See? Twit.
But it's the Festival of Christ the King, the same Lord who danced around the lounge with you. And he says it's OK. So it is. Really. Gloriously. Truly.
Love & all kinds of blessings from this wet windy place on the other side of the world...
Mike xx
Thanks for being so truly honest...so raw! As I read this, I was so glad I'm not the only one on this earth who freaks out and gets completely emotional. Sometimes for me, it overtakes me so that I don't even recongnize ME in there anywhere! I relate to your response to your own actions so well...Give yourself a bit of grace...we are all imperfect, and all need some sympathy. It is still embarrassing to me that people will find me emotional somehow, because I was raised in a similar way I suppose. But, I AM emotional! I am. I confess. Thanks for making me feel not so alone!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are still here, I enjoy reading your blog...I'm glad you are so human and so real. Whether you know it or now, you bring comfort and humor to a lot of people here.
Keep diggin' in, girl. It's not comfortable, but it is good.
Keep rockin', SusieQ, just like your namesake, who's still going strong!:)
ReplyDeleteAww, honey, you are just fine. If I told you my emotional roller coaster the last few days, you'd feel better. Maybe I'll shoot you an e-mail about it. And lest you think the difference is that I was smart enough not to blog about it, don't be fooled. I sat down twice to blog about it, but was interrupted both times by something unavoidable.
ReplyDeleteThere is some pain that is so deep and buried and well disguised that when it surfaces it leaves a maelstrom of ugly and makes us all topsy-turvy. I know this as deeply and experientially as anyone.
And you know that I share your birthday angst, being only a few weeks behind you of the same year. I think that is something that has been hitting me hard too lately. The idea that maybe I just am who I am, and there is no real hope of being anything different or improved over who I am right now. All the years of youth and thinking this life stretched out ahead of me and I had all the time in the world to "do something" or "be something" ...well it seems to be fading. And I hate it.
I love you and am glad you are not going anywhere. Not that I would love you less if you did, but selfishly I would miss the insight you share so often that is so profound for me. Hugs, sister.
suzy Q. i love you!!! i don't have many extra words lately, but wanted to share those with you... and old? oh, don't get me started!! xoxoxo
ReplyDeletethat waltz around the loungeroom vision is very powerfule Sue
ReplyDeleteas that well known song says:
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
Barbara - how much that helps, seeing someone else do gracefully what we are feeling clunky about. I am looking with interest so much at older women these days. Our society so tries to erode our ability to walk surefooted in ourselves when the collagen levels drop. We are all such imitators of each other. I remember you saying that before, that the 40s are the best of years (I think it was you??) I am holding it in my hands and hoping, because the 30s have been shithouse, basically.
ReplyDeleteBarbara - it is embarrassing to be emotional all over my blog. It feels the utmost in unsafety to me. My household growing up was stoic to say the least. I don't expect any sympathy from you; I am finding 40 hard enough let alone 50. Isn't it funny how the older you get, when you look back at 29 year olds bemoaning turning 30 you sort of smirk, but I guess it holds true all the way through - getting older is a hard deal and I guess we all struggle with it the moment we reach the age where we have all the freedom we were yearning for when we were younger. Weird.
Mike - yeah, it feels okay in my head to be emotional, but down inside where the emotions generate, it is a different story, I think. Something God may have to have many silent conversations with me about to get me seeing straight. Thank you for your comfort blessings, they are sorely needed at the moment. My trust levels in God are sadly bereft at least at the moment.
I heard about the crazy rain going on in the Lake District the other day. Are you near there?
Kari - Isn't it funny how little grace we can give ourselves sometimes? It's sort of scary. Thanks for sharing your experience, it helps to know other people understand and struggle too. It's funny how we all share common experience but those very things can make us feel so alone!
MysticBrit - thanks, dude! Is she really still going strong? Wow, good for her.
Erin - thank you for sharing your emotional rollercoaster with me. It does make a difference. It helps to share and it helps to hear that our experiences end up being common ones. You know, I don't wonder if really and truly accepting who we are would end up resulting in greater change. It feels like such a rock around your neck to be trying to be better than you are - and yet i do it all the time because ... well, because being who I am at the moment is a big pile of stinking poo basically and I do not like the thought that I am stuck with this person. I much prefer earlier versions. And yet maybe we both will prefer later versions. Perhaps we are both doing groundwork we cannot quite see at this point. I hope so.
Lucy - thank you darling. I think it's good sometimes being in those spaces where you don't have many words to share. It doesn't feel like it of course - I can't believe how at the time how entirely I believe that I will never write another word or make another clay thing. Such a weird space to be in, the ebb and flow of things. I don't think I have in the least bit begun to understand my rhythms in that way. And yeah, the old getting old ... gets old very quickly, doesn't it :) What a strange world we live in where we are all made to feel guilty for doing something none of us are going to escape doing (if we're lucky).
Kel - I had to look that song up, so it wasn't well known to me. What pretty lyrics. Thank you, my dear. I hope so too. I hope we all dance. It feels so hard to these days. I'm glad you keep dancing with your brush :)
Thanks for your concern, Sue. No, I'm nowhere near the Lake District - 380 miles by Google Maps from Cockermouth, the worst hit place. Cumbria is NW, Dorset SW. But it's pretty wet here all the same. But by God's grace Wool drains pretty well.
ReplyDeleteTake care, you!
Mike
I'm coming to this late as I've been away and stuff, so I missed the attempted shutdown. I'm so glad you've reconsidered, I LOVE reading your "shit". Which, of course, is anything but.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with Barbara, the 40s are great.
Well..... glad you've sorted that out. Keep writing Sue - stick with what you're good at.
ReplyDeleteAge - Hah!! It's only a number and we all get a bit antsy about particular ones. Hell, I can't even remember 40 anymore... why worry??