Out of It

After Lucy's confessional this morning about how she's feeling, I thought I'd jump in and add my own. How pathetic this feels to me, writing this stuff on my blog, making myself more vulnerable, telling people who I don't even know about my stuff because there's not someone here next to me to tell it to.

I'm getting old.

You know, I really do believe that God fits people in with each other, you know? I believe it. I see it happen. I'm not even talking here about Christians and non Christians but just in a general sense. I can so easily believe he does that with other people. I am losing hope that he is going to do it with me.

I had a coffee with someone on Tuesday, the person whose group I was going to go to last Wednesday night. It was one of those times where I felt like I tasted God moving. We shared a bit about our journeys, he told me about this group, I shared my contemplative leanings. It felt nice to even consider the possibility that I could move out into something that involves other people and being able to share life with other people. The group sounds great. It also doesn't sound like it's going to be somewhere I will be able to overcome my paranoia to test out, for reasons which I won't even begin to go into here.

It's my birthday in a few weeks. Heading into the great three nine. The year after that I will be 40. My life is nothing like what I thought it would be. I never thought I would ever be as laid bare as I have been. I have been so laid bare that I am starting to despair that I will ever feel anything but that. I struggle to keep believing that I am going to ever be put back together in a way where it doesn't feel at some part of the day like my heart will bleed out of my chest. Maybe that's okay. Maybe that's how it is when you're in the real instead of pretending. I'm not sure.

All I know is that I don't feel I fit anywhere. People always tell me how bubbly and self-possessed I am. And it's true, I am those things. I'm also cast adrift and I don't know how much longer I can stand being so separated from society. I never thought it would be so hard to be sociable. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and believing that there is better life out there for me.

I look at all of my friends, most of who are partnered with kids. I feel so isolated from that life. I compare myself to them, how busy they are. I feel like they must look at me with jealousy and pity, all my free time. And pity because I will never experience what they have. I feel like people look at me, without ties, and think I can do whatever I want. I can go travelling, I can dedicate myself to writing, I can blah blah blah. But it's always easy to think those things when you're disembodied from the head and the body that is living the life trying to do those things.

Choose life. Choose life. Sometimes it is so hard to choose life.

And anyway, I don't feel like I can do whatever I want. I feel hampered. I feel like I have to just keep urging myself on to do the things that I love, and sometimes I am swamped by the dreary monotony of having to make myself be creative all the time, the bits of me that try to stop me from doing what I really want.

I haven't played with clay for weeks.

I want something big to come out of the blue, something exciting, something I can put myself into. I want it to be somewhere else that's not on this fucking continent. I want to live. I am trying to get out there and it's just not happening and why is it so hard? I hate myself, I hate the pathetic little life I have. I hate how people must be looking at me and feeling sorry because I'm such a loser. I hate living in a country that has giant holes in its social fabric. I hate how fucking boring and conservative people are in this country. I hate how our riches polarise us from each other.

Somehow, I feel like a failure for feeling lonely. I feel like somewhere in my own soul, I feel like I have let myself down because at some point in time I told myself that I had to look after me, that I had to be independent, that I had to be strong and be willing to face reality as it appeared itself to me, that I had to be stoical and not get too emotional about things.

Well, making up for lost time now.

This really hasn't helped. All it's done is made me feel more vulnerable that now all of you can look at me and feel sorry for the pathetic old hag who has to blurt all her shit out on her blog to people she doesn't even know :\